Abbi's fingers traced little circles along my back as my vision returned and the room stopped spinning. I rolled off of her, and she turned her head sleepily to look at me with those eyes, those wildflower eyes.
I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear which had fallen across her damp forehead. My finger continued across her cheekbone, down her chin, around her lips. It was a path walked in complete silence, as if down some country road beneath a sky of infinite stars. Abbi blinked heavily, sleep threatening to take her.
I gathered her up, pulled her tight against my chest, and wrapped my arms protectively around her.
"Let's dance tomorrow," Abbi whispered dreamily.
I pressed my lips against her hair, smelled the faint lingering of hibiscus shampoo mixed with bonfire and sweet grasses and Poitín.
"Okay?" Abbi pressed, stirring slightly against me.
I smiled, nestling in closer to the heat of her body, to the wild rhythm of her heart.
"We'll dance tomorrow," I whispered back.
Abbi murmured something contently and kissed my palm before letting sleep take her away, like a gentle tide on the seashore. My world, on the other hand, was not gentle tides but a sudden violent whirlpool.
One simple word had taken me by surprise and tugged me beneath the surface with a wrench on my ankles.
Tomorrow.
Up until that point I had forgotten about tomorrow. Not just what I had planned to do, accomplish, work on tomorrow. But the entire concept of “tomorrow”. It simply hadn't existed, that was a time outside the present of Abbi, her body spinning on the dance floor with mine, her hazel eyes finding mine across a crowd beneath twinkling strands of lights while the banjos and flutes played.
Her ancient American magic had twisted its way around my head, taken control of my body, desert flowers blooming from my fingertips, but with one word the brilliant petals shrivelled and the magic died.
Because tomorrow did exist. It was real. It was coming and it was unavoidable.
My heart started to race as I realised how quickly I'd forgotten about my promotion, my job, my work. A cold panic coursed through my veins as I saw how all-consuming this woman was, like a thunderstorm on the horizon, like a sandstorm blocking out the sun, like a wild fire destroying everything in its path. My mind spun like a wobbling top as I considered how easily she'd changed what was important in my life.
As if in the blink of an eye, I'd stopped caring about my job, my professional reputation, my success. I cared only about hearing Abbi laugh one more time, slipping my arm around her narrow waist on the dance floor one more time, running my fingers through her hair just one more time. My chest tightened and I found it harder and harder to breathe as I remembered all the work I'd thrown off to spend time with her.
How much work would I throw off just the same?
How many meetings would I miss simply to hold her hand on a park bench?
How many late working nights will I sacrifice to watch her fall asleep?
How many promotions will I let slip through my fingers while I do nothing but listen to her sing silly country songs in the shower?
How little resistance would I put up against any of it…
The thing above all else that sent cold fear travelling through my veins like a fierce winter storm was how she planted a seed of doubt in my heart. I thought I knew what I wanted for my life. I thought I knew what I was living my life for. I thought I knew that my job would get it for me.
But that tiny little seed made me unsure. Was there something out there I could be missing out on? Was I chasing the wrongs things? Would there be nothing but disappointment and dissatisfaction waiting for me at the top of the corporate ladder?
I didn't like that seed of doubt Abbi had planted. It felt like a boulder against my chest. It made me uncomfortable, unsettled, scared.
My body tensed as I lay panicked behind Abbi. I knew seeing her tomorrow would add water to that seed. Waking up beside her would add nutrients. Dancing with her in my arms would give it bright, brilliant sun. Only leaving now would kill it, leave that seed of doubt in dry, unfertile soil beneath a grey, churning sky. Only leaving now would make it shrivel and rot and die.
It wasn't like this was going anywhere anyway, I lied to myself. Abbi’s breathing was even and her body relaxed in my arms. I slipped carefully away from her. I put back on my clothes silently and then wrote a note on the Do Not Disturb sign. I put a few hundred dollars on top, knowing she didn't have much.
I switched off the lamp and left without a glance back at her sleeping form.
I had to believe that my career was the thing that would make me happy. I had to believe that devoting myself to constant work was the right thing for my life. I had to believe that if I overachieved, reached high enough, really made something of myself, that I would one day finally be enough.
I had to believe that, because that was what I'd always believed. I would be lost without it.
I left without a glance back at the girl, because I feared even one glance back would shatter that belief into a million pieces.
And I simply couldn't risk that.
Abbi
The patter of heavy drops of rain on the roof started out as the beating of a drum
