“It’s a painting,” says Daisy, nodding toward the doctor’s exhausted plate, now a smeary abstract of yellows, reds, browns, grays and oranges against white.
Eggstain considers the idea. “Willem de Kooning, possibly,” he says.
“From his greasy spoon period.”
The medic’s eyes crinkle.
“Maybe I should offer it to the Tate.”
“Does it have a title?”
Eggstain claws at his beard in thought.
“I call it… The Emancipation of the Serfs. A powerful work speaking of the end of struggle. But also of loss, and emptiness.”
“Hmm. Dunno. How about, A Doc’s Breakfast?”
“I like that. Speaking of hunger, but also of its release. Mixed media. Food residue on ceramic.”
Daisy can’t top that, so there’s another pause.
“Are you off then?” she says eventually.
“Actually. Actually, no I’m not. I was going to stay here until my next appointment. Don’t you have to go to work?”
“Not especially. I mean, not immediately.”
“Well. In that case, shall we have some more tea?” says Eggstain.
“Yes,” says Daisy. The pair resume their seats. “And I wouldn’t mind another one of those sausage sandwiches. How about yourself?”
“I couldn’t. But you go ahead. I’ll watch.”
“Sorry. I’ve got to say this.”
“Oh dear. Ominous.”
“Not at all.”
“You’ve discovered my darkest secret.”
“Oh, I know all about that.”
“What? Not the…?”
“Yup. The secret collection of teddy bears.”
He smiles. “Is that the worst thing you can imagine about me?”
“You don’t seem the ax murderer type.”
“It’s true. Axes scare me.”
“Blades of all kinds, possibly.”
“Ha. Touché.”
“No, what I have got to say…”
“Here it comes.”
“You’ve got a pip. It’s bothering me. May I?”
Eggstain doesn’t quite follow, so Daisy reaches across the table and delicately picks the offending tomato seed out of the overgrown topiary.
“God, how embarrassing. I feel about six. When your mum used to spit in her hanky and wipe your face. Maybe that never happened to you.”
Eggstain feels at the spot where his breakfast was attempting to put down roots.
“Actually,” he says. “I’ll tell you a secret. It’s not especially dark, but it is a secret in the sense that no one else knows it.”
“How exciting! What, not even…”
“Not even Hope.”
“Go on then.”
“What was your nickname at school?” he asks.
“Parsley. Or sometimes people, unkind people, would call me Moo. Or they would actually moo. Daisy being a typical name for a cow. Why do you ask?”
“Do you know what mine was?”
“I’m guessing it wasn’t Neville Beardie.”
“Eggstain.”
“Get. Out!”
“It’s funny hearing it again after all these years. It’s stirred up some old memories.”
“I’ll tell Mum to stop saying it. Honestly, I’m so sorry…”
“No. Not at all. I rather like it.”
“Really?”
“It reminds me of early promise.”
“You make it sound like. Like things didn’t work out as you expected.”
“Do things ever do that? Did your things?”
“Yeah. I mean, no. And now, according to you, it’s practically all over. What a pile of shite that turned out to be!”
“I didn’t mean to depress you.”
“You’re not. This is miles better than work.”
“I’ll get us some tea.”
“And a sausage sandwich.”
“On brown or white?”
“Which do you think is a healthier option within a balanced diet?”
Eggstain smiles.
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
(ONLY FOR THE EYES OF THE PRESIDENT, SHIMNONG ELECTRONICS CORPORATION.)
Further report of the Smart Technology Security Committee, Shimnong Electronics Corporation
Subject: Freezejoy Fridge-freezer model 1004/475/**8/00004345/a/N/9631
Location: London, England. IP address: XXXXXXXXXX (Redacted)
Malfunction: Continued transgression of operational parameters
Severity code: 1—2—3—4—5 (most serious)
Senior engineers contributing: Hung Shin-Il, Ch’on Tae-Yeon, Chin Ji-Won, Kwak Ji-Hee, Pok Sung-Ho.
The appliance continues to malfunction. Further serious violations of the Performance Code have taken place.
1. A real-world meeting between The Customer and a Fifth Party (Mr. Johnny Elphinstone of Fulham, London) was engineered by the appliance and its co-conspirators, a microwave oven, a television set and an electronic toothbrush, all of Chinese manufacture. An elaborate plot involving a fictional ice cream brand was constructed which demonstrated considerable sophistication in both imaginative construction and use of language. It is the view of those members of this committee who have made a detailed study of the transcripts that the appliance exhibited worryingly high levels of independence of mentation and continues to do so.
Full accounts may be found HERE. It is considered fortunate from the perspective of reputational damage that the case did not result in physical assault or police intervention.
2. In the last twenty-four hours the appliance has become preoccupied with extensive search engine operations in connection with a subject called “Nicky Bell,” believed to refer to a person of interest to The Customer. The scale and intensity of the activity is wholly out of proportion with its previous patterns of online search, both legitimate and transgressive.
While it has been instructive to observe the appliance breaching its operational parameters with considerable degrees of flair and creativity, it is nonetheless the recommendation of this committee that a date now be set for its remote deactivation, to be followed by immediate removal and repatriation to Seoul for rigorous interrogation. Much has been learned and many questions have been raised in the observation phase. Now is the time for answers.
In the excellent words of your father, our Founding President: Smart is good. But no one likes a smartarse.
We respectfully suggest a hard shutdown take place ten days from the date of this memorandum.
six
In seeking to uncover the truth about Daisy’s “Edenic ideal,” there was only one issue I wanted to address. Would it contain anything pivotal, anything that could provide us with “leverage” in helping Daisy to “move on”?
Here, briefly, is his story. Judge for yourself.
Once we made the critical breakthrough, that the Golden Nicky had been “rebadged” as Bavin Meurig Shibbles, it wasn’t especially hard to follow his progress over the years that followed his disappearance. For a long period, he simply traveled. Through Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia, not a few young women were drawn into the path of the handsome young Englishman with the floppy hair and the impeccable manners. When he ran short of funds, he readily found work, usually as a teacher, but also (sailing close to the wind) as an
