I’d seen no sign that the story of my ragged appearance had gone further than some of the servants’ pointed looks my way, and I held on to the fantasy that if I didn’t say anything, it hadn’t really happened. I wanted everything to be normal again, for life to go on much as it had before, though I didn’t know what that meant for Harriet’s plans to wed me to George. Even if he did want me, I could never marry him after what he’d done.
As if sensing my internal turmoil, the weather changed dramatically. A heavy, cold mass of air had crept in while we slept, pushing out the balmy hint of an early summer that we had enjoyed the night of the party. I thought of Wiggles’s letter. It was a godsend, a chance to get away, even for an afternoon. Desperation was new for me, but I felt it now. Maybe there would be something to what Wiggles had to tell me, a light or a hope I could cling to. I asked Hari to come with me, but she demurred as she had an appointment with her new doctor in town, Dr. Randolph, though I knew she wouldn’t have come anyway. She often said that I should limit my social engagements to women of our class.
The morning was chilly, and as Hari and I settled in her coach, I was grateful for the heated bricks that the footman had set out for our feet to rest upon and for the fur-lined rugs we pulled across our laps.
“Thanks for letting me tag along,” I said as I snuggled deeper under my wrap. “Once you are at your doctor’s, I’ll head directly to visit Wiggles. I haven’t seen her for ages.” I patted my purse to make sure I had brought a book for the journey. I often felt a bit anxious if I didn’t have one with me.
Harriet mumbled something indistinct and stared unseeing out the window. It wasn’t like her to be so quiet. In fact, now that I thought about it, she had been rather subdued since the party. Had she heard any gossip from the servants? Or did her mood have anything to do with our fraught conversation before the party? In an attempt to draw her out, I asked her about her new doctor. All she had said was that he was from the Continent and up on all the latest medical advancements.
“You’ve seen quite a lot of Dr. Randolph lately,” I said lightly. “That’s not like you. You’ve always avoided doctors like the plague, ever since that awful time you broke your leg as a child. That was the worst of Papa’s failed investment schemes, don’t you think—the hot-air balloon? I don’t think Mama ever forgave him.”
Hari shrugged. “I don’t know if that was the worst—just one in a long line.”
I peered into Harriet’s face. “I hope everything is all right with you.”
“I’m fine, and I expect to be even better. I’m hoping for good news soon.” She rested a hand on her stomach.
So that was what was weighing on her. Charles and Hari were finally starting a family, and she was clearly anxious to share glad tidings with him.
After a pause, Harriet turned to me. “Sandwell came to me this morning.”
My stomach dropped. “Oh?”
“He felt it was his duty to inform me of what the servants were saying about you—not to his face, of course, but what they were saying when they thought he wasn’t listening.” Hari searched my eyes intently. “What in God’s name happened between you and George? Did you get carried away with your seduction?”
“It wasn’t my fault, Harriet. Nothing went the way I expected.”
“Your instructions were so simple. A kiss, a proposal, not… not whatever it was you did.”
“I didn’t do anything. It was George.” I felt so ashamed—for getting myself into such a situation, for letting both Hari and Charles down, and for my own vulnerability. “He attacked me, Harriet,” I whispered. “When we were alone together, in the cottage on the island.”
“How on earth did you end up there? How could you let yourself get into a compromising position like that?”
“I know. I shouldn’t have, but it all happened so fast. I didn’t have time to react. It was almost as if…” I hesitated. “He planned it.”
Hari’s face flushed a deep crimson.
“He said he would never marry a penniless old maid like me.” My throat tightened as I repeated his hateful words.
“This puts us in a terrible predicament. According to the belowstairs staff, you are of questionable virtue, a woman who wouldn’t hesitate to affix her garter in public, as they say. If this gets around, your reputation will be in shreds. How we’ll find you another suitor, I have no notion.”
“Does Charles know?” I asked anxiously.
“No, thank goodness, and we certainly can’t let him get wind of it. He would be furious, and there’s no telling what he might do.” She gripped the blanket and wrung one end into a knot. “Why did this have to happen with George, of all people? It could be disastrous for Charles.”
“I’m sorry, Hari.” I tried once more to explain, but she just held up the palm of her hand.
“It doesn’t matter what actually happened. All that matters is that we manage the repercussions. I asked Sandwell to make enquiries, and he reported that George changed his plans and didn’t stay over that night as he intended but left quietly for his country house before the midnight meal was served.”
I felt new stirrings of hope. “He must want to avoid scandal
