“And now you’re not so sure. I thought you and Sandoval wanted to go live on a farm and make babies.”
I didn’t miss the mockery in the words, and I wondered if she would have had the same thoughts back when she was raising her own kids. Maybe a long life would make a cynic of all of us, in the end. Those who got the chance at one.
“And I still do want that.” I raised my hands in surrender. “All right, I give up. Give me the fucking Tahni, Top, they’re easier to understand. Was there anything else?”
“The new Second Platoon is doing well in the simulators. Gunnery Sgt. Nichols seems competent and if her squad leaders are a little on the green side, they at least follow orders well enough. What do you think of Lt. Sarrat?”
“She’s right out of OCS,” I mused, “and was a corporal before that, so I won’t be expecting too much when the real guns start shooting, but she’s done okay in training.” I shrugged. “What training we’ve had time for, anyway. And she managed to keep her Marines from shooting each other on that one patrol she pulled before we left Point Barber, so that’s a plus. She’s a bit by-the-numbers, but I think we can work with her. Maybe keep her paired with Cano’s platoon when we’re on the ground.”
“Sanderson seems to be doing well with First Platoon. At least he’d seen combat before Point Barber.”
“Honestly, I’m more worried about Third. I’m starting to think there’s a reason Lt. Verlander lost his platoon in Deltaville and it wasn’t just bad luck.”
Top chuckled, eyeing me sidelong.
“You sure that isn’t just the old Third Platoon leader being jealous of the man taking over his old outfit?”
I scowled at her accusation.
“Is it jealousy that made him run Third squad into an ambush in that last simulator run?” I countered. “Because to me, it looked a lot like an Academy ring-knocker who doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.”
“You’ve got Gunny Morrel riding herd on him,” she said with a shrug, sounding more philosophical about it than I was feeling. “I’ll talk to Bang-Bang and make sure he knows he’s going to have to keep a close watch. That’s assuming he doesn’t already know. You sound worried. What happened to Mr. The-war-is-over-I-have-to-start-planning?”
“Shit, Top, the war is over. The Tahni aren’t going to give up as long as their Emperor is still alive, but there’s no way they can win this and they know it. We know it. But that doesn’t mean a lot of people aren’t going to get themselves killed proving it.”
I stared at the screen of the tablet, trying to organize my thoughts, trying to decide if I wanted to record this at all. I sucked in a breath and hit the button to start the video.
“Dak,” I said, “I don’t know when this is going to send. I’m on a troop ship heading for the Tahni home system. We won’t be setting up any Instell ComSats until after we’ve secured the system and God only knows how long that’ll take. But I didn’t answer your last message and I wanted to do it now, just in case.”
I didn’t say in case of what. He knew, and despite what I’d told Top, I did sort of believe in luck.
“Congratulations on getting married. I’m glad you found someone. I’ve been thinking lately how hard it is to be happy, and how much harder it must be the longer you live. I’ve been ready to die since I was a little kid, but now that I’m ready to live, it’s starting to scare me, and I’m getting worried I’m going to let it scare me away from being happy. I wonder if I’m scared of being happy with Vicky and I’m letting that make me want to stay in the Marines after the war. Or maybe I’m just scared of having to deal with the memories of what’s happened to me without the framework and structure of the military. That might be it.” I rubbed at my eyes. I was feeling tired now, and I had to get up in four hours. “There’s a guy in my platoon who’s already having that problem. He’s a hard-charger when we’re in battle, but he’s falling apart the rest of the time. I think I’m afraid that’s going to be me, that I’m going to drown myself in a bottle to stop the memories. I’m afraid I’m going to let Vicky down…that I’m going to let you and Maria down, too. You believed in me, not as a Marine, as a man. And I’m not nearly as worried about fucking up as a Marine as I am fucking up as a husband, or a father.”
I smiled, tugging the corners of my mouth up against a ton of exhaustion and emotional inertia.
“I think I know what you’d say to that. You’d tell me I’m doing the same thing I always did, putting up a wall because I’m afraid of what’s on the other side. That I just gotta go ahead and face the thing I’m afraid of. That’s what….” I trailed off, my throat closing up as a memory stuck there. “That’s what my mother would say, when I came to her at night, afraid to go to sleep in my room because it was dark. She’d take me into my room and show me every corner of it with the lights on, and she’d tell me there was nothing there with the lights off that wasn’t there when they were on. She’d tell me what I was really afraid of was just the not knowing, and the only cure for not knowing was believing.”
I laughed softly, shaking my head.
“It’s funny, I talk to other guys and they can’t remember shit from when they were that little. Little things here and there, a birthday or a trip to a park. But I remember
