Confusion clouded my brain. I wasn’t prepared for this. I’d worked on the presentation based on information Carter provided, but Ty’s name was nowhere to be found. Only Carter’s. When I’d moved back to Seattle I wondered if I’d run into Ty at some point, but certainly never thought it would be at my office. My heart thundered in my chest. Tears threatened to spill. My body and heart lurched at the sight of him. I’d been kidding myself for years.
I’d never be over this man.
Nothing had prepared me for the crippling depression that I suffered after leaving Ty that morning eight years ago. For weeks, I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom, let alone attend classes. Luckily, my parents were very supportive and withdrew me from school before the LTZ show, and Mom took me to Hawaii to stay in my grandparents’ timeshare for a month. Vaguely, in between insane bouts of crying, I remember floating in the warm ocean, numbly trying to find my equilibrium.
By the time we returned to Seattle, LTZ’s song Rise had done just that—risen up the charts at breakneck speed. It seemed to follow me wherever I went. My not-to-distant memories of the guys working through the song at band practice, Ty’s hands all over my body in between recording sessions, making love to him. It was too much.
Of course, no one with a pulse could have escaped LTZ’s meteoric rise to the top of the music world after that.
Over the first few months, after I left, Ty left me hundreds of messages. I couldn’t bear to listen to any of them. I changed phone numbers. Jace had also reached out through Alex that Ty was frantic to connect with me. I couldn’t do it. It killed me that he was hurting. I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice and to beg him to let me back into his life. Without him, it felt like both my arms and legs had been cut off.
I also knew if we spoke, he’d drop everything to get to me, which would ruin his career and the band’s success. Since I couldn’t let that happen, I resigned myself to disappear from his life forever.
For my own sanity, I transferred to a small college in the middle of Texas, far away from Seattle. A place that played only country music. I didn’t know a soul, nor did I really attempt to make any friends or keep up with Alex. Burying myself in academics kept me from facing the truth of what I had done to Ty. It kept me focused and busy. In some ways, I suppose, by depriving myself of the usual college fun and activities, I was also punishing myself.
As time passed and LTZ achieved more and more success during my undergraduate years, I turned further inward. When Dad told me about Ty’s visit, I agonized about whether I could bear hearing his deep, sexy voice. By that point I was weeks away from starting law school, and I knew that my own future depended on me keeping on track. Late one lonely night I caved and called the number he left. It went straight to voicemail. I left him what I hoped was a heartfelt message and asked him to let me go. Then I promptly bawled myself to sleep.
I never tried to contact Ty again, even when I knew that Alex sometimes saw Jace and the band during her travels.
I tackled my next goal of acing the LSAT and getting into Berkeley Law school. I nearly got derailed when LTZ released Z, an album of songs that were clearly about me. I was almost relieved because knowing that Ty hated me gave me the perfect excuse to push my feelings down to finish law school and try to rebuild my life. Other than Alex and a couple of Seattle friends, the band, Carter, and my parents, no one knew that Ty of LTZ had been my first love.
Suddenly, everyone in the entire world was trying to find out who “Z” was, which sent me into a panic. Alex told me that Jace had assured her that the band—including Ty—wanted to protect me and would keep my identity secret. Being kept out of the spotlight saved me. There was no way to prepare for the insane success of Z.
Everyone in LTZ were everywhere all the time: television, social media, award shows, tabloids, billboards, advertisements, documentaries, and on and on. I had to learn to live with seeing Ty’s gorgeous face and body plastered wherever I went. There was no escape. Not to mention, the songs were in heavy rotation. Ty’s raw vocals about how I ruined his life were pure anguish. Down became the worldwide break-up rock anthem. LTZ was the new Seattle iconic rock band, and every single one of the guys were the most coveted men in the world.
Ty had always been beyond hot. But now, the most famous women and men in the world took notice. Hell, I got it. He had gained confidence and swagger that he never had when we were together, and nothing could stop me from trolling him. When he became a cliché rock monster, I couldn’t reconcile the belligerent, snarling fuck-up with the man who loved me so deeply when he tenderly took my virginity. I wondered if I had driven him to behave like the mother he despised.
Once he cleaned up his act, Ty dated dozens and dozens of beautiful women. One day he would be smoldering in a plaid tux on the red carpet with a Victoria’s Secret Model, the next he’d be in leather pants at some nightclub with an Oscar-award-winning actress. My heart broke when he became serious with Ronni Miller, the most gorgeous woman on TV. People magazine even said so.
I knew that Carter had been right. He was clearly better off without me holding him
