Harry ducks into a random classroom where he finds the Mirror of Erised, a magical artifact that shows you a reflection of the thing you most desire, which is erised backward, please kill me. If I looked into that mirror, I would see myself blissfully smiling in a universe where I’d never heard writing as bad as “Mirror of Erised”!!! (See also: “Death Eaters.” PLEASE, is this a scary story I wrote when I was nine?) In that universe I also have amazing jugs. :) Harry sees himself reunited with his dead parents. :(
They go visit Hagrid again, who is in the process of hatching an illegal baby dragon named Norbert. Norbert is only in this movie because fans would have been mad if he weren’t, which is not a good way to make a movie. Dumbledore ships Norbert off to Romania instantly with zero complications. Norbert story line concluded!
While they’re meeting Norbert, Malfoy spies them out of bed after hours and tattles to McGonagall, who gives them all (including Malfoy, haha) detention with Hagrid. Hagrid takes them into the Dark Forest in the middle of the night to investigate what kind of eldritch horror is killing unicorns and drinking their blood. HAGRID, ARE YOU SURE THE CHILDREN SHOULD BE ON THIS TRIP?
He sends Harry and Malfoy off by themselves (SURE!), so of course they run into Lord Voldemort sucking a unicorn dry. Okay, what IS Voldemort at this point? I truly don’t know. Because he walks toward Harry like a dude, but then he flies away like a tiny ghost. And also I thought his whole deal was that he didn’t have a body?
Anyways, they’re saved by a centaur. Centaurs are irritating. It seems like if they’re really half-man/half-horse they should either have no arms or they should have to balance on two horse legs. This is a half-man/two-thirds-horse. Disrespectful.
FINALLY they go try and tell Dumbledore that someone’s trying to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone, but McGonagall tells them he’s not home, so they decide that the ONLY WAY is to go get the stone themselves. (WHYYYYYYYYYY?) Neville stands up to them because they are breathtakingly selfish and he’s sick of getting in trouble for it, and Hermione petrifies him! Petrificus totalus! Such a brutal spell to use on a person who is ostensibly your friend, and then she just LEAVES THIS CHILD PARALYZED ON THE COLD FLOOR ALL NIGHT. I’m a Hermione loyalist, but this move is insane. Way worse than stealing his Remembrall!
They head to the forbidden corridor on the third floor only to discover that somebody got there before them (presumably Snape). Now would be a great time to go back to McGonagall and be like, “SERIOUSLY,” but instead they just squeak past Fluffy and jump down into a trapdoor. The Sorcerer’s Stone is guarded by a series of trials, each designed by a different teacher at the school. They have to escape from an evil plant. They have to catch a little flying key. They have to figure out which potion to drink. It goes without saying that Harry and Ron would have been instantaneously deceased without Hermione, but as usual, Harry’s the fucking hero.
The second-to-last trial is a game of giant wizard chess, where they each have to ride around on a giant chess piece while they beat the shit out of each other. Fortunately, just as Harry’s singular talent is flying and Hermione’s singular talent is literally everything else, Ron’s singular talent is chess. Convenient! Hermione is injured, and Ron sacrifices himself to win the game, so Harry has to carry on alone.
“You’ll be okay, Harry!” cries Hermione. “You’re a great wizard.” Um, he’s had one semester of wizard elementary school.
Harry gets to the final trial and finds not Professor Snape but Professor Quirrell trying to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone! Wow! What an upset! He’s staring at the Mirror of Erised and stomping his little foot. Why won’t the stone come out of the mirror?? A creepy voice tells Quirrell to make Harry get the stone. Who is that creepy voice? Oh, it’s only VOLDEMORT HIDING UNDER QUIRRELL’S HAT! Quirrell’s got male pattern VOLDNESS.
Voldemort explains to Harry that he needs the stone so he can get his body back and return to being evil full time, okay?? Harry uses his pure heart to erised the stone out of the mirror and then Quirrell jumps on him. But it turns out that Voldemort can’t touch Harry’s skin because it’s infused with the power of a mother’s love! Quirrell catches on fire! Then Voldemort turns into smoke and flies straight through Harry’s chest, which I guess is no problem.
Harry wakes up in the hospital wing. Dumbledore awards each of them a ton of points for being blisteringly stupid and reckless. No one is punished for the torture of Neville Longbottom. They all live to see another six years of being absolutely maddening impulsive narcissists! Cheers!
RATING: 6/10 DVDs of The Fugitive.
Footnotes
1 OHOHOHO, but he had the help of two other teenagers!!!!!!! Truly incredible counterargument, Casey Novak.
2 I know this information is almost certainly available on like Weasleys-Wizard-Wiki-dot-toadspot-dot-cauldron because J. K. scrambled for an answer in a Pottermore interview once or something, but, paradoxically, the word of J. K. “Wizards Used to Shit in Their Robes and Then Vanish the Diarrhea” Rowling is actually not canon! Sorry!
Big Boy Freaky Friday
I rewatched a lot of movies for this book, and going into it, I thought I had a handle on which movie characters I hated the most. Jason Biggs in American Pie. Bernard from Lost in Forrest Gump. Scorpion in Honey I Fed Our Kids to a Scorpion. But that’s what happens when you go twenty years without rewatching Face/Off, you idiot! You forget about the number-one biggest dud of a fuckin’ guy ever made, America’s Next Top Worst Best Friend, and that includes Elsa from Frozen:1 FBI Special Agent Sean Archer, as portrayed
