“Ain’t that a trick lotsa girls use?” I ask.
“No! And don’t you tell none of ’em about it either.”
“So you know what I’m talkin’ about?”
She purses her lips. “It’s a jube thing. Not everybody can do it,” she explains. “And it don’t always work,” she warns.
“It has for me.”
“It don’t always work. Don’t make me tell you again.”
How would you know? I think it, but she heard it.
“If ya don’t believe me, go ask Coralene and Doralene. When you’re done with them, ask your own damn reflection,” she retorts.
I swallow. “Oh.”
“Don’t misunderstand me: I wouldn’t trade any a y’all for anything. But what you are doin’ is risky, and I ain’t raisin’ no grandkids.”
I nod, cuz I get it, but why she been lookin’ at me like I’m a weirdo when she’s done the same thing?
“And you know what else it can’t do? Keep the clap away.”
“Mama! Eww!”
“Damn right eww. You think life’s fun when you crawlin’ with coochie diseases? No, it ain’t!”
I feel like I might throw up. Mama takes out a cigarette and lights it.
“You have got to be more careful, Evalene. You wanna do adult things, but they got adult consequences.”
“Okay, Mama. I promise you I will be more careful. I’ll… make sure he uses ’em.”
She takes a deep inhale, and her leg starts bouncing, a nervous signal. “Love can make a normal person act stupid, but it’s a whole other thing with people like us. Has your grandmother talked to you about love and Jubilation?”
“Love? Definitely not.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured. You know how if you’re fryin’ somethin’ and a grease fire starts, the worst thing you can do is throw water on it?”
I nod.
“If love was a grease fire, Jubilation would be a kettle of water thrown on top.”
“But everybody feels love. I love you and you love me. Are you sayin’ that’s bad?”
“Not that kinda love, baby. It’s the kind you feel for a man that gets us in trouble. The things we can do require clear judgment. Love muddies the waters.”
“Well, what can I do? I can’t just never feel love,” I say.
Her leg starts bouncin’ faster.
“No. But you can see Clay less often.”
Before I have a second to think on that, I’m already shaking my head no. My body won’t even give me the chance to lie. The last thing I wanna do in this life is see less of Clay. If I could be with him twenty-four hours a day, I bet I’d want twenty-five.
She studies me for a minute. She’s tryna speak, to say things she can’t out loud. She’s not doin’ such a great job, since she rarely uses her skills, but I hear her. She’s pleadin’ with me. She wants me to let Clay go. She thinks we’ll both be better off.
I answer her back, and I ain’t defiant about it at all. I’m sorry about it. I know she wants what’s best for me, but I love him too much to let him go.
Tears fill her eyes. “You’re as stubborn as I am. We are all the same. Why do we keep on makin’ the same damn mistakes?”
I don’t know what she means by that, but I refuse to believe that lovin’ Clay is a mistake.
In any case, all I want right now is to put her mind at ease. I know she’ll worry about me no matter what, but I need her to know that I’m not a walking time bomb. So I reach out and hold her hand.
“I’m fine, Mama,” I say. “Grammie Atti says I’m gettin’ good at jubin’. She’s taught me a lot. Trust me: I know what I’m doin’. I swear I do.” I say it with as much conviction as I can summon, so I can convince her and myself.
She dabs at the tears in her eyes and takes another long drag. The ash on her cigarette is growin’ long, and I wanna find her an ashtray before it falls, but I feel like I can’t move. Mama ain’t lettin’ me move.
“The next time you feel the urge to hurt someone or… worse? Do me a favor. Run as fast as you can and put your target out of your mind as fast as you can. No matter who they are or what they done. And then you pray. This is my prayer: ‘I am a child of God. I am not ugly. I will do no harm.’ Use it, or you can make up your own.”
I squint, tryna picture this scenario. I wanna harm somebody so I run, try to put ’em outta my mind, and then I pray? This doesn’t seem very practical to me.
“Doin’ that works?” I ask.
She smiles sadly. “Doin’ that helps.”
I can’t imagine runnin’ off and prayin’ the next time I see Virgil. It’s weak.
“Have you ever wondered why me and your daddy ain’t together no more?”
“Cuz he went to prison.”
She sucks her teeth and waves me away. The ash misses my bedspread and drops to the hardwood floor. I watch it closely to be sure it holds no embers.
“Before that. Donchu know?”
I don’t say anything. I don’t know. I just thought they couldn’t get along with each other.
“I sent him away for his own good. I loved that man like crazy. I still do.”
Really? I would’ve never guessed in a million years that she still loved Daddy or ever loved him “like crazy.”
“That love brought out the ugliest of urges from me. When I thought he wanted to leave me for my cousin, I took his voice away from him for seven days. He lost his job cuz a that stunt.”
Damn. Mama didn’t play around.
She finally notices the ashes and wanders off to find an ashtray, I guess. I still can’t seem to move. Is she sayin’
