"We were dirt poor back then," I whispered. "Struggling to make ends meet day after day. I guess my father thought he could do better. I guess he thought he could do better without us. He left with his suit and tie and not a single glance back over his shoulder."
Abbi gave my hand a gentle squeeze as I continued to stare down at my lap.
"You think you'll move on from it, but it's not that simple," I said. "I think I've been asking myself those questions he left me with all my life: why wasn't I enough? What could I do to be enough? Would he love me, would he stay if I was better, if I was just…more?"
I glanced up at Abbi and smiled a little sadly.
"I used to imagine running into him one day, on the street maybe or in a restaurant or at a bar." I sighed and laughed a little at myself while I dragged a hand over my face. "No, it's so fucking stupid."
"Tell me," Abbi prodded gently.
I felt my cheeks warming, but the warmth in her eyes seemed to tell me without a word that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. And I believed her.
After a moment of gathering up some courage, I admitted to her, "It's dumb, but I used to imagine him seeing me in one of my expensive suits, getting out of one of my high-end cars, footing the bill for a table of wealthy industry leaders at a Michelin star restaurant. I used to play how it'd go in his head. Sometimes he'd recognise me and smile and just nod and that would be enough. Sometimes he'd have a drink with me and I would see that he was proud, that I was finally enough. Sometimes I'd dare to imagine him as a part of my life, the thing I'd wanted ever since he walked out that door."
I let out a shaky sigh and smiled. "Stupid, huh?"
Abbi shook her head. "No," she whispered. "That's not stupid at all."
She nestled in again close to my side, and I pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. It was more comfort than any words ever could be—the warmth of her body, the strength of her steadily beating heart.
"He must be doing alright for himself out there," I said. "Good enough not to come back, at least."
"You haven't heard from him?" Abbi asked, palm resting flat against my chest.
Her hand rose and fell as I laughed.
"It's funny, actually," I told her while playing with her hair. "Last I heard he was in Albuquerque. I almost considered flying over there before heading to Denver for the merger, but then I decided that was ridiculous."
Abbi squirmed out of my arm and nearly awoke Zara, leaning away from me to get a full look at me face. Her eyes were wide and bright. "We should go."
I was startled by the force of her words. "What? Go where?"
"To Albuquerque."
I laughed, almost relieved. “You’re cute.”
"I'm not joking."
Her words cut my laughter off like a guillotine.
"What?" I finally managed. I looked desperately around the room as if there was an explanation for her sudden bout of madness or a television crew from some '90s prank show hiding behind the bookshelf. "You're kidding."
Abbi was obviously trying hard to keep her voice quiet for Zara's sake as she loudly whispered, "Why not? We have the time. We have a car. Zara can see the parks for her big school project."
"But we didn't plan anything…" I protested lamely. "And it's already half past ten."
"So?"
I almost threw my hands up in the air in disbelief. I'd almost forgotten how stubborn Abbi could be.
"Abbi, we don't even know how long it takes to get to any of these places!"
"We'll figure it out on the road."
Abbi's eyes sparkled as I stared at her with eyebrows halfway up my forehead.
"Figure it out on the road? Abbi, that's—that's—"
I shook my head as my words came out in nothing but confused stammers. How was I supposed to explain to her that I just didn't do things like this? How was I going to tell her that I only lived my life in an ordered, scheduled, controlled way—a way I'd spent the better part of two decades telling myself was the best way to live? How was I expected to politely tell her that she was throwing a grenade into the deep, dark heart of everything I'd held tight?
And how was I to reconcile the fact that this both terrified me and exhilarated me at the same time? It was as if she was offering her hand out to me, but to reach it I had to step out from the ledge into a bottomless ravine.
In the end there was no other word for what Abbi was making me feel, simply no other word.
So I grabbed each side of her face with my hands and felt the radiating heat of that wildfire burning through my palms.
"Abbi, this is crazy," I whispered.
The grin that tugged up the corner of Abbi's sweet pink lips was mischievous and reckless, calling for me like a siren. She moved her face even closer to mine so I could practically see the embers leaping in her irises.
"Exactly."
Abbi
Before Michael could argue with me or find some rational, logical, practical reason why it really was crazy to leave for a long weekend road trip with no planning at all, I gently shook Zara’s shoulders. She blinked blearily and squinted up at Michael and me.
"Hey," I whispered excitedly, "what do you think about doing a little research for your national parks project?"
I watched the confusion on Zara's face as she looked to the inky night sky outside the open
