“Cut that shit out,” I growl. “I haven’t even…”
Shit! I should have kept my mouth shut.
“You haven’t fucked her yet?”
I look away from her. I stare at the picture of Pops on the wall. I stare into my bourbon glass, which is now half empty. I stare at the floor, the wall, the door—maybe I should make a run for it.
“You haven’t!” Nora gasps.
“What difference does that make?” I mutter, but it’s too late.
“Since when do you wait?”
I only shrug in response. I don’t wait. I’ve never waited.
“Is she a virgin?”
“What? No.” I think about it for a moment. “Hell, I…I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Nora stares at me now, mouth agape.
“I don’t think so. I mean, she came on kinda strong for a virgin.”
“Oh, this just keeps getting better!” Nora laughs unpleasantly. “So, let’s back up a bit. She came on to you, and you said no?”
Apparently, answering is superfluous.
“That is absolutely priceless!” Nora laughs and shakes her head at me. “Now I have to decide if you actually thought all this through, assuming holding off would make her want you more or if there’s some other reason you aren’t telling me.”
“Nora, will you just shut up a minute?”
“Fine.”
I lick my lips, swallow hard to try to get rid of that lump, and shuffle over to sit on the couch again. Nora turns toward me, expectant, but I haven’t really figured out what I want to say. She’s making me question my motives, and I had assumed they were pretty clear. Now I’m not so sure.
Back to the basics, then.
“Cherry is the perfect answer. She’s smart, she’s kind, and she doesn’t give a shit about the money and the power. Actually, if anything, all of that is a turnoff for her, but she’s moved past it already. She doesn’t care about it one way or the other. Who else in this town could possibly say that with a straight face? She actually likes me for me.”
“Wow. All right, this is taking an unexpected turn.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You actually like her.”
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t decide to move forward if I couldn’t stand to be in a room with her.”
“Oh, no,” Nora says, “you don’t get off that easy. You actually like her. Like, falling for her and everything.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I feel my face warm slightly.
“Are you blushing?” Hideous laughter erupts from my dear sister. She can’t contain herself and has to quickly excuse herself to the bathroom.
When she returns, I’ve poured us both fresh glasses of bourbon even though I’m starting to feel rather tipsy.
“Now I have to rethink all of this.” Nora reclaims her place on the couch, turns to face me, and leans forward. She places her hands on my thigh and leans close enough that I can feel her breath on my face. “Look into my eyes so I know what you’re thinking!”
“For fuck’s sake, Nora.” I roll my eyes, but she grabs my chin and turns me toward her. I scowl and grit my teeth.
“All of this started as a plot, yes?”
“Yes.”
“But it’s not anymore, is it?”
I swallow hard.
“Ho-ly shit!” Nora shakes her head, a wide smile on her face. “Is that why you didn’t sleep with her?”
“There was only one time we came close,” I admit. “It was our first date, and I didn’t want to move too fast. I didn’t want to ruin it.”
“But you’ve had other opportunities since then, right?”
“I’ve tried to avoid going into her apartment with her. Tonight, if she had stayed over…I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You really don’t want to fuck it up. You want this to actually work, like for real, not just because it’s your duty.” My far too intuitive sister, who knows me far too well, looks far too smug for her own good.
All my doubts and insecurities creep in, and I realize I have no idea what I’m doing. Even as I plot and scheme and lie, the guilt has been threatening to overwhelm me, but I’ve managed to ignore it. I’ve managed to deny it. Now my sister is calling me out on it, and I’m simply not prepared.
I’m not supposed to be feeling this way.
“I was trying to figure out what to say to her when I dropped her off,” I say quietly. “I knew I needed to make it good. I needed the night to end on a high note. I wasn’t sure, but I thought she’d be drawn to our large family, and I was right. She’s been deprived of that kind of relationship her whole life, and she craves it. I knew it was a perfect time to seal the deal, but I wasn’t sure what I should say to her.”
“And what did you say?” Nora asks when I don’t continue.
“I…I didn’t work it out in my head before I said it. The words just…just came out on their own. I didn’t think. I just…”
“Spoke from the heart?” Nora’s voice has lost all of its harshness, sarcasm, and contempt.
“I thought I knew what I was doing,” I whisper as I put my head in my hands. “Now…now I’m…”
“Now you’re still afraid to fuck it up but for a completely different reason.”
I try to breathe steadily, but it’s becoming more difficult. Everything Nora is saying rings true, and the whole idea makes me nervous. This isn’t how I planned all of this, and the idea of changing course now is unfathomable.
“You know, baby brother—”
“Don’t call me that.”
“—you might be a romantic at heart after all.”
“That’s adorable, Nora. Really.” I sigh as I look up from my hands. “Please enlighten me more.”
“I will.”
“That
