Nonetheless, she took my hand and I helped her up out of her chair. She had much angry energy to burn off this morning, it seemed, and I had promised her a walk in the gardens. There was a chance, at least, that it might help.
We left Ronan and Gallix to finish their meals and made our way out to the courtyard just off the great hall. Despite the desert terrain of most of Nightmoor, the palace’s gardens were wild, perpetually deep green and in full bloom.
“There is an underground spring of water here just beyond the palace’s walls,” I explained as Atlanta paused to smooth the petals of a vibrant yellow flower between her fingers. “Before the palace was built here, this was an oasis.”
“We had gardens like this back home, too,” Atlanta said softly. Her fingers wrapped around the base of the flower, as if she wished to pluck it. I could imagine how lovely it would look in her hair—that bright, cheerful yellow only intensifying the unnatural pink of her waves. “I mean, not exactly like this. It was mostly rose bushes and hedge mazes, but still. Kind of similar, at least.”
“Take it,” I suggested, nodding to the flower. “It suits you.”
But Atlanta only shook her head and let her fingers fall away.
“Never seemed right to me, going around picking the most beautiful flowers just to flaunt them around for a little while and throw them away when they’ve started to wilt. It’d be a waste.”
“Would it? The flower will wilt and die eventually no matter what.” I moved my fingers to the base of the flower’s bud and paused, waiting for her to agree. “You might as well enjoy what little things you can while you’re able to have them.”
“I guess that’s what’s different between you and me. You take whatever you want, whether you have a right to it or not.” Atlanta took my wrist in her hand and moved my fingers away from the flower. Her eyes met mine. Her green irises were still burning intensely. “I don’t need to take things that aren’t mine just to be happy, though. If you want to spend your time around someone like that, I’m sure Lieja’s offer to fuck you still stands.”
I could not help it. I let out a soft, surprised laugh.
Atlanta scowled up at me. “What’s so funny?”
“How badly you’ve misunderstood my situation, predominantly,” I said. “Even if I had wanted to bed Lieja—which I can assure you, I do not—”
“What? Not your type?”
“No. Not at all.” I shifted my hand so I could clasp her wrist as she held mine. “But even if she was. I am sworn for life to Lady Idria, and she would not permit such a thing.”
“She doesn’t let you have sex?” Atlanta’s eyes grew wide as her scowl subsided. “Well, I guess I know what that feels like. I wasn’t allowed to have relationships on Earth either.”
“It is not quite like that.” Our hands fell away from each other as we began to move down the garden path. “I have had my fair share of dalliances. Many at Idria’s command.”
“So she controls who you have sex with.”
“You could say that. Occasionally, political alliances must be secured in, ah…carnal ways. Other times, information must be gathered. I lost my virginity to a Lunarian countess who Lady Idria feared was interested in marrying Idria’s brother, for example. Some females will only part their lips once other lips have been parted, so to speak.”
Atlanta snorted. “Did you get what you wanted from her?”
“In a way.” I shrugged as though it was nothing, though the memory of that night and the following morning still unsettled me in my weaker moments. Of which, thankfully, there were fewer with every passing year. “I confirmed that her family was angling for the marriage. If they had been successful, the countess would have done quite well for herself, given that Idria’s brother is now Lunaria’s king.”
“But you tattled to Idria and stopped the countess from getting what she wanted,” Atlanta guessed.
“Yes.”
“What happened to her after? The countess, I mean.”
“She was charged with plotting treason and her head was placed on a spike outside the royal palace the next morning,” I said simply. “Not that she was guilty of it—but Lady Idria has ways of ensuring that those who cross her pay dearly for it. With their lives, more often than not.”
“That’s terrible.” Atlanta’s steps grew a little stiffer. Her eyes were focused on the ground. “But I guess you were probably pretty proud of yourself for being such a loyal servant.”
“I was forced to watch the beheading at Idria’s side and had to excuse myself to vomit immediately after. I was only seventeen at the time.”
“Oh.” Atlanta stopped in her tracks and looked up at me then with a strange sympathy. It was a look that I had not seen often in my life. “I’m…sorry, Apex. That’s awful.”
“That is life, Atlanta.” I did not stop with her. To pause just then would have been a mistake. Moving forward—always forward—was the only way to keep my demons from catching up to me. I had learned it the day that Countess Rovan’s head had rolled across the execution yard, her eyes still frantically searching out for mine in the crowd, and I had relearned it a hundred times since. “I will never have a wife, nor a mate. My body is at Idria’s disposal. Completely. I fuck who she tells me to fuck. I kill who she tells me to kill.”
“Did she tell you to kiss me last night, then? Was that her order, too?”
I had to turn then to face her. Atlanta was frozen on the path behind me, her fingers curled into fists at her sides. There was hurt in her eyes, and the small part of me that may have still been my own felt bad for placing it there.
“No,” I said quietly as I walked back to collect
