‘Pillock was just what I was thinking! Hans, put him down, he’s squashing my Chelsea buns!’ Rebecca strode into the room, bags weighing her down, her nose pink from the cold. Looking around her, she plastered on a smile and addressed the room. ‘Anyone need anything?’ It was as friendly as you like, to match her angelic-looking face, but it had an edge to it. She basically gave the whole room a ‘stop it now, or your baby photos are going on social media’ look, as though she was an overworked mother addressing her unruly children. The café-goers all shook their heads politely, the murmur of chatter starting up again. One man raised his hand, but his wife slapped it down and shushed him. The two women nodded at each other appreciatively, and the spell was broken.
Forgotten now, Luke managed to prise Hans’s meaty hooks from around his middle and push him off. Well, push was a strong word. He’d need a strong wind to make a dent. He barely moved him. Squeezing himself out from the gap, he tried to make a run for it, but Hans tripped him up as he moved to give him room, and before he knew it, he was on the floor. After screeching like a parrot and flailing his arms and legs around like a wonky windmill.
‘Hans!’ Rebecca was round the counter in a moment, glaring at any customers who’d dared to laugh. Luke could see her from his position on the floor. He’d twirled like a top before landing on his back. ‘What did you do that for!’
‘I didn’t mean to!’ he protested, bellowing like Brian Blessed. A toddler sitting at one of the tables nearby tried in vain to cover her ears, but her snow suit was so thick she just ended up waggling her hands ineffectually before bursting into tears. Hans groaned.
‘Oh no, not again. How the hell am I going to be a dad? Sorry Luke.’ Hans’s face looked wretched, and Luke tried to think of something to say to help his friend. He didn’t know much about kids though, apart from being one once upon a time. If he’d been a toddler and had seen Hans, he’d have probably filled his nappy too. The man was big, but that wasn’t all he was.
‘Hans,’ Rebecca jumped in, dropping her bags by her feet and coming to kneel by Luke. ‘You are going to be an amazing dad. Your baby will have the best protective parent ever, and that little one is going to love the bones off you. The kid will have its own bodyguard, teacher, and portable climbing frame. Now suck it up, go apologise to the parents, and give them some free cake. Get some practice in. Bribery is basically 85 per cent of parenting anyway from what I hear.’ Hans nodded, smiling now and he headed off to the cake counter. Luke tried to get up, but Rebecca placed her hand on his chest.
‘Don’t move, just for a minute.’ He felt weird, down here with her, on their own. He could hear Hans talking to the parents, laughing with them. Cake solved many problems, it seemed. He could hear the café sounds around him, but it all sounded muffled. Distant.
‘You had a good day?’
A lame question to ask when you were on the floor after being felled by Chewbacca. Rebecca looked down at him and all over his face, and then she started to run her hands through his hair. ‘Not bad. Don’t talk.’ He had to stifle a groan, it felt so nice. He did nothing but stare up at her, and she was looking right at him the whole time. She leaned closer, moving her hands to the back of his head now, his neck. The perfume he knew so well now filling his already jangled senses. Is she going to … to … she is, she’s going to kiss me!
‘Oww!’ She poked a sore spot on the back of his head, where his head had clunked to the floor. ‘That hurt!’
‘Sorry,’ Rebecca muttered, still prodding around his scalp and making him follow her finger. ‘You’re fine.’ She didn’t look sorry at all. In fact, he was pretty sure he saw a smirk. Either that or the tears in his eyes were blurring his vision. He was pretty embarrassed, even in their little bubble. She went to pull him up, but when her hand touched his he closed his fingers around hers.
‘Thanks. I can get up.’ He heaved himself up on the counter with his free hand, and when he stood up, the whole café clapped, and Hans whisper whooped along with them with one fatherly eye on the startled toddler, who was looking at him as if Hagrid had popped in for an americano, and she was the only one to see it. ‘Ah … yes. Thank you, my dear fans. I did enjoy my trip!’ He went with it, bowing, and then his hand was being pulled up the stairs, and the clapping began again behind the closed door.
At the top, Rebecca took him into the lounge and deposited him on the sofa.
‘Wait one minute.’
She headed back down the stairs, leaving him sitting back on the sofa like a lemon. He heard her tell Hans off again at the bottom of the stairs, the unmistakable wallop of a plastic bag hitting a Swedish pillock. Luke chuckled, and waited for his lodge mate to come back up.
*
Laden down
