Life was perplexing for the next several weeks. In so many ways I had everything I wanted, just like Paige’s video had listed—being a dad, getting a degree from my favorite school, working with athletics, working toward a handicap-accessible home, and now being a dad again! Paige had many prayers answered too, but conversations about making it work ended with us defending our separate priorities. Every conversation was like entering a courtroom, except we never reached a verdict. For the first time in our relationship, we brought opportunities of equal importance to the table. Gone were the days of my job telling both of us what to do. These things felt like a blessing from a distance, but somehow when we got everything we wanted, it felt like we were drowning. Soon, I found myself doing everything I could to numb and avoid. I came home and played with Harper by myself and then played video games until I was sure Paige was asleep, refusing to think about the sacrifices I might have to make after I had worked so hard.
CHAPTER SEVENTEENRELIEVING PRESSURE
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
—Psalm 25:16
PAIGE
Our fighting became more frequent. Every conversation regarding the baby was dripping with hostility. I either hated talking about planning for the baby because I truly didn’t want any more drama in my day, or I brought it up because I felt like winning a fight. We didn’t just make snippy comments and walk away; we screamed at each other, we cursed at each other, and we tried to emotionally hurt each other. I had finally had enough of both him and myself. Not because I was ready to lay my weapons down—I was certainly still selfish enough to keep trying to win fights every day—but I couldn’t risk the health of my growing baby.
The fighting and bad coping mechanisms opened the floor for divorce. I contacted a divorce attorney to get the particulars of how our situation would work out as far as assets, finances, and custody. I had threatened to break up with Josh before, but I knew deep down that I didn’t mean it. This time, I was numb to emotional consequences. I was too drained to even be mad. We had discussed splitting up in one of those conversations that ends in both people shrugging their shoulders and saying “fine” over and over. It might have seemed like another breath-holding contest, but my mind was considering everyday life as a single mom. It took a second conversation for Josh to understand that the more I thought about it, the more a plan was coming together. I told Josh we could get through the exciting stuff like graduation, moving into the new house, and so on. Then when the dust settled, we would just discreetly separate, and we could tell everyone together at Christmastime.
It wasn’t a dramatic monologue about leaving and never coming back; I actually wanted to do my part in making our divorce successful. I had no reason to take the kids away from Josh. He was a great father. I planned to stay in Auburn, because this was my town, where my career was taking place, too. When I laid out my vision, Josh finally told me he was scared because of how easily I could see all of this taking place. As cold and nonchalant as it sounds, I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Yeah, but at least we can have some peace in our lives.” As weeks passed, we slept in separate rooms, and I didn’t allow conversations about or gestures toward making things right. I didn’t need any more apologies or flowers delivered to my office. I needed him to agree to be a good roommate and to just worry about our children.
JOSH
My graduation date was finally here. I was going to walk across the stage at Auburn Arena in a cap and gown and a sash that said STUDENT VETERAN—a far cry from my life seven years ago. I went from being a kid on academic probation to being an adult finishing what I started. Auburn wanted to officially make me part of the family by offering me a paid position as the women’s tennis sports information director. I was so thankful at how far I had come, and when they announced “Joshua William Wetzel,” the entire arena stood and clapped for the guy with no legs.
Walking into my home every day had the power to take the joy out of anything exciting. It was like hiding a sickness—no matter how many obstacles I conquered, part of my life was still dying—a really important part that made the future look hopeless. I was terrified. I stared at the ceiling of the guest bedroom, bewildered at what my life had become. I agreed that I didn’t like the way our marriage was, but to hear the word divorce out loud shook me to my core. I have never been the kind of person who thinks about worst-case scenarios. I have been pretty successful in my life thinking on the positive side of things, but the idea of my two children being raised by another man was enough to ruin me. In my soul, I knew there was no one like Paige. There was no future relationship that could ever measure up to what we had survived together. The fact that the civilian life that we created was ruining our marriage was mind-boggling. I was truly exhausted from the fighting, but I just did not know how I was going to satisfy all her expectations. I was a helpless wreck.
PAIGE
As much as I began to picture our lives apart, I couldn’t deny how close we were about to be. We were about to be working in the same place in the same department. We would be in staff meetings together and
