Mostly what I’m supposed to do as president is, according to the Constitution, “take Care that the laws be faithfully executed.” I’m the national hall monitor.
The rest is paperwork. I can “require the Opinion, in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices.”
And, under the Freedom of Information Act, so can the New York Times. A fat lot of good it does either of us.
Now let’s all go have some fun at the inaugural balls. I’m going to attend all of them and have a few drinks at each. If I wake up late tomorrow with a bad headache and don’t feel like working, don’t worry. My job isn’t all that important.
My Own Personal Fantasy League Presidential Election
Being, more or less, seated and clothed and in my right mind, I’m very unhappy with this presidential election. And there’s nothing I can do about it. So I’m going to give up and retreat into a fantasy life.
No matter how bad reality is you can always use your imagination. You can wish upon a star for hope and change. (Or did somebody try that already?)
Anyway, come with me to the Land of Make-Believe. Let’s pretend that a good, respectable, intelligent, decent, honest, and reasonable Democrat is running for president against a good, respectable, intelligent, decent, honest, and reasonable Republican.
Quit laughing. We’re trying to have a daydream here.
As long as we’re dreaming let’s make the Democrat a working-class guy from the rust belt, a skilled machinist for instance, who runs a small business, has to make payroll, and feels the full effects of OSHA, EPA, EEOC, Obamacare, and every other government regulatory requirement.
And—since we’re talking unicorns, flying ponies, and candy-flavored rainbows—let’s make the Republican a woman from a disadvantaged minority background.
I’ve got nothing against GOP presidential candidates being random old white males. I’m one of those myself. But it’s about time that Republicans heard from somebody—other than a Supreme Court justice or a former governor of Alaska—who knows what it feels like to be an excluded conservative outsider.
Given the direction that America’s factionalized society, partisan animosities, and identity politics are headed, everybody is going to be feeling like an excluded outsider soon. The GOP should get with the program.
But I’m talking about reality again, and I promised not to do that. Let’s get back to our castle in the air.
Suppose we’ve got these two ideal candidates. And suppose they debate each other. Do you think their debate would sound anything like the debates we’ve heard this year? That wouldn’t be a dream. That would be a nightmare.
In our imaginary perfect world there wouldn’t even be a debate moderator. (As far as I can tell the only reason we’ve had moderators in the real world debates is to bring the average IQ in the debate venue up to three figures.)
Our ideal candidates flip a coin to see who goes first, speak briefly, listen to what the other candidate says, respond to it, and don’t interrupt.
Our Republican wins the toss.
Good Republican: “The most important issues facing our nation are the federal debt and deficit. When you find yourself down in a hole, quit digging. If we don’t get government overspending under control we will end up with the soaring cost-price index and plunging economy of the “stagflation” we had in the 1970s and—heaven forbid—disco may make a comeback.
Good Democrat: I agree with my esteemed opponent about the dangers of the debt and deficit—and disco. But America has been down in this debt and deficit hole before, after World War II and after the Civil War. In both cases rapid economic growth was our ladder out. I believe the most important issue facing our nation is economic growth. I believe government has a role to play in stimulating growth through wise spending on much-needed infrastructure. And I mean wise spending—not sticking Solyndra solar panels where the sun never shines or building light rail to get stoned millennials back to their shared housing in downtown Portland.
GR: Yes, fixing the debt and deficit without economic growth would be like trout fishing in Death Valley. I’d stimulate the economy by cutting taxes and reduce the deficit by cutting spending. We know cutting taxes stimulates the economy. It’s so obvious even a Death Valley dead trout would understand. Having more money makes you richer. As for spending, the U.S. GDP is about $19 trillion. Combined U.S. federal, state, and local government spending is about $6.5 trillion. That’s almost a third of GDP. Oughta be enough! If you were sending a check for a third of your income every month to your stoned millennial kid in Portland, he could Uber.
GD: Fortunately, my millennial kid works in the family machine shop back in Cleveland and limits himself to a couple of beers on the weekend. However, I take your point. Unfortunately, about two-thirds of the federal budget goes to entitlement programs. And politicians from both parties have been about as willing and able as your dead trout to tackle entitlement cuts. I’d be a big liar if I said I had a quick fix for entitlement spending, even if I win majority support in the House and the Senate. Also, let us not forget that while entitlements can be—and are—abused, they also provide a lot of help to people who would be helpless without them. For example, Social Security, for all its problems, virtually eliminated severe poverty among the aged in America. Let’s be honest here, do you really want your mother-in-law living in your spare bedroom until she’s 103?
GR: You met my mother-in-law when our families went to church together. No.
GD: I also take your point about taxes, they are too high for some people. But then again, for some other people, maybe they’re not high enough. While we’re being honest, let me point out that I’m a Democrat. I will raise taxes on very rich people. Even Adam
