I used to be able to hike through the desert in full gear, and the walk back wouldn’t have been that bad if I wasn’t so fucked up. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train named Lawson Brooks. A train might have been kinder.
The drive to my house has never been so urgent. I have to find Kiana, to talk to her—to try to sort all of this out.
“Kiana, are you here?” I enter my house like a madman, ignoring the pain that comes with every step until the emotional one kicks in.
She isn’t here.
She was, but now she’s gone.
I doubt she returned here after she visited the office. It looks like she had every intention of coming back because nothing she brought to my place is missing. I’m not sure I can blame her. I would have went in the opposite direction if I was in her shoes. But where would that be? Her apartment? Maybe. Unless she was afraid her father would come there.
I need to get my phone fixed. At least then I’ll be able to call her.
Her apartment is my first stop, just to be sure, and there is no response when I knock on the door. I have no idea if she would consider opening the door if she is on the other side. A phone isn’t perfect, but I can send her a text message. I can apologize. I can try to explain how it all went so wrong.
If she will even read them.
I wanted to protect her so fucking much, and all I did was throw her in harm’s way. Not all wounds are physical like the ones I currently wear. Emotional wounds can be so much worse, so much deeper, and Kiana already had plenty of them inflicted by her father before she ever graced my bed.
Lawson doesn’t deserve any sort of forgiveness for what he did to her in the past, but we’re not living there. We’re living in the present where he’s a father who just saw his daughter in the arms of his best friend—I’m sure it’s officially former best friend now. All he sees is ultimate betrayal, and he’ll never see how much we needed each other the first time our bodies gave in.
I’ll take a thousand beatings like the one he gave me today if it means I get to hold her in my arms again.
I’ve made my choice.
It’s Kiana.
It’s always Kiana.
Chapter Nineteen
Kiana
I’ve seen disappointment in my father’s eyes more times than I can count. Today I saw rage. Real, unbridled rage. Beneath it was a festering disappointment for me that I never envisioned. Well, that’s not entirely true. I certainly envisioned it a few times when I was dancing on that stage.
But this was worse than what I imagined. It was fury mixed with disdain. He’ll never call Bram his best friend again, and I’ll be surprised if he even claims me as a daughter.
I thought I could handle it. I really did. In the back of my mind, I knew there would be a point when Bram and I had a difficult conversation with my father. I convinced myself it would be emotional instead of violent. I thought he would come to terms with it after time.
Realistically, I didn’t put much thought into it. Not enough to be prepared for the confrontation. I was shocked, confused, and when shit started to hit the fan, fight-or-flight kicked in. I couldn’t stand the look on my father’s face. I couldn’t stand to see what he was going to do to Bram.
I couldn’t face either of them in the aftermath of chaos, so I ran before I truly began.
“Can I help you, ma’am?” A voice startles me, and I look up to see the convenience store clerk with a perplexed look.
How long have I been standing in this one spot—seemingly staring at a vast array of snacks I have no appetite for?
“I’m fine.” I nod and fight back another wave of tears.
When I left Bram’s office, I got on the first bus I saw. I rode it for a while, and when most of the passengers were gone, I simply got off. I barely know where I am. The convenience store looked like a good place to stand aimlessly, but I’m drawing attention to myself, which is the last thing I need.
I just need somewhere to cry.
Somewhere to wallow in my own misery.
I can’t go back to Bram’s house. I can’t go back to my apartment. I’m not ready to face Bram or my father.
My phone buzzes in my purse. It’s my mother. The fifth call I’ve gotten from her since the eruption of chaos in Bram’s office. She obviously knows. My father told her as soon as he got done with Bram.
I can’t listen to her tell me how much of a disappointment I am. I can’t deal with the two of them ganging up on me like they did so many times when I was younger.
I’m not sure I can deal with anything right now.
“Ma’am, if you need any help at all, just let me know…” The convenience store clerk gives me another glance.
“I’m fine,” I repeat what I said before, then I walk to the exit.
I’d rather be somewhere else, anywhere else. I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I just want to be miserable.
It’s what I deserve for whispering so many lies into my own ears.
I put one foot in front of the other until the sidewalk gives way to a populated area with a few shops and a hotel about two blocks away. That looks perfect. It’s certainly better than standing in a convenience store. The rest of the walk there feels like I have weights on my shoes. There might be a small degree of comfort in loneliness. My body doesn’t think I deserve it, but it’s all I can manage.
“Hello! Welcome to the Marigold Hotel! Can I help you?” A cheerful clerk
