‘I don’t know, Mark,’ I replied, sadness crushing me. ‘Maybe, you did.’
And no, I never saw Doug Cook again.
7 Stop – The Spice Girls
‘You’re going to do what?’ Kate bellows, clutching her sides and stomach like she is afraid that the shock will force the immediate birth of the baby. I can’t decide if she is yelling out of outrage or excitement. Outrage wins.
In the restaurant, all conversation ceases as a hundred diners strain their ears to hear what is causing the commotion. Judging by the incredulous faces of my dinner companions the audience probably thinks I’ve just confessed to some kind of heinous crime or sexual deviance.
‘I’m going to find my ex-boyfriends. Track them down. Hunt them out. I’m going to see if I made a mistake in letting them go.’ I’m grinning, but, strangely enough, nobody else is. ‘You know what I was like back then – I was a relationship disaster and bailed on every one of them.’
I notice no one contradicts me, but neither do they point out the reality that I’m still a relationship disaster, so, on balance, I take the win.
Jess comes to my rescue. ‘Okay, I’m quite sure you’ve thought long and hard about this—’
I interrupt her. ‘I just thought of it today.’
She persists, ever hopeful. ‘And that you’ve got the finances to carry it off.’
‘I don’t have a bean. It’s all going on my credit cards.’
Jess winces. Her rescue attempt is running aground. ‘At least tell us you’ve got a plan.’
I pause, carefully considering what I’m about to say. I know that one wrong word and they’ll have me chained to the table leg until they can talk sense into me.
I take a deep breath. ‘Look, I know it’s crazy. I know I’ll probably fall flat on my face, but I have to try. I feel like this is a watershed year. We’re careering towards a new century and I want my life to be as happy as it can be. I’m a grown woman and for the last year my sex life has been battery operated, for God’s sake.’ There are a few splutters from nearby tables. I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud. Still, I persist, ‘A voice inside me just tells me that this is the right thing to do.’
Kate sighs. ‘I’ve warned you before about those voices. You’re far too old to have an invisible friend.’
They’re warming. The edges of their lips are beginning to quiver. In a minute, Jess might even smile.
I press on. ‘I haven’t met anyone I felt strongly about for a long time and maybe that’s because no one matches up to the guys I’ve been in love with. I just need to be sure that I haven’t made a huge mistake by chucking away someone who would have made me really happy if I’d had the sense and maturity to see it.’
‘But every one of them ended badly,’ Carol points out. That’s Carol. She only comes out with a dose of reality once in a blue moon and it’s always when you least expect or need it.
‘I know they did, but it was always my fault. Every one of them bit the dust for the sole reason that I bailed or self-destructed the minute I had doubts. In their own different ways, they were all great guys. Maybe I just gave up too soon. And I want to find out if that’s the case.’
Kate regains her composure and asks again for the plan.
‘I’m going to start from the beginning and trace them in order of meeting them. Don’t know why, it just seems logical.’
Carol goes for pragmatic sarcasm. ‘Oh, yes, we’ve got to keep this logical.’
I roll my eyes in mock affront.
Jess intervenes. ‘But how are you going to find them? You haven’t seen some of them for years.’
Carol jumps back in. ‘Clive says one day we’ll be able to find absolutely anyone and anything just by searching on the internet. One of the companies he invests in is working on it already. I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s a mad idea and he’s wasting his money.’
I brush past her technology update by explaining that I’m going to go to the last place I saw them and take it from there. Not an exact science, but it’s all I’ve got. Actually, going back to where I met them is part of the adventure. I can’t wait to travel again.
‘Jesus,’ Kate groans, ‘Cooper, this is real life, not an episode of Cagney & Lacey.’
I thought she was coming round to the idea. Obviously not.
‘What’s the alternative, Kate? Stay here and stay miserable? Okay, talk the pros and cons through with me then. Let’s start with the cons.’
Kate starts. ‘Con Number One. You’re giving up your career.’
‘I bloody hate my job, Kate. When I was a kid, I never dreamt of growing up and riding off to sell toilet rolls. What am I going to say when I get to heaven? “Hello God, what can I get you? Padded, quilted, one-ply, two-ply, white or pink?”’
‘Point taken, but you’re successful, Cooper. You’ve climbed up the ladder and now you’re going to slide back down it and land at the bottom.’
‘Well, at least I’ll bounce,’ I say petulantly. ‘Have you seen the size of my arse lately?’
The smiles turn to chuckles and I hope that’s a sign that I’m beginning to win them over.
It’s Carol’s turn. ‘Con number two. They’re probably all married with kids by now. You could have some extremely irate wives on your hands here.’
‘If they’re married, I’ll back off straight away. I’m not doing this to upset anyone, Carol.
