CHAPTER FIFTEENSTEPPING INTO THE FUTURE
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
—Hebrews 11:1
PAIGE
I don’t know when exactly I had this revelation, but at some point in my life, I came to trust that God knows the outcome of every decision we make. For many years, I believed God knowing the outcome meant that He predestined us to make certain decisions, which made it hard for me to buy into free will. But, as I grew in my faith, I learned that it actually means God knows what we need before we know that we need it. I used to wonder why God wouldn’t just give me what I needed if He knew I needed it. I once had it explained to me this way: In the Bible, every great task or gift God gave someone was first preceded by prayer. Prayer is us catching up to God’s plan, not the other way around. It completes His design. We are designed to depend on Him because He longs for a relationship with us. If God always gave us what we needed before we needed it, we may never choose Him. He allows us the space, time, and sometimes the stupidity to try life our way.
By the time I took my postpartum depression to God, He already knew what the well-rested, hormonally balanced, depression-free Paige looked like. He set forth a plan to get me out of the woods before I realized I was lost. So, I prayed. I prayed He would just take the thoughts and feelings of psychosis away from me. And guess what? He didn’t right away. Because God is not a genie in a bottle. If He had made anything clear in my life it was that if Josh’s journey wasn’t easy, it was very possible mine wasn’t going to be either. I asked over and over, Why can’t it just be easy? Why can’t I just catch a break? While Jesus conquered death, He didn’t make it go away. That’s what I felt called to do over this postpartum depression: conquer it. I heard a great sermon one time where the pastor said that every time God gives us a gift, Satan could very well be making a plan to use it to steer us away from God.
Harper was undoubtedly the greatest gift I had ever received, but little by little, the fulfillment of being her parent was being taken from me. I felt like evil was reigning over my gift in three major ways: (1) I felt like I couldn’t concentrate on God because my mind was so clouded with these thoughts of hurting my child. I believed my horrific thoughts disqualified me as a follower of Christ because I didn’t believe a true follower could think such thoughts. (2) I felt too intimidated to communicate with people because I was certain that it wasn’t postpartum depression but something much worse. (3) I thought I would never, ever be worthy enough to be someone’s mother, especially Harper’s. Even though I was too afraid to do research of my own, I prayed and hoped that a balance in my hormones plus more sleep would liberate me from this prison.
If all of that came true, I still had one major problem: My mind can’t unsee something. The depression let something into the gates of my mind without my permission. If it came in unannounced and uninvited, how was I going to get it out? I borrowed strength from God and responded to those three emotions. First, I read God’s Word. I didn’t just read it; I got online and searched “verses about God’s promises,” “how to lean on God when you’re afraid,” and “when God tests those He loves.” I wrote down verses. I reread verses about Sarah and Abraham and King David. I declared God’s promises over my demons, because quite frankly, I was afraid of them and knew they were bigger than me. Second, I sought counseling. I wish I had enough courage to seek professional counseling, get an official diagnosis, or at least reach out to another mom, but I was engulfed in shame. I was so worried about being found out that I could not bring myself to do research on it for fear of Josh seeing it. If I had done that, I would have found out that millions of women had gone through it and that there were books and self-help websites out there. I did, however, start blogging about what the Bible was showing me, maybe for no other reason other than to witness to myself. I would post little five-minute entries on the Prayers for Josh Wetzel page, and tons of people responded saying it helped them. Little did they know how much help I needed, but it encouraged me to know that I was doing something positive amid all the negative. Third, I recognized that the devil really clouded my view of what I was doing. Looking back, I can see I had a lot on my plate and believed I was failing at all of it. I think the reality is that even though I could not control my thoughts, I never lost control over my actions. Harper was never in any danger. Not once. I didn’t have the capability to act on the things I thought about. But Satan kept me in belief that I was a danger to her. Like a lion being deceived by the confines of a cardboard box, I was convinced that I could not defeat this.
