“How do you feel about that?”
“I feel surprisingly good with it. I gave up hoping she’d miss me years ago. I don’t have any regrets. It was time.”
“She’ll blame me, of course,” Kaylee said.
“She can’t really blame anyone but herself,” he said. “But I take equal responsibility. I didn’t try that hard. Not only did I let her run away, I realize that I ran away, too.”
“Even though you don’t seem to be upset, I’m sorry this happened to you. I remember being very angry and torn up by my divorce. Slightly different circumstances, maybe, but it was no day at the beach.”
“The big question is, what about us?” he asked. “What do you want to happen with us?”
“I want us to stay in love forever,” she said. “It’s just that I don’t know what to do with our reality. My home is in Newport and I love it there. Plus, it’s my mother’s house and I wouldn’t even consider giving it up. And while my work is pretty transportable, yours is not.”
“So, the question is, can two people who love each other maintain a close relationship when they have separate lives? Separate homes?”
“You already tried that once, Landry.”
“No, I don’t think I did. Trying would have had us a lot more balanced—winters in the south, summers in the north? Every other month? Three or four days here, three or four days there? I think there are many options. As long as we both have the same goal. But first, the priority is getting through Christmas.”
“I’m sorry, but I just want Christmas behind me.”
“Don’t apologize, Kaylee. I understand. I do have one suggestion. Why don’t you try writing about it? Write the Christmas that would make you feel better.”
“That would involve impossible and magical things,” she said.
“Don’t rule it out,” he suggested. “Write it in.”
Kaylee wasn’t at all surprised that her thoughts were constantly tuned in to the loss of her mother and often to Mallory as well. She kept wondering how she was getting along. She’d heard from Mel that Mallory’s mother had passed away and while arrangements were being made, she was with the next-door neighbors—the family of her friend—who had taken her in. Mel hoped that would work out for another couple of weeks, at least through Christmas. But if there was a problem with that, Mel was going to find room for her with their family.
In the dark of night when she couldn’t sleep, lying in Landry’s strong, comforting arms, there were times Kaylee couldn’t hold back her tears. She tried to keep her crying silent, but he always knew and would pull her close and whisper soothing words. “It’s going to be all right.” She often thought that if she could have just five minutes with her mother, she could live on happily. She was astonished by how desperately she still missed her.
Then one night she was startled to wake up on the front porch. She was sitting on the porch swing and saw that someone had put a small Christmas tree in the corner of the porch. It had twinkling lights and silver ornaments. And there, leaning a hip on the porch rail, was Meredith. She wore her royal-blue robe, the one with the stiff, arched collar. It was such a beautiful robe, Kaylee had kept it.
“Mama,” she said in a breath. “Oh, Mama!” Even though she wanted to run to her and embrace her, she couldn’t seem to move.
“My darling girl,” Meredith said.
“You’re here!”
“Not entirely, but I did tell you I’d never be far away. I think we should talk.”
“Yes!” Kaylee said. “We should talk! Did you bring the tree?”
“It’s Christmastime,” she said. “You don’t have to bake a plum pudding or roast a goose, but the whole world is honoring Christmas. You remember what the spirit of Christmas does, don’t you, Kaylee? The least you can do is put out an ornament or two. It’s all right if it brings a little emotion to your day, but try to remember, it’s not all about you. And if you can’t bring yourself to celebrate Christmas, consider letting Christmas celebrate you. Think about the people you know who deserve some happiness. Have you done anything special for your boyfriend? He seems so loving and sweet.”
“He is,” she said. “Am I dreaming you?”
Meredith shrugged. “Are you cold?”
Kaylee looked around. There was snow on the porch and her feet were bare yet she was not at all cold. “Even if you’re only a dream, I’ll take it...”
“You’ve dreamed of me many times and usually it makes you happy. I know you feel cheated, Kaylee; I know you feel that you’re the only one who feels loss and sadness. And I know that you know that’s not true. I’m not suggesting you ignore your grief—grief is personal and runs on its own calendar. But remember. There are lots of people feeling lost and alone. It’s time for you to take stock of what you have, not of what you may have lost.”
“I can’t help it. I miss you so much.”
“I’m here. We may not get to talk too often, but you know where to find me. You know where I will live until we have each other again. Remember the spirit heals. Remember that the spirit of Christmas is about giving. Turn your heart to the needs of others—it will help you get through the days that seem too long and the nights that feel too lonely. You know what to do because you’ve done it before. And remember that I’m very proud of you. Of your strength and your resilience. I so love your abundant joy. If you need
