While I watched, stunned – since when had Mum curtsied? – the crowd roared their approval.
Someone shouted, ‘What’s your favourite breakfast, Birdie?’
Birdie cocked her head to the side, as if thinking.
‘We’re very proud of that gesture,’ Olivine said. ‘She does that while the tech scans for the right answer. Makes her look so lifelike.’
‘I like my daddy’s pancakes,’ said Birdie’s hologram finally, in a sweet voice. ‘Have you got any other questions?’
I watched her glumly.
She looked like Birdie, with her heart-shaped face and those two wonky front teeth, but she didn’t glow, not like Birdie did. Birdie’s face had practically shone, like a garden after a rainfall. This flickering thing in front of us was just a collection of sound bites put together by some nerd in a lab.
But no one else downstairs seemed to care. In fact, they got a little bit overexcited, asking Birdie’s hologram lots of baffling questions at once and shouting out over one another.
‘What was your ping fleck subject at school?’
‘What did you want to be when you were fully loaded?’
‘Did you have a boss minister?’
Eventually, she just looked overwhelmed and ran to Mum’s hologram and buried her head in her clothes.
‘Aaaaaah,’ went the crowd.
‘She’s rebooting,’ said the woman. ‘Let’s give her a break. Does anyone have any questions for Frankie instead?’
There was a pause. A few people turned in the direction of my hologram, who unfortunately, at that moment, had chosen to pick her nose. (Thanks, Dad, for capturing that magical moment on camera.)
Someone murmured, ‘Think I’ll swipe, thanks.’
And everyone looked a bit embarrassed.
The woman in charge nodded decisively, as if to round things up. ‘We’ve seen enough to get a sense of the experience. Thank you all so much for coming.’
There was more clapping.
They said: ‘What an achievement! It’s just like going back in a time machine and walking through their home!’
But they were wrong. It wasn’t like home at all. It was like someone had taken the skin off my original home and sewn it on to another house. It was basically Frankenstein. I was abandoned in a stitched-up monster-house, my family were never coming back for me, and no one wanted to talk to my hologram.
SEA VIEW COTTAGE: AN ORDINARY HOME MADE EXTRAORDINARY BY TRAGEDY.
HELLO THERE, CHERISHED VISITOR. WE HOPE YOU HAVE AN AWESOME DAY DISCOVERING THE RIPLEY FAMILY HOME.
IS IT YOUR FIRST TIME VISITING US TODAY? HERE ARE SOME FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT FIND USEFUL!
1. Why is it so dark in here?
The furnishings inside the cottage are now extremely old, and the wallpaper, curtains and fabrics are deteriorating by the day. Any natural light will cause further damage. By keeping the curtains shut and the lights dim, the house will live on a bit longer.
If you do find yourself longing for natural light, feel free to wander into the back garden, where, as well as traditional twenty-first-century family meals, you can also enjoy the finest synth meat and veg plate-ups, and enjoy a delicious fresh CuppaGrubba (ExoGrinds are also available) made from the finest coffee-grubs in the cosy garden café at the back.
2. Where are the flushers?
Public flushers can be found in the café. There is also a small flusher next to Mrs Ripley’s study, but this is not for use as it is part of the house and for exhibition only.
3. Why can I hear weird sighing noises from time to time?
Unlike our modern, digitally-run houses, older houses will always ‘talk’. The ‘sighing’ noises you may hear, which also occasionally sound like exasperated ‘tuts’, are caused by nothing more than the bricks and the pipes shifting and moving as they get used to changes in temperature.
That’s all it is.
4. Why is there always a smell of damp somewhere in the house? And why do some of the rooms suddenly become freezing?
We agree – there is often an inexplicable smell of seawater that curiously moves from room to room. Sometimes you can even smell it in the garden! We’re still looking into why, but a likely explanation is plumbing. That’s all it is. Just a harmless bit of plumbing! Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all!
As for the temperature dropping – just the plumbing again. We’re reluctant to modernise the heating inside Sea View as we think it will compromise the integrity – and authenticity – of its structure. If you are cold, please help yourself to the scarves and hats that we have hung up in the rooms.
We would be grateful if you could obey the ‘two questions per paying customer’ rule with the holograms, as too many can overrule their systems and lead to all sorts of glitches.
Don’t forget to leave your comments in the visitors’ book in the hallway as you leave.
Thank you for supporting Historic Homes: bringing the stories of the past into the present. And ask us about the benefits of membership!
AND SO MY house became a tourist attraction.
In the first few mad days after the opening ceremony, I did try, at first, to remember my manners. It was easy to guess what Mum and Dad would have said, if they’d been there. ‘Stop glaring at them like that, Frankie, and remember that they’re our guests.’ I kept myself out of the way and did not make a fuss.
In fact, I developed a simple rule: ghosts inside the ropes, tourists outside.
The ropes were the thick red room dividers, looped between two bronze stands, placed across every doorway in the cottage. They kept the tourists on the other side, just beyond, looking in from the doorway. Even though occasionally I felt like an invisible animal in a zoo, at least it meant I had rooms to myself.
More or less. There were the Room Sentries to share with now.
These were the members of staff stationed in each part of the house. They were there for two reasons: if the holograms were elsewhere, the Room Sentries could be asked questions about the house
