“You understand now, right? You know he’s dead.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Do you still see him?”
“No. I haven’t seen him since…since the night you left.” Nate pauses for a moment. “He could come back.”
“Do you think he will?”
“How am I supposed to know?”
“I don’t know. I can’t get inside your head, Nate. How does it feel when you think about it?”
“Terrifying.”
“Terrifying that you will see him again or that you won’t?”
There is another long pause before he answers.
“Both.”
“I think that might give you your answer.” I stare at the phone, wishing I could see Nate’s expression. “He didn’t just praise your actions. He also gave you a lot of bad advice.”
“I know,” Nate mutters.
“He told you not to trust me.”
“He did.”
“But it wasn’t him, was it? It was you telling yourself not to trust me. You told yourself to interrogate me. You hurt me, Nate—mentally and physically.”
“I know I did,” he whispers. “I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself for that, but I hope you can.”
“I’m just trying to understand right now.” I know what he wants me to say, but I’m not there—not yet. “Talking about it helps.”
“I’m so glad you’re willing to talk to me again,” Nate says softly. “I’ve wanted to tell you all of this for so long. I know I kept texting you, and I’m sorry for that, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to tell you. I kept talking to Nora, but every time she said something, I kept wondering what you would have said instead.”
“She’s very supportive of you,” I reply.
“She is. It isn’t always what I need.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I can’t always trust those around me to give me the truth. Sometimes they just tell me what they think I want to hear.”
“That doesn’t sound like Nora.”
“She’s better than the others, but she’s also very good at avoidance. When we disagree, she just throws something at me and walks out.”
“That’s not so helpful.”
“No, it isn’t, but it’s how we’ve always been. It’s difficult trying to…to change myself when everyone around me remains the same.” Nate sighs. “I wanted to tell you because I think you’ll be straight with me but also do it in a…a nice way. Does that make sense?”
“We’re back to my kindness curse.”
“Full circle,” Nate says with a chuckle. “I remember when you told me about that. It’s not a behavior I had thought about before you, but once you brought it up, I realized it happens all the time.”
“I’m sure it does.” I lick my lips and pace the living room. “How is your family?”
We spend a few minutes just chatting, and I finally start to relax a little with the surprisingly easy conversation. The whole reason for my call is temporarily forgotten as I begin to regret not being there to meet Antony’s daughter when she visited or to see the new sports car Twos bought.
Eventually, we seem to run out of general updates and small talk, and an awkward silence looms between us before Nate finally speaks.
“I miss you so fucking much.”
“I miss you too.” Tears start to roll down my cheeks.
“Can I come and see you, Cherry? I feel like this conversation would be so much better in person.”
“I…I don’t know.” I bite my lip—hard. I want him to come. It would certainly be better to tell him about the baby face-to-face rather than on the phone, but really, I just desperately want to see him. I’m also terrified by the very idea.
“It could be a quick visit, just a day or two… Fuck! I’m pressuring you. I didn’t want to pressure you, but I want to see you so bad. I’m sorry. I’m trying.”
“It’s okay,” I say automatically.
“There you go again.”
“Yeah, I know.” I sigh and wipe my checks with the back of my hand. “I’ve been in a fog since I got back here, and I think you have probably done a much better job of dealing with what happened than what I’ve been doing.”
“Are you…are you all right, Cherry? I should have asked that in the very beginning. I mean, I’m sure it’s been hard, but…”
“No, Nate. I’m not all right.” I break down in choking sobs.
“Oh, Cherry, baby…”
“I’m sorry!”
“Don’t be sorry,” he says softly. “I wish I was there to hug you. Is there anyone there you can talk to?”
“Not really. Not about this.”
“Can I come see you?” he whispers. “Please, Cherry. Please let me be there for you.”
And there it is, the question I’ve been dreading, the question I’ve been yearning for too. What do I tell him? Has he suffered enough? Now that I know about his father, does he deserve to suffer at all? Do I need to prolong this agony, either his or mine? Do I love him enough to hear him out?
“Yes.”
“Oh, thank you God.” Nate let’s out a shuddering breath. “I’ll get Reid’s buddy to fly me. Is there an airport nearby?”
“Well, yes, a small one. You’re going to fly?”
“I couldn’t possibly wait as long as it would take to drive there. In a plane, I can be there by early afternoon. Can you pick me up?”
“Yes.” I can’t believe this is happening. “I can be there.”
I quickly look up the airport information and relay it to him.
“I’ll text you with an ETA as soon as we’re ready for takeoff.”
*****
I sit in the car as the temperature starts to drop, heart pounding and palms sweating despite the cold. A small plane has just landed at the county airport, and I can only assume it’s Nate’s. It travels down the small runway and stops. A man I don’t recognize jumps
