The fear of seeing his own child like that would destroy him.
He was clear with Carly in the beginning that he didn’t want any. And she was clear with him that was all she wanted. To be a mother. Even though she was incapable of getting pregnant.
To keep Carly in his life, he had done his best to eventually be okay with having a child of their own.
Or he would’ve lost her.
And he needed her.
Christ, he needed her.
Without her, he wouldn’t have survived returning to civilian life. He would’ve eaten his gun or been locked in a padded room in a mental hospital.
Without her, he wouldn’t have Levi.
So now Levi was his responsibility. His to protect and care for.
And the fuck if he’d let any of those inbred motherfuckers on that mountain steal him or hurt him in any way.
If they even approached the baby, if they even looked in his direction, whether he was five-weeks-old or fifteen, Matt would gather Sig and his brotherhood of bikers and finish what the Blood Fury MC started.
Officer of the law or not, he was now Levi’s father first.
“Matt!”
He frowned, wondering why she sounded panicked. Was something wrong with Levi? With her?
His breathing became strained, his vision tunneled.
Oh fuck, he hadn’t done this in a really long time...
As he blindly reached for Carly’s hand, everything went black.
* * *
“Matt... Matt...”
Air in.
Air out.
“Come back to me... Matt, please. Breathe...”
Inhale.
Exhale.
“Just breathe, baby.”
He was trying.
He blinked and the darkness began to fade, his vision began to widen.
He knew where he was. He knew who he was with.
He was safe.
Safe.
It had been a long time since he’d had a panic attack. Or blacked out unexpectedly. The meds usually helped keep him steady.
Levi’s arrival had made him wobble, but he’d hidden that from Carly, not wanting to scare her. Not wanting her to rethink their choice of adopting Levi.
He knew how much she wanted a baby and thought he’d been ready. Thought they’d waited long enough. Maybe he’d been wrong.
He was scared.
Of losing her.
Of losing Levi.
Someone else’s blood who was now his. It didn’t matter that Levi didn’t carry a drop of DNA from him or Carly. None of that mattered the second their son was born and Matt caught him, then cut the umbilical cord.
And when Carly held the baby for the first time—still covered in gunk—she cried.
She cried because her dream had been born that day. The dream she held onto for so long. That dream he’d messed up for her. But she hoped...
Hoped he’d get better. One day be ready. Be able to handle it.
Now, he might mess it up again.
“Matt... It’s because of Levi, isn’t it?”
It wasn’t because of Levi. It was the fear of something happening to him.
Christ, he couldn’t tell her that and crush her dream. Or make her regret being with him. “I love you,” he whispered.
A tear slipped from the corner of her eye as she ran a knuckle down his jaw. “I know.”
“I love him, too.”
“It’s unmistakable.”
“I thought I was better.” Damn it, he thought he had been ready.
She squeezed his hand, the one he had grabbed before he blacked out. His lifeline.
“You are. Things are new. The household has changed. You like things in order, you like schedules. Right now, there’s no order and we’re just finding our way as a family. We’ll get there.”
Fuck, he hoped so.
He didn’t ever want to hurt her or Levi. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did. “I’m worried it might get worse.”
She grabbed his chin and turned his face to hers. “It won’t.” She sounded so confident. “Take your meds, talk to your therapist. Tell him your concerns. You need to be honest with him. For us.”
He sucked in a deep breath. “I will.”
“That’s all I ask. The rest we can work through. Look how far we’ve come.”
She was right. They’d already gone a long way.
But this morning’s episode was proof he still had a way to go.
He could only hope he’d get there. And when he did, that Carly and Levi would still be with him to see it.
Chapter Four Teddy & Adam
Teddy flipped over and pressed his right cheek into his satin-covered, fluffy goose down pillow and stared at Adam sleeping on his “normal,” no-frills pillow from Target because he refused to “rest his face on a dead duck.”
Since Teddy was the older one of the two, he needed all the restful beauty sleep he could get. Unlike his fiancé, he minded waking up to red creases on his face. But then, the man had slept in tents, or worse, in some horrible desert in the Middle East. And most likely didn’t have any kind of skin care regimen out there while fighting the “good fight.”
He probably used a bar of generic soap and a hose.
Teddy shuddered.
But now Adam was on a better path of taking care of the only skin he had. It had been a struggle at first, but Teddy managed to convince his lover to at least try a few products to maintain his naturally handsome look.
Not that his lover needed much.
But a good shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer and shaving cream was the very minimum.
And sometimes Teddy would do a sneak attack and schmutz a little gel into the dark hair Adam kept the same style as his cousins. Trimmed tight on the sides and a bit longer at the top. Which gave away what he did for a living and what he lived for. First serving his country as a Marine, then serving his adopted community as a cop.
Selfless. That was what his man was.
He had secretly lusted after all three of Adam’s cousins—who Teddy lovingly called the Bryson bucks—throughout high school. After graduation he finally worked up the courage to “come out” to his parents, after working so hard and so long to hide who he really was, hoping they’d understand, hoping
