Bad Boy: We’re looking for someone. Haitian blond with dreads.
Haitian Guy: Oh, Blondy-dread?
Sometimes I write fake dialogue and pretend that it’s real dialogue, as a joke. The above is not one of those times.
He refuses to tell them where Blondy-dread is, so they bash and destroy his entire livelihood with a stick. Serve and protect!
They track the Haitians to a rotting apartment filled, again, with burning candles and spooky baby doll heads (like, you know Haitians are…regular human people, right?) and immediately get into a horrific gun battle. One Haitian makes the toilet water go in Martin Lawrence’s mouth. Will Smith shoots another Haitian in the eyeball. Michael Bay does this shot where the camera circles around and around the wall, around and around and around and around and around, so if you accidentally swallowed rat poison earlier, you might want to check that part out. (Also, I don’t know, call me an SJW, but I think it kind of matters how many Haitians a cop shoots in the eyeball in one day?) Eventually, they find a Haitian camcorder with a tape in it, which will surely tell them the ????? they need to ???????????????????.
Now, one would assume that the Miami police department has, bare minimum, one VCR on one of those rolling carts they used to wheel into the classroom for movie day to perform the extremely basic task of playing the videotape that’s inside the Haitian camcorder. But I guess the cops have never needed to watch a video before 2003? Instead, Smith and Lawrence go to a crowded electronics store and bully some dweeb into accidentally playing the tape on all four hundred TV screens, which is uncomfortable (and possibly a crime?) because it’s completely a porno.
Then, I forget why, Smith and Lawrence go into a private room at the Best Buy for a quick heart-to-heart, but unfortunately the aforementioned dweeb switches all four hundred TV screens from the porno to a live feed of their feelings convo! Which is uncomfortable because Martin Lawrence is complaining at length about what Will Smith “did to his ass” and how his erection is now flaccid. Now everyone in the Best Buy thinks they’re gays!!!!!3
I have no idea what information they glean from the Haitian camcorder porno, but it is decided that they must go pose as exterminators to infiltrate the Cuban drug lord’s rat-infested mini-mansion. But first they have to literally go to exterminator school to learn how to fight bugs, which they do extremely badly, THANK GOD. LESS SHOOTING AND HOMOPHOBIA, MORE WILL SMITH AND MARTIN LAWRENCE EXTERMINATOR TRAINING MONTAGE. At the Cuban guy’s house, Lawrence sees two rats having sex and he’s like, “He’s straight pile-driving her! They fuck just like us!” HAHAHAHAHA!!! WOULD WATCH MARTIN LAWRENCE SEXUALLY DEGRADE A RAT FOR TWO-PLUS HOURS.
Their only job on this mission is to plant some kind of microphones in the house, or maybe tap the phones, who fucking cares, but instead of getting the job done and getting out of there ASAP, they both go tromping around the house, creepin’ and peepin’, until they get deeply and absolutely caught. Could you have done a worse job of this???? Will Smith discovers that the Cubans have chopped up a Russian and put him in a “tortilla bin” (what?), so they car-chase outta there in the exterminator van, presumably putting all actual employees of the REAL exterminator company, who still have to go to work tomorrow, in mortal peril. But who cares because they get away. Protect! And! Serve!
Holy shit, this movie is only HALFWAY OVER.
Next, Will Smith wears a suit that is three different shades of shiny purple with purple sunglasses. More like two-thousand-and-YEE-IKES!
Okay, there’s a thing I didn’t bother to tell you about earlier in the movie, but now it’s important. The Cuban drug lord is smuggling the ecstasy pills into America inside corpses inside coffins that are on boats. Then, they put money inside different corpses, or maybe the same corpses, and smuggle those back to Cuba. Here is another real line from the movie and not one I made up to make fun of the movie: “We need to put my money in coffins to Cuba faster!” Straightforward!
The bad boys grab Michael Shannon from the jail where he’s awaiting trial for being in the KKK at the beginning of the movie. They need him to do…something (?), so they put him in the trunk of their car and go on another car chase. Sometimes Michael Shannon will yell something hilarious, such as, “These men are violating my rights!” It’s funny when cops abuse their power!
The Cubans are driving a big van full of drugs / cash-stuffed human corpse turduckens. Smith and Lawrence chase them for so long that the corpses start falling out of the van, and it is very humorous! Haha, those are people’s relatives! Will Smith runs over somebody’s dad and his head pops off! Hahaha! Reminder: this is all to stop ecstasy from entering North America.
They sneak inside the Cuban crime mortuary, and Martin Lawrence accidentally eats two ecstasy pills out of a corpse’s rotten body cavity. They go to their captain’s house, where Martin Lawrence gets his erection back and why can’t this whole movie be Martin Lawrence on ecstasy at Joey Pants’s house?? Reader, it’s not.
They finally intercept all the money and the drugs, but unfortunately, the Cuban guy has intercepted Martin Lawrence’s sister and taken her back to Cuba. But Joey Pants won’t help! So they’re like, “We’ve just gotta do it ourselves, man.”
THAT IS ALREADY WHAT YOU DO! YOU HAVE NOT FOLLOWED ONE RULE THIS ENTIRE MOVIE!
But then, all their cop buddies are like, “We are also bad boys! We will go with you!” and the entire Miami police force leaves the country to invade a sovereign nation to save Martin Lawrence’s sister—who, by the way, works for the DEA!
