“I hope so. I’d love to have him in a car again. He made this team something special.”
He did. Caden had fit so easily in with JAR Racing he felt like a part of the family instantly. I hated not having them around.
KNOXVILLE NATIONALS
KNOXVILLE RACEWAY
KNOXVILLE, IOWA
BEING AT THE track again was a surreal experience. It was like when we came home in November at the end of every season. It always felt good to be at home, but unfamiliar. You forgot where things were, or that you didn’t have to turn the water off in the middle of your shower to conserve water. The kids had toys they hadn’t seen in months. It was crazy. But eventually the initial shock wore off and you got comfortable being at home again.
That was what it was like when we left for Knoxville. It was like going home to a place where we were comfortable. I loved camping there for the week, but everything felt strange. Not only were Caden and Kinsley missing, but Rager’s mood was completely off. He snapped at everyone, refused to talk to any press, and hid out in the hauler most of the time, denying fans any chance at seeing him.
I thought it was because he didn’t want anyone asking him about Caden, but I wasn’t entirely sure. He also, avoided the questions when I did ask and covered it up with sex. Which, we had a lot of that week. In the hauler, the motor home, behind a building, anywhere we could, he wanted to fuck.
I didn’t deny him because I knew after this week, it’d be a while. I also thought if I could provide a distraction for him, I would.
Knoxville was never short of excitement. Like two-seater sprint cars.
Thursday afternoon, Casten ended up taking Gray, who refused to get out of the damn thing, and his wife for a ride. I think he regretted taking Hayden the moment they got out.
Hayden smacked Casten when she removed the helmet, her hair all over the place. “You crazy fuck. You nearly killed me.”
He rolled his eyes, setting his helmet on the four-wheeler next to them. “I did not.”
“Bullshit, asshole. Did you not see how close you were to the wall?” She waved her hand dramatically at the track.
“I saw, but you weren’t as close as you think.” Casten blew it off, but when Tommy pointed to the right rear tire that was now flat, he stood in front of it so that his wife didn’t notice.
Pace had been begging Rager to take him, but the track officials wouldn’t allow it. Hell, I didn’t want to allow it. Dad wasn’t even excited when Casten took Gray in it, let alone a four-year-old, and put his foot down. “No,” Dad snapped at Pace, not meaning to, but if you understood how dangerous that was, you’d understand why my Dad wasn’t pleased by any of this.
“Sorry, buddy,” Rager explained, his attention half on his son clinging to his hand, and the other on the track. “It’s not for little kids.”
“I’m not that little,” he argued, yanking hard on Rager’s hand. It jolted him to the side and effectively made him pay attention to our boy. “See? I’m strong. I can handle it.”
Rager let go of his hand and kneeled beside him. “It’s too dangerous.”
“Gray got to go!” he whined, nearing tears. “I want to. Please,” he begged, stomping his foot.
I could tell Rager was losing his patience with him so I approached them. “Pace, why don’t we go walk through the Sprint Car Hall of Fame? Papa’s championship car is in there.”
He let go of Rager’s hand and ran toward me. “Okay. Can Jacen come?”
Pace had recently taken a liking to his cousin Jacen. “Maybe. Go ask Uncle Axel where he’s at.”
He took off toward Axel and Lily’s motor home and I was left there with Rager between the haulers. Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair. “Relentless as his mama.”
I frowned. “I’m going to pretend that wasn’t a mean comment.”
“It wasn’t meant to be,” he admitted, his eyes returning to the track, but he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, his lips pressing to my temple.
I looked over at him, his hat shadowing his face. “You gonna take me for a ride?”
He smirked but kept his eyes on the distance. “Not on the track.” His hand slipped lower, to my ass, suggestively.
Turning toward him, I brought my hand to his scruffy jaw and eased his face toward mine. His bright blue eyes shined with the summer heat. “Are you using sex to avoid what’s really going on?”
Sighing, he turned his hat around backward and leaned his forehead into mine. “What’s really going on?”
“You’re scared.”
His jaw flexed as he swallowed, but no words followed. There was an apology in his smile as his eyes clung to mine, but still no denial. After time trails on Wednesday, he met me back at the motor home and fucked me against the wall in our very small shower. Following his heat race, two hours later, we had sex in the men’s bathroom stall with Willie in the next stall asking if it was wrong that he got chub from it. Or that he took a picture underneath the wall and Rager destroyed his phone afterward.
He was clearly using sex as a crutch. I couldn’t blame him in a way, but it didn’t make it any easier.
THAT NIGHT WE went over to Dingus, a dive bar across the street from the race track. Most of the drivers and crew liked to hang out there. I didn’t want to drink with the upcoming surgery and believe me, my husband drank enough for the both of us.
“Every time I step foot in this place, I think my liver screams fuck you,” Axel noted, stepping inside with Rager, me, Casten, and Hayden. Lily stayed back with the kids. We spotted Tommy, Willie, and Paxton. Yep. Underage kid
