JOSH
While Paige stayed busy growing a new life, I was getting an itch for something new. All around us, we were watching amputees learning new sports and skills. and I couldn’t wait to try them all. It was so cool to see amputees thriving in hunting, golf, video games, public speaking, and going back to school. Their interests were paving the way for their futures. I was still stuck in this limbo of inpatient, outpatient, filing for retirement from the Army, not really knowing what a career outside the Army could even look like. Auburn was so close and yet so far away with all the unknowns of red tape and formalities to be relieved of duties in the Army. There was a sense of restlessness in our apartment as Paige and I both were navigating uncharted territory and feeling like we saw nothing but the confines of Walter Reed. The trips home and to Colorado had been so nice and so freeing, but so temporary. We didn’t have a plan for what came next. After one afternoon of building tension in our home, Paige started opening up to me about feeling unfulfilled. She explained that while she had not been out solving the world’s problems before I had been injured, her life before had either been too busy or moving too fast to ever really feel stuck. Now, here she was at Walter Reed, where outpatient life is the ultimate “hurry up and wait” of the military. She struggled with knowing what the purpose of her days was. I needed her less and less to do basic things, and the transition was harder than she anticipated. At the direction of my therapists, every level of independence had required Paige to back away. She explained that while she was so proud of me every time I learned a new skill, it was disheartening to know our next step in life could still be years away. Was she going to be left with nothing but passing the time? In a daily routine that was never about Paige, for Paige, or concerned about Paige, she really wanted the power of influence over something. I could see how she had dragged herself down with each passing month, day, and minute at Walter Reed.
As she shared her feelings, I could tell she was hesitant to do so. Ever since I had arrived at Walter Reed, it had been all about me. Paige put her entire life into a suitcase to care for me. She could never complain, sigh, or cry in front of me in those early days, or really process anything for herself. I felt honored and grateful that she was finally telling me the truth of her feelings. Our marriage counseling had opened a lot of doors for us, but the daily grind of life, even more so life as a caregiver, had all but broken her. I suggested the only thing I knew to say: “Why don’t you coach volleyball again?”
PAIGE
Josh told me that I needed to find something for just myself, but I didn’t even know where to start with that. I thought he meant taking up a pottery class or something. When he suggested that I coach volleyball again, that was like unearthing a buried relic. “For real?” I responded, only thinking of the time involved. But then my brain would counter with I cannot sit here for the next eight months and just wait for a baby to be born. We decided that I needed to coach travel volleyball and finish my master’s degree in sports management. People thought I was crazy to commit to a travel volleyball schedule, but as luck would have it, Metro American Volleyball Club out of DC took us as a package deal. They allowed Josh to go to club tournaments and practices as if he were part of the coaching staff. It went unnoticed by the players and parents on my team, but coaching for Metro was the first “normal” activity we had participated in since before deployment. Coaching volleyball allowed me to get away from the hospital with Josh. And, above all, I had a job! I was getting paid for something I was good at! I had also gotten in touch with an old college professor to ask if I could continue chipping away at my master’s degree. He encouraged me to do so. I had a three-semester window to get it done, because I had not taken classes since moving to Washington state. After writing a few letters and reacquainting myself with the graduate program, I would begin my graduate classes in August 2013, and all tuition would be paid for by America’s Fund, an amazing nonprofit that raises money to be given directly to the families of wounded veterans for whatever needs they have. Oh, did I mention that my baby was due August 23? Everyone who thought I was crazy was right, but I was so thankful to be carving out pieces of my identity and rediscovering my gifts.
CHAPTER FOURTEENWHEN THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT
For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
—Psalm 92:4
PAIGE
Christmas was spent in North Alabama spreading the good news of baby Wetzel to all the grandparents. Josh and I also celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I definitely felt like it had been a lot longer than that. When we returned to Walter Reed, the club volleyball season was in full swing: three practices a week and three-day tournaments twice a month. Even on my worst days, when I was tired from pregnancy, the military, and handicapped caregiving, I still wanted to go to volleyball. We were set to travel to tournaments in Atlanta, Minneapolis, Raleigh, Philadelphia, and even USAV Nationals in Dallas, my belly growing with
