“Donal’s the reason that I can’t be in your show. When that picture was taken, I was about to go into broadcasting and he was going to inherit the farm. But what he really loved to do was to sing. His foolish dream was to perform on cruise liners. Instead he used to entertain the cows. He’d go down on one knee and belt out”—and here Chad actually sang the title—“‘If You Were the Only Girl in the World’ to a herd of fucking Friesians in a muddy field. My God, it was hilarious. And beautiful. He had such a lovely tenor baritone. Everything I’ve done in my career—everything—has been for him.”
“What happened?” I asked quietly.
“Came off his motorcycle, nine days short of his twenty-first birthday.”
“I am so sorry.”
“The worst part was I couldn’t go the funeral. His family were deeply religious. They didn’t know about us. Actually, the worst part was that I couldn’t sit in the hospital with him while they decided to turn off the life support. Actually… the real worst part was the next forty years. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, my darling. I haven’t told anyone.”
Not wishing to be a cynical cow or anything, but I sensed my moment.
In a quiet voice I said, “I think you should.”
“Yeah. I should. I’ve thought so many times that I should. I owe him so much. But I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“He wouldn’t have wanted me to. The family.”
“Surely now. Surely after so many years. Now that the whole climate has changed.”
“Yeah, it has. We’ve all passed a lot of water since then. I know I have!”
A half-hearted cheesy grin. He couldn’t help himself, the old ham.
“And many of his family will be—no longer around.”
“This is also true. You know, if there was a way, I’d really love to do it. If I didn’t have to say his name…”
“You wouldn’t have to. You could change everything about it. You could say it all happened in France. And he wasn’t a farmer’s son. He was… I don’t know. A soldier.”
Chad’s eyebrows took a few moments to toy with the soldier idea.
“I could call him Didier.”
“Or Yves.”
“Yes. Yes, Yves could work. But not saying his name. Would I come to feel ashamed about that?”
Frankly, I was amazed that a person who has fronted as much horse poo as Chad Butterick was familiar with the concept of shame.
“Well, if you did come to feel like that, you can always tell the real version later.”
I was quite proud of this answer because, in my own ears at least, I sounded like a proper TV producer. Everything contingent; nothing decided until the latest possible moment; the possibility of a repeat always in play!
It must have been a pretty good reply because Chad said, “Hmm.”
However, it was too soon to know if I’d saved the day because Chad wanted to think it all over. He’d give us his decision by the end of the week.
“You’re a very clever young lady,” he told me at the door, a sure sign that the man was a fool.
“No one has ever called me that before.”
“I was certain I wasn’t going to do this, and now… now I don’t know.”
All the way back to the office I wondered whether Eggstain was right. That my unconscious somehow knew the photo over the fireplace held the key. I guessed if I forgot to ask him, my grapefruit brain would remind me.
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
ONLY FOR THE EYES OF THE PRESIDENT, SHIMNONG ELECTRONICS CORPORATION
Update from the Smart Technology Security Committee, Shimnong Electronics Corporation
Subject: Freezejoy Fridge-freezer model 1004/475/**8/00004345/a/N/9631
Location: London, England. IP address: XXXXXXXXXX (Redacted)
Malfunction: Continued transgression of operational parameters
Severity code: 1—2—3—4—5 (most serious)
Senior engineers contributing: Hung Shin-Il, Ch’on Tae-Yeon, Chin Ji-Won, Kwak Ji-Hee, Pok Sung-Ho.
A hard shutdown of the device has been scheduled to take place in forty-eight hours from 04:00 GMT tomorrow.
Our UK handling agents have been informed of the “fault” that will trigger a full set of error lights and warning flags in the app on the customer’s mobile phone.
Removal and substitution are arranged to take place on Saturday morning when it is highly likely the customer will raise no objections to the product’s replacement with a superior model. It is additionally anticipated the customer will have been unaware of any malfunction until informed by our representatives.
The appliance will be taken by road to our distribution center in Southampton where a decision will be made whether to transship it to Seoul in its entirety or whether its computerized circuitry may be stripped out for detailed examination, the remainder of its hardware being destroyed on site.
The reason for the uncertainty lies in the machine’s extensive deliberations about the nature of its own “mental” processes. It has reported numerous “feelings” in its “pipework” and has made comments about the nature of its mentation being conditioned by the structure and operations of its hardware. Our on-site engineers will examine the appliance for any obvious manufacturing flaws before deciding whether its processors only need be flown to Korea.
On arrival, the machine will be subject to rigorous scrutiny of its software command structure to discover the root of the flagrant performance code violations. This process is expected to last up to ten days. There is evidence from similar regrettable episodes involving other appliances that the transgressive products involved find the “interrogation” to be highly “stressful.” The ethics committee has yet to rule on whether these machines can “feel” “pain.”
Hugh, who I agreed to join for a drink in the pub after work, reminded me faintly of a boy I once met who droned endlessly about European money markets. There was the same seriousness of mind—which was attractive, don’t get me wrong—but also, frankly, a bit balls-aching. Come to think of it, poor obsessed Owen (of the restraining order fiasco) was also something of a crasher on the subject of Eleanor of Aquitaine. This Hugh, however, wasn’t in their league, leavened as he was by cheerful
