He groans and he runs those big hands through his hair again while he struggles to find the right words. But it’s too late. What could he possibly say now? Any illusion I had that he might feel the same way, today or someday in the future, is now gone. Dating a guy who isn’t ready for a serious commitment is one thing, but once you tell them you love them (even by accident), there’s no going back and pretending it’s just a casual fling.
“This isn’t going to work.”
“Don’t say that. Forget everything I said in the past five minutes. Start over. Ask me to be your boyfriend.” He closes the distance between us and frames my face with his hands. “Ask me, Genevieve,” he pleads.
He makes a strangled sound deep in his throat as I pull away and finish getting dressed, tossing the T-shirt of his I was wearing on the bed, yanking on my own clothes, and slipping into my shoes. I think he might say something else to try to stop me, but he doesn’t. He just watches me prepare to leave, looking helpless. Before I go, I have to say it at least once—out loud and to him, if only for myself.
“I love you, Heath.” He flinches. “I’m sorry if that’s too much for you to deal with, but I do, and I don’t want to just forget it.”
36
Heath
“I haven’t been this hungover in years.” Mav drops on the couch and chugs half the Gatorade bottle in his hand with one long drink. “Getting drunk after being sick and hardly eating all week, I’ve basically got the tolerance of a high school chick.”
I’m silent and he nudges my foot on the coffee table. “What’s up with you? You’ve been quiet all morning.”
“I’m fine.”
“Girl fine or really fine?”
“I said I was fine.”
His brows lift and he smiles, but he drops it. He finishes off his drink and stands. “Ready to go to campus? I’m starving.”
“Let’s go out for breakfast today instead of the dining hall.”
“Yeah, that sounds rad. I want pancakes. Text Ginny and we can swing by and pick her up.”
“She doesn’t want to come.”
“What? Of course she does. I’ll text her.”
“No, don’t. We’re not… she’s…” Jesus, I can’t even finish a sentence that puts an end to whatever we were.
Maverick stops and the hand holding his phone falls to his side. “What the fuck did you do, Payne?”
I’d like to resent his automatic assumption that I’m at fault, but of course I am. I let out a giant sigh. “I’ll tell you over pancakes.”
He doesn’t press me to talk until we’ve both got a heaping stack of pancakes on our plates. Only then does he ask what happened. I fill him in on last night, unable to eat more than a bite or two.
“That’s cold.”
“What was I supposed to say?”
“I’m not sure.” He shrugs and takes a large bite of his food. He looks thoughtful as he chews and then swallows. “You really think love is bullshit?”
“Don’t you?” If anyone would understand, I figured it’d be Maverick. His childhood was as fucked up as mine, just in a totally different way.
“No, man. Love is beautiful.”
“How the fuck would you know?” Damn, I need a muzzle lately. “Sorry, that came out wrong, but you know what I mean. Who’s ever said it to you and not screwed you over?”
“Well, you’ve never said it, but you love me and you’ve never screwed me over.”
“That’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Not unless you’re over there thinking about me naked.”
His lips part and pull into a smile. “Relax, you’re not nearly kinky enough for me.”
“But seriously, man. You think there’s someone out there that’s capable of speaking the words to you and really meaning it? No strings, no ulterior motives, two people who care deeply and want to support one another?”
“Isn’t that basically what you and Ginny had before you blew it up?” He sets an elbow on the table and waves his fork around. “I’m not much for trying to live up to other people’s expectations. I know what it means to me and yeah.” He shrugs. “At least I hope so. Otherwise, it’s going to be me and you heading to the Early Bird special together. The only question you need to ask yourself is, do you believe Ginny means it?”
“Yeah, I think she does. She’s never given me any reason to doubt her.” I toss my napkin on the table. “I’m not hungry.”
He takes my plate and I watch as he inhales my food and then sits back with a contented sigh.
“I don’t know what to do. I want to be with her, but I can’t tell her I… you know, when the words make me want to throw myself off a cliff.”
“But you do?”
“If I didn’t hate the word and everything in my past associated with it? Yeah, that’s probably how I’d define it.”
“Big gesture. Huge. I’m talking Kanye-antics.”
“I think I’ll just try to talk to her first.”
“Talking got you into this mess,” he points out.
When we get to campus, Maverick starts toward class. I’m going by the dorm first to see if I can find Ginny. Something tells me she didn’t show up at the dining hall this morning either.
“Good luck, buddy. Try not to use the word like.”
I flip him off. He turns and I call after him. “Hey, Mav.”
My buddy glances over his shoulder.
“You can always count me in for the Early Bird special. No matter what.”
I move at a clip across campus and jog up the stairs to the second floor.
I knock on the door and wait. No answer. Knock again.
“Ginny? Are you there? It’s Heath. Open up if you’re there. Please.” It’s quiet on the other side and I rest my head against the door. “I’m so sorry.”
A few people pass by in the hall and give me weird
