The Heartland/Costal divide does not fall along strict lines of political ideology either. Harry Truman was a Heartlander. Steve Bannon makes Heartlander tornado noises but is in fact a Coastal hurricane of know-it-all, cared-stiff self-regard. Donald Trump is a Coastal pretending to be a Heartlander, covering his oh-so-Coastal real estate scammer face with a mask of drunk-in-a-bowling-alley Heartlander bigotry. Elizabeth Warren is a Heartlander. You can tell by the middle-American banality of all her “to-do” lists. These may be posted with Noam Chomsky, Paul Krugman, John Kenneth Galbraith, and Emma Goldman refrigerator magnets. But you know that, inside the fridge, is Miracle Whip, Velveeta, Spam, yellow mustard, iceberg lettuce, Jello salad, tuna casserole, meat loaf surprise made with Hamburger Helper, and leftover SpaghettiOs. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders, with an almost identical political platform, has spent fifty-two years in the Heartland of Vermont and you could still use his New York accent to grate cheddar.
Nor are ethnic, racial, gender, sexual orientation, or religious “identities” determinative. Justice Scalia—Heartland. Sacco and Vanzetti—Coastal. Likewise: Colin Powell/Ta-Nehisi Coates, Peter Thiel/Rosie O’Donnell, Milton Friedman/Chuck Schumer.
Caitlyn Jenner is a Heartland jock. Former Transparent star Jeffrey Tambor is a Coastal snowflake. And, speaking of sexual harassment, #MeToo also spans the Coastal-Heartland divide. Bill Clinton is a Heartlander and a Tit-and-Asslander. (While Hillary is a doughy Heartlander full of flakey Coastal pretensions.)
Coastals are not all flakes. Among them there is an upper crust—crumbs that stick together.
Some sit atop the pie of finance. Heartlanders may make money, but Coastals create money in their opaque central banks, their arcane derivative markets, and their mystifying high-tech IPO offerings.
Some crumbs coat the bread loaf of politics. The political Coastals are devoted to social justice—a large pile of benefits to be distributed to the Heartland many, just as soon as the Coastal few have grabbed and hoarded a large pile of their own.
The political Coastals are enamored of world peace, although it’s Coastals who send the U.S. military on fool’s errands to Iraq and Afghanistan. It’s Heartlanders who join up.
The crux of the matter is not about Heartlanders being good and Coastals being evil. It’s about their respective ability to tell the difference.
This is similar to their respective judgments about intoxication at an early age. Young Heartlanders get drunk and know they’ve become stupid. Young Coastals get stoned and think they’ve become brilliant. The same pattern will continue into adulthood. Mature Heartlanders watch the news about something like the 2020 presidential election and know they’ve become confused. Mature Coastals watch the same news about the same something and think they’ve become experts.
Heartlanders believe in applying common sense to the question of good and evil. Coastals believe in arguing the premises of the question.
To take a simple example of good, there’s the Bill of Rights. A Heartlander looks at the Bill of Rights and thinks, “It’s pretty good.” A Coastal has an argument with every one of the first ten Amendments.
I. Free speech
What if it makes college students cry?
II. Right to bear arms
Unless the guns are scary-looking.
III. No soldiers to be quartered in houses in time of peace
Does Airbnb count? Because Airbnb is contributing to the shortage of affordable housing in rapidly gentrifying inner cities and while I don’t advocate the quartering of soldiers per se, because that might be insensitive to antiwar home owners, there are the homeless to be considered and . . .
IV. Unlawful search and seizure
Although in many ways Wikileaks made important contributions to the goals of transparency in . . .
V. Protection against self-incrimination
Unless investigated by the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee.
VI. & VII. Right to jury trial
When not already found guilty in a New York Times editorial.
VIII. Prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment
Except reputational death by Twitter.
IX. Enumerated rights
Wait a minute! They left out the right to health care, the right to education, the right to a living wage, the right to . . .
X. “The Powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”
But . . . But . . . But so many of those states are in places like Oklahoma and so many of those people live in states like that and . . .
Which brings us back to knowing hay from straw. It turns out not to matter. A Heartlander will tell you that either hay or straw will do just fine to stuff in the mouth of a Coastal.
Quiz
ARE YOU A COASTAL OR A HEARTLANDER?
It’s not where you live. It’s how you live. Take this quiz to find out whether you’re an Organic All-Natural Unrefined Sea Salt person or whether you’re the Salt of the Earth.
Check option A or option B, then tally your scores below.
RESULTS
If you checked fifteen or more items in the Option A column you’re a Coastal. If you think books that have personal profile quizzes in them are a stupid waste of time you’re a Heartlander.
Goodbye to Classical Liberalism . . .
“It’s the End of the World!”
People are always saying this. Especially people my age. Marcus Tullius Cicero, born in 106 B.C. and even older than I am, is famous for his apocalyptic declaration, “O tempora! O mores!” (“Oh, what times! Oh, what behavior!”) The trouble is, sometimes Cicero and I are right.
Cicero, the greatest orator of the Roman Republic, was denouncing the political conspirator Catiline.
Catiline was a “reformer” who ran for the Roman consulship on a platform—this will sound familiar—of increased benefits for disadvantaged plebeians and tabulae novae (“clean slates”) universal debt cancellation. Then, when he lost the election, he tried to overthrow the Roman government.
Catiline was the SPQR Bernie Sanders. Except, as a social justice warrior, Catiline actually was a warrior and his army of supporters really were armed—with swords instead of bongs, Hacky Sacks, and $5 campaign contributions.
Rome’s legions killed Catiline in 62 B.C. But the Catiline conspiracy was just one episode in a long
