“I understand,” Vara said, the nature of her daughter’s pain suddenly becoming clear. “You should know that this was only ever a remote possibility. You are but half Kriosian and unlikely to carry the variation, even in a recessive form. I find it hard to believe…”
The only thing worse than sharing this much with her mother would have been admitting that it only happened because of the procedure she underwent to help Nancy Conlon. She had rarely risked this much honesty with Vara. Their trust issues were mutual. “That doesn’t matter now. What does…”
“Is your choice. Of course. But, it has been several days. Are you still…?”
“The choice has been made. It is done. And for what it’s worth, it felt right. It felt like the only thing I could do.”
“You would not have otherwise survived.”
The doctors had told Gwyn this. It had been their greatest fear when she was in the throes of the finiis’ral. Somehow in all of her anger at Devi, she had forgotten or, at the very least, seriously downplayed this unpleasant fact.
“It may seem difficult now, but I promise you that in time, it will become easier. Tell me about this man you have chosen.”
Gwyn laughed aloud. “There is no man, Mother.”
“Oh. This woman, then?”
“Try again.”
“You don’t mean… a child?”
“Yes.”
“Do the parents understand?”
“They don’t even know yet. She is only a few weeks old.”
“Will they allow you to…? Of course they won’t. I assume they are human?”
“Can we do the judgmental part of this conversation the next time we speak and focus, please, Mom?”
“You must tell them.”
“Why? Why can’t I just love her, the way Mayla loved me?”
“What you shared with Mayla was only possible because I allowed it. Passing interest in the children of others is common, normal even. Her parents’ ignorance will not change your needs and might make them suspect worse of you than the truth.”
“I would never hurt her. I couldn’t.”
“What you feel, it won’t go away. It won’t diminish. It will continue to grow stronger with each passing day. It is an imperfect solution to a biological imperative because it is, by definition, a one-sided attachment. I nurtured your relationship with Mayla because I understood that no one, not even I, could love you as well as she did. I sacrificed my natural bond with you to spare her the necessity of losing herself to another. But without full understanding…”
“I wish I could take it back. I wish I’d never…”
“No, my love. No,” Vara said as her eyes began to glisten. “It is a gift, an opportunity to learn how to open your heart to another. Mayla spoke of it often. I envied her what she shared with you. And it gave me great joy to see you return her affection, to trust her so deeply.”
“She knew me,” Gwyn said simply, “in a way no one else ever could.”
“As you will come to know this child, whether her parents wish it or not.”
“The child is gone. The vessel where she was incubating was taken from us. I know she is still alive. I feel it. But I can’t get to her, and without her…”
“Physical separation is survivable. The day you left Krios Prime, Mayla was broken. For months after, I worried every day that she might do herself harm. But over time, she learned to live within the bond, even from a distance. She never left you, no matter how far you wandered.”
“She could have reached out to me. I would never have denied her,” Gwyn protested.
“You still don’t understand. The one you have chosen will always be free to follow her own heart. Your task is to bend to that reality and offer her the same freedom she has given you.”
“But it hurts so much.”
“Welcome to adulthood.”
“Mom.”
“No. You avoided it far too long. It comes for each of us in its own time and ways. But it was never optional, once the potential within you was unlocked. It hurts, because you continue to search for reasons to resist. Accept it. Build upon it. And never forget to be grateful to her. You live, because she does.”
“So, what you’re telling me is that I’m screwed.”
“What I am trying to tell you is that your world just got bigger. What you do with it is entirely up to you.”
“Is that what you did?”
“I was not like Mayla. I was never forced to make such a choice. Few of us are anymore. But when she came to me, saying that the elders were trying to force her to bond where she could not love, to a man that would remake her into someone she would despise… I had no choice. I always hoped that, at the very least, you would have done the same. As you grew older, became so defiant, so fiercely independent, so terrified of intimacy, I feared you might never know what it was to have friends for whom you would sacrifice anything. You shared it with Jerrik, but once that was broken…”
“Intimacy is not my problem, Mother.”
“I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about allowing others to see you as you truly are, embracing them in all of their imperfections without fear, and remaining true to them come what may. I’m talking about connections that run so deep, it no longer matters where you end and they begin. Some find it in marital love, others in friendship. Both are worth risking.”
And just like that, the last eight years of Aytar Gwyn’s life snapped into sharp relief. It had been eight years since she had decided that her first love had been a mistake. Except… it hadn’t been. It had been the love meant to show her who she really was and what she really wanted. And in that way, it had been a spectacular success. Its abrupt end hadn’t been the fault of Jerrik or an indictment of what they had shared. It had been a moment
