Shawn rolled his eyes and I pretended not to notice. He leaned back and watched me as I walked around to the other side of the room.
I kept my back to him as I shimmied out of my wet clothes. There wasn’t anything better than the feeling of clean, dry clothes against my skin. At least for now. I could think of a hundred things that would be better but some of those weren’t possible… like a hot shower. Or sunlight.
I wiggled into a t-shirt and slipped into bed. Shawn leaned over and kissed my cheek.
“I’d do anything for you,” he whispered. “Anything.”
I shifted my legs around, trying to find a comfortable position for them. His words warmed my insides but they made my skin itch. I didn’t think it would ever be possible for me to be comfortable with his feelings toward me.
Of course, I cared about him immensely. I just wasn’t anywhere near as good at saying it or even showing it.
“I love you, Stevie,” Shawn said. “I really do.”
It felt like my mouth was full of the richest chocolate pudding. I knew what I should say but I couldn’t make my mouth form the words.
“Jesus, Stevie,” Shawn said pushing himself out of bed. “I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”
My lips felt sticky but I forced them apart. “Shawn, wait.”
“What? What can you say that’s going to change how things are?” Shawn asked. “Are you embarrassed of me?”
“Of course not,” I groaned.
Shawn crossed his arms over his muscular chest. “Then what is it? I put my heart on the line with you constantly and I all I get back is a busy signal.”
“I can’t let my guard down,” I said. “Those people out there depend on me to keep them safe. Whenever I’m with you, I feel like I’m failing them and that’s not good for any of us.”
“Are you kidding me?” Shawn said. “You make it sound like everyone else is more important than me.”
I rested my palms down on the blanket. “That’s not what I’m saying at all but I do have to think of them too.”
“Seems like that’s all you really think about,” Shawn said. “Why can’t you just be okay with me? No one cares that we’re together. We’re all working toward the same goal here. You’re allowed to be a person too and not just a leader.”
“I know that,” I said. “But with everything going on, I just have to be at the top of my game.”
“Is there a time you won’t have to be at the top of your game? What’s it going to take to get you to open up to me? To be with me like… like a normal person,” Shawn said.
My jaw stiffened. “So, I’m not a normal person?”
It angered me but he wasn’t wrong. I’d never been like all the other girls my age and surely that wasn’t going to change any time soon. Especially now that I had so many people to look out for.
“Maybe this was a mistake,” Shawn said grabbing his shirt.
“What was a mistake?”
“All of it. Thinking that this could be something great,” Shawn said pointing at the space between us. “You know what? I need to go.”
My spine straightened. “Go? Go where?”
“I feel like keeping watch,” Shawn said slamming the door closed behind him.
“Shawn,” I said. “Wait.”
I started to get up but I stopped before my feet even touched the ground. I didn’t like that he’d left angry but I needed a break. Fighting with Shawn was not at the top of my to-do list.
Was he right about me? I cared about him so much but was I putting the others ahead of him?
It didn’t matter. He was gone. And I wasn’t going after him.
16
Joss
I looked through the peephole. There was a young woman on the other side of the door.
Robby waved me away from the door. The bedsprings squeaked as I sat down and held absolutely still.
He didn’t open the door until there was nothing in the room but silence.
“Good morning,” the young woman said.
“Good morning,” Robby said. There was a short pause. “Can I help you with something?”
“I’m here for Joss,” she said her voice squeaking slightly. “Rex would like to see her.”
Robby cleared his throat. “Do you know what this is about?”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I have no idea. My job is to bring her to him.”
“Okay,” Robby said. “I’ll get her.”
“Thanks,” she said plainly. She had no idea what the meeting was about but I did.
Robby took my hand and looked into my eyes. “Ready?”
“Do I have a choice?” I asked. I shook my head, answering my own question. “You’re coming with me, right?”
“Of course I am,” Robby replied. “Won’t leave your side. Not even for a second.”
My head bobbed. I bit down on my cheek to feel the pain and to stop myself from letting a single tear roll down my cheek. I didn’t want Robby to see how worried… and scared I was.
The walk to Rex’s building seemed to take forever. The rain soaking my clothing was exceptionally torturous.
Rex was sitting down behind a desk when we arrived. There were notebooks and papers strewn all over the top of the desk. He looked busy. It felt like we were interrupting.
“Hey there, you two,” Rex said smiling. He stretched out his hand to shake. I took it, hoping he didn’t notice how sweaty my palm was. “Please, have a seat.”
“I prefer to stand,” Robby said.
“Whatever you like,” Rex said gesturing toward the chair across from him. “Joss, will you take a seat?”
My mouth dried and my
