I still had a little time before Gregory would be home, so I thought I’d make a cup of tea. When I stood up to go boil the water, I realized that I still had the butter knife in my hand. A hunk of bloody hair hung from the blade.
I quickly lifted a hand to the back of my neck and realized that I had an open wound. Blond hair stuck to my fingers. In a panic, I pressed a dishtowel to my wound, washed the knife, and went upstairs to change my top.
There was a lot of blood, but the cut wasn’t deep. After cleaning it, I hid it easily under a little bandage. Shamefully holding the towel and my bloody clothes, I buried them at the bottom of the diaper pail.
Before going to the hospital, Gregory informed me that we were going to stop by the adoption agency. He had managed to get an emergency appointment, and the sooner we went, the better. We needed to get the situation cleared up.
“You want to return them?” asked Giselle violently. “Send them back to Russia?”
That obviously wasn’t the issue. We simply wanted to understand: Why had they poisoned our children?
“There’s nothing we can do,” she said. “There’s no legal recourse internationally. And then, what, do you want to shut down the orphanage? You don’t know what the conditions are over there. They’re doing what they can with what they have. And if you only knew—it’s no better here. I don’t know what world you’re living in!”
Giselle’s lack of understanding was baffling.
Her face contorted with rage. “You have two beautiful children. All you have to do is help them through this one little challenge. That’s what responsible parents do.”
Her chastising tone made my stomach contract in pain. She might have been right. Was I in the middle of failing my first maternal duty?
Gregory saw things differently, and lost control. “It’s your agency we’re going to close down. It’s you we’re going to sue!”
“Sir, having children always involves risk. They’re not luxury items that come with a guarantee. You want to return them because they don’t meet your standards? I can open a file and put them right back up for adoption. There are plenty of other families out there just waiting for a chance like this.”
“Are you a complete idiot? It’s not the children who are the problem, it’s the whole shitty system that hasn’t taken care of them! Your agency is working with criminal institutions!”
Giselle stood up in such a fury that her chair fell over backwards. “You have no right to speak to me that way!” she said. “I’m calling security—get out of my office. I’m the one who can revoke your custody of the children!”
Gregory stood and glared at her before catching my arm for me to follow him. “Come on,” he said. “We’re leaving!”
We sat for a moment in the parked car, speechless. Gregory gripped the wheel as though he was about to plow straight into the concrete wall ahead of us. I stared at the toes of my pumps without seeing them.
“We were tricked,” I said, my voice breaking. I didn’t know what tone to use.
Gregory, however, remained furious. “What do you want me to say?” he said. “That I chose the wrong agency? That I should have done something in Russia while there was still time? You want me to tell you this is all my fault? Okay, Emma, it’s all my fault. Are you happy?”
“How could we not have noticed anything?”
“It all went so fast. I had so many things on my mind at the same time: the procedures, the interviews, the meetings. It was too much.”
“You make it sound like I made you do everything. I was the one who planned the trip, bought the tickets, made the reservations, shopped, packed. What? You think you’re the only one who cared?”
“I didn’t say that. But ever since you lost the baby you’ve been so fragile, it’s like you’re going to fall apart any second. I feel like I have to handle everything.”
“I never asked you to be my caretaker. I don’t need you!”
“That’s exactly the problem! How do you expect to build a family? All by yourself?”
“What family? We’re nothing yet—they’re not even…”
Gregory furrowed his brow. “They’re not even what, Emma? What?”
I thought of their sweet faces as a sob muffled my words. Poor babies, as if on top of it all they needed their parents tearing each other apart. “Oh, Gregory… Let’s go get them, okay? They’re all alone at the hospital. Let’s start doing it right. They’re so worth it.”
Gregory’s fury melted away. He sighed, and a moment passed. “You’re right,” he said. “There’s no sense fighting against what happened. They’re all that matters now.”
We were never going to set foot in that agency again. I didn’t know if Giselle’s threat was real, I didn’t know if she actually had the power to revoke our custody of the babies, but I certainly wasn’t about to test her. The very thought of being separated from my sons now made me shiver with horror. I promised myself that from now on, I would devote myself completely to them.
The boys were released from the hospital that same day. It turned out that there was no trace of alcohol left in their system by the time they were admitted. The nurses felt it was enough to treat them for dehydration. “You can get tests done at a private clinic, but as far as we’re concerned, they’re in perfect health.” They suggested it may have been an allergic reaction, or lactose or gluten intolerance. They didn’t know. We would just have to be vigilant. We could finally go home together. All together.
The twins tottered through the first floor of the house, checking out the space. The cat, intrigued, followed them everywhere. Daniil took to him right away and immediately nestled his head into
