Then all the water comes back to the Pridelands, due to physics.
So, the moral of The Lion King, I guess, is don’t push your older brother into a wildebeest stampede because someday your nephew might throw you in a hyena-infested fire? Also, the sky is full of dead lions. Being alive is a fright.
RATING: 7/10 DVDs of The Fugitive.
Footnotes
1 Hahaha, this joke was funny during the Obama administration, when it was written, but is less funny during the Donald “Inject Disinfectant” Trump administration! Hahahaha, I long for the sweet relief of a lion’s jaws closing upon my head!
Look at Your Little
Punk British Ass
I was always fascinated as a kid when an old movie star or musician would die and my parents would get sad—it was a window into their lives before I existed, and not just their lives but a whole world of lives, a breathing cultural atmosphere, a past that was as real as my present even though I couldn’t feel it. These people I lived with and thought I knew had intense relationships with a galaxy of celebrities whose names meant nothing to me. They had crushes on them, they went on first dates to their movies, they saved up to buy their records and cried to their songs, and then, like, thirty years later, Lana Turner would die and I’d say, “Who?” and my dad would shake his head and say, “Oh, she was terrific.” She was???? What else do you love that I don’t know about!? Who are you really, sir?
I realized today that someday Jackie Chan will die (probably? I mean, maybe not?) and my kids will be like, “Who?” and I’ll try to explain about Rush Hour and Chris Tucker and how when I was a kid Jackie Chan was not just famous but UBIQUITOUS, and they’ll shrug and file it away under “old celebrity” just like I did with my parents—as though Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker belong in the same folder as, say, Hulk Hogan and Dustin Diamond. I need you to understand the subtle striations of my culture, children! Those who do not know Dustin Diamond are doomed to repeat him!
It’s particularly galling to think about Rush Hour going into the memory hole because Rush Hour is the definition of STILL HOLDS UP. WOW, RUSH HOUR IS STILL SO FUCKING FUNNY EVEN IN 2020. The Fugitive is the only good movie, but so is Rush Hour.
Actually, I can’t say that Rush Hour is perfect because director Brett Ratner is a known sex creep who has been accused of sexual assault and harassment by at least nine women, and also the ONE AND ONLY female character in the movie (other than “sexy crime waitress” and “kidnapped child”) is sexually harassed literally every time she is on-screen, plus every time Jackie Chan says a punch line the score plays a gong. Whether or not to watch Rush Hour is the kind of sticky post-#MeToo judgment call we now have to make all the time, and there’s no map other than your own personal instincts and comfort zone. Unfortunately, due to the indefatigable vileness of men throughout history, sexual exploitation and abuse of power have pervaded all of our art and media, and everything is tainted and fucked!
If you feel gross renting Rush Hour and having a portion of your money filter back to Brett Ratner, you definitely should not watch it. Don’t make yourself feel gross!! Take care of yourself! If you do want to watch it, here are some ideas: 1) take the money you spent on renting Rush Hour and send double that to an organization that helps survivors of sexual violence; 2) borrow the DVD from your cousin, then send some money to an organization that helps survivors of sexual violence anyway; 3) illegally download it and then send a taunting letter to Brett Ratner; 4) remember that lots of dedicated, brilliant cast and crew members and other professionals who are not accused of multiple rapes also worked extremely hard on Rush Hour; 5) remember that absolutely nothing great about Rush Hour is great because of Brett Ratner. You can say, “Lindy, you have no way of knowing that; you have not worked on a set with Brett Ratner,” but I know that Brett Ratner didn’t make Chris Tucker funny and Jackie Chan charming! Sorry!
People always accuse feminists of taking the fun out of everything, but can you see how it is actually Brett Ratner who did that?????
Okay, anyway, we open on the last day of British rule in Hong Kong, and Jackie Chan is beating up an entire crime syndicate on a ship because they stole five thousand years of Chinese artifacts and Jackie Chan loves artifacts! He’s trying to bring down the mysterious and mega-deadly crime boss Juntao, but all he finds is a henchman (Ken Leung, UNDERAPPRECIATED) who manages to escape in a lil boat. Jackie Chan is upset but still excited he got the art back. It’s nice when people kick other people in the head in defense of art!!!
Jackie Chan’s boss, Mr. Han, the Chinese consul, is having a dinner party to celebrate his family’s big move to Los Angeles, and his friend Tom Wilkinson is toasting him warmly. I’m sorry, but if there’s a British guy in a suit who talks in the first five minutes of your movie, he’s the villain! If it’s Tom Wilkinson, you’re fucked.
Jackie Chan informs Mr. Han that Juntao and the henchman got away, but he did save the art. They decide to call that a win!
Jackie Chan says goodbye to Mr. Han’s
