I remain motionless, staring blankly back at her.
“Don’t worry,” she offers a warm smile. “Samuel is staying in a different part of the house. He wouldn’t ever suspect my husband and I were hiding you here. He will leave in a few days.”
I don’t have anything to say. I don’t care whether Samuel and his guards find me or not.
Augusta leads me inside a bathroom. I stagger along unsteadily on shaky legs. She runs me a bath and helps me undress. I sit motionless in the bathtub, vacantly gazing into the water, while Augusta washes my hair. I can still see my mother enveloped in the raging flames, her mouth open in a silent scream.
Augusta dries me with a large soft towel and brings fresh clothes. I dress and she helps me to bed, as I can hardly walk.
“You should rest now.” She covers me with a blanket and kisses my cheek. “I’ll bring you some food when you awaken.”
After she leaves, I pull the blanket over my head and roll into a ball. I close my eyes to the world, instantly passing out.
***
The days drift by, gray and filled with grief. I spend most of the time in bed, getting up only to stagger to the bathroom. I can’t eat or speak. I can’t even sleep normally because each night I watch my mother burning alive in my dreams. I awaken several times during the night, sweaty and anxious. I lie still, waiting for the room to lighten although the mornings bring no relief.
I think constantly of my mother. I recall her sitting on the blanket inside our shack, smiling at me, her eyes tired but filled with love. I want to cry. I realize I’ve never really known my mother. I’d always been so selfish, concentrating only on my own problems, only worrying about myself. I never thought my mother might have her own dreams, scars and secrets. I never tried to get to know her. I should have been more understanding and loving toward her. I should have done so many things differently…
It’s too late now to be having regrets. I will never get to see my mother again. I will never get another chance to make her happy.
I turn over on my stomach and press my face against the pillow.
Master Dimitri found Tanya in the Field a few days ago. She often comes inside my room and sits on my bed, watching me sadly. We don’t speak but share a mutual understanding without words. We’ve both lost our families. Tanya’s face looks hardened and stoic. I see no tears in her large dark eyes.
Lady Augusta runs my bath and brushes my hair each day. She kisses my cheek before saying goodnight. I’m being mothered and taken care of. I feel like I’m a little girl again, all weak and helpless. Augusta brings my meals and coaxes me to take a few bites. I have no appetite but try obediently, chewing the food methodically. The gag reflex is almost unbearable and I have trouble swallowing the food. I quickly give up and lie back in bed. Augusta sighs, looking concerned. I leave most of the food untouched.
“Would you like me to read to you?” she asks.
I nod, still not feeling like speaking.
“What would you like me to read?”
I shrug. I don’t really care.
Augusta brings an old book with fairy tales, lies down beside me and begins reading. I close my eyes, listening to the stories about witches, dragons and trolls.
One day Master Dimitri comes to visit. He sits on the edge of my bed, remaining silent for a time.
“Samuel and his guards have left,” he says. “You’re safe now. My guards won’t report you. They’re all very trustworthy and reliable.”
I don’t answer.
“I’m very sorry for everything that’s happened.” Dimitri gazes away, his expression mournful. “I feel it’s my own doing. I knew I shouldn’t have sold you. I knew that nothing good would come from it.”
I watch him, unmoving and quiet. I don’t blame Dimitri for anything. He didn’t kill my mother. Samuel did.
“I wish I could somehow change everything.” Dimitri frowns. “I wish I could set all my servants free. But I have to obey Samuel. He’d execute me and send another master here, should I break the rules.”
He finally turns to face me, having a strange look. I remain frozen. He gently strokes my hair, saying, “Augusta doesn’t want to bear her own children. But she has a lot of love in her. I know she enjoys taking care of you and Tanya.” He pauses, studying my face. “Do you think you’d like to stay with us here? You’re already like a daughter to us. And you’d be safe in our home.”
Something warms inside my chest. I’ve never had a father. I feel tears forming in my eyes. I crawl toward my former master and wrap my arms around him, pressing my face into his shoulder. He’s big and warm.
“It’s all right,” Dimitri sighs, patting my back soothingly. “You’ll be all right.”
But I know nothing will ever be all right again. How could it be when my mother is dead?
After Dimitri leaves my room, I continue thinking about what to do. Should I stay here? I would be safe and loved. I wouldn’t have to worry about food or clothes. I wouldn’t have to be on the run. Giving up any responsibility and letting others take care about you is so tempting. I can envision myself living in this beautiful mansion, wearing long dresses and eating delicious food. But is this what I really want? Is it freedom? I wouldn’t even be able to walk outside because the villagers could see and report me.
I turn onto my side, troubled.
I want to leave. No, I don’t want to leave. I don’t
