Much to my surprise, this wasn’t a marriage group at all. It was a curriculum called “Freedom” that was for anyone. In fact, men went in one room and women in another, but we discussed the same things at the same time. It was going to be tough to slip away from a structure like this. Mingling half-heartedly with the group, I briefly thought that I might be coming off as rude. It’s not that I was against small groups—Paige and I had talked about joining one a million times—I just wish I had known more about it beforehand. As we were getting started, I decided I would at least be friendly and speak if I was called on.
When we got in the car after the first meeting, I already had a ton of things going through my head. We started at the very beginning of the Bible talking about the downfall of man with Adam and Eve. Of course, I knew this story: The serpent, Eve eats the fruit, Adam eats the fruit, they both realize they are naked and try to hide from God. But I guess I had never paid attention to how it all happened. Genesis 3:5: “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Surely I had read that before? I guess I had never really thought about the fact that Satan didn’t use evil to make someone stumble. He used their desire to be like God. From there we had a huge discussion about how much people sin just trying to out-God each other. We become competitive and discouraging and unaccepting. That made total sense to me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I had probably been on both sides of that. I wanted to know more. I wanted to dig into the workbook that I hadn’t even been sure I was going to buy when I had arrived two hours prior.
After sitting and listening for the first two weeks, I realized that there were other men that were going through the same thing I was. It was like we all knew there was more to give, better ways to show up for our families and workplaces, but we didn’t know where it would come from. We were much more alike than I thought. The group wasn’t amazing because our leaders preached great sermons; they just opened the door for us to discuss what we had read. When I shared my experiences, everyone around me nodded in agreement, understanding my feelings, my pain, my frustrations. I felt like I wasn’t alone. God had already brought us to Alaska, where this same thing happened, but I just thought, Those men were veterans, people who had seen combat. Of course they are the same kind of messed up as I am. I left Alaska feeling like I had gained some training in how to be in a marriage that was scarred with combat trauma, but at the same time it was easy to believe that Paige was my only friend in the civilian world. I didn’t think I could find that same feeling of connection with people who had never served their country. I was surprised by how many stories and testimonies I heard that truly wrecked me. Human hurt is human hurt, and not only did I learn about other types of pain, but I also learned how much pain my Savior went through to rescue me. With each story, whether it was my own or someone else’s, there was something in the Bible that confirmed things I always knew: that God’s promises and even His regulations were meant to give us life, not discourage us or put us in some kind of ranking system. Each week on the way home, I couldn’t wait to talk with Paige about her time in small group.
PAIGE
The stories I heard from other women helped me feel like what we were learning was practical and real. The ideas were easy to hold on to and, honestly, easier to validate as truth. I had never felt this way about God before. When we were at Walter Reed, it was like we were carrying out our faith on a grand stage. People needed to see how we were reacting to things because it helped their faith. I knew God was real. I had seen Him do miracles right in front of me! But who was He in everyday life with everyday things? And what did our past have to do with it? I was busy spinning my wheels, unsure if what I did mattered or if we as people were replaceable in these jobs we sacrificed so much for. For most of 2017 I had struggled with wondering what the point of all of it was. Now, we were exploring topics like surrender, forgiveness, the power of words, honor, and how to use God’s Word as declaration over our lives. The small group lessons brought on the same feeling I had in Alaska when everyone raised their hands to the ugly questions. For the first time Josh and I wanted to know who God is, not just what He does. Knowing who God is
