“My brother.” I started rambling, beginning with how Ingrid and I had been at Tam High to watch Sam’s swim meet. “He swam freestyle and butterfly and was good enough that his coach thought he’d be able to get a scholarship if he wanted one.”
October’s eyebrows rose as if they’d been animated, and the air around her face started to look pink and hazy, like there was a summery filter over it.
“Sam had this prerace ritual of eating raw strawberry Jell-O. He would rip open the packet, lick his finger, dip it in the powder and then lick it off, over and over, until his tongue and teeth were red and he was, as Ingrid used to say, bouncing off the walls.”
October reached out for my hand, but I shook my head, pressed my palms hard into my temples.
“Joe—”
“No, just let me talk. Before we left the house that day, Ingrid handed me a packet of Jell-O and asked me to bring it to the meet. I was on the couch playing Mario Kart and set the Jell-O to the side. And then I forgot about it.”
I moved my palms to my eye sockets, pressed harder, and saw thick swirls of dark green and purple, like paint being splattered on a black canvas. When I lowered my hands, I was sure October had taken a step forward. She seemed too close.
“About thirty minutes before Sam’s first event, he rushed over and asked for his Jell-O, but I didn’t have it. And he was so pissed at me. He huffed and cursed and stomped his feet. And you know what Ingrid said to him? She said, ‘Calm down, sweetheart. It’s not the end of the world.’ But it was. For him, it was.”
October’s face was melting into so much waxy softness I had to look above her head to get away from it, and the same dark swirls that had been behind my eyes were now in the sky.
“Joe, what happened?”
“Ingrid gave Sam ten dollars and told him to run to the Safeway across the street to get his Jell-O. Naturally, I begged her to let me go too, because I was twelve and Sam was sixteen, and I wanted to do everything my big brother did. Ingrid told Sam to take me with him, and to get me a snack. I remember I had to stop to tie my shoe and Sam huffed and said, ‘Come on, Joey. You’re such a frickin’ turtle.’”
October was still wide-eyed. Her body was twirling side to side as her hands went to her hair, and she began twisting her locks in circles around her fingers.
“I followed after Sam fast as I could, yelling about how I wanted him to get me a Dr Pepper and some Doritos, but he was sprinting by then, not paying any attention. And he was a considerable distance ahead of me when he darted into the street without looking to his left or right.” I could feel the tears starting to roll down my face, and they felt automatic, as if someone had flipped a switch and turned on my sorrow. “The driver of the Porsche didn’t see Sam until it was too late, but I saw the whole thing unfold from the top of the steps, and watching it was like watching a premonition come to life. What I mean is my point of view was wide enough that I knew the car was going to hit Sam before it did. I even shouted for Sam to look out, but by then the outcome was unchangeable. Sometimes the future gets locked into place and there’s nothing we can do about it except feel a powerless sense of regret, you know?”
I glanced down at the ground and swore I could see my tears hitting the dirt like raindrops. When I looked back up at October, I saw tears streaming down her face too, and they seemed to be falling in sync with mine, as if she were a mirror of me.
“Joe—”
“No. Listen. I remember the sound of the Porsche’s tires screeching and then a loud, dull thud, like a fist hitting a pillow. A second later I watched my brother land on the grassy median that runs through the middle of Miller Avenue.” I inhaled, but I couldn’t get a deep enough breath. “Almost immediately I remember thinking, This is all my fault.”
October shook her head. Her face was all twisted up.
“I ran to Sam and pulled on his arm, tried to get him to stand, until someone dragged me away. And I must have passed out then, because the next thing I knew I was lying on the sidewalk with a puffy down jacket under my head, listening to a paramedic tell Ingrid that Sam most likely died instantly. He didn’t suffer. That’s what the guy said. I sat up and saw my mom with her hands over her mouth, making a sound like someone was tearing her limbs off her body. It’s a sound I still have nightmares about.” I wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my fleece. “A bunch of fucking parents and kids from the swim meet had congregated around by then, and they were all gawking and crying and not minding their business like I thought they should. And you know what? If I had to pinpoint it, I would say that was the exact moment I started to disappear. Everyone was busy trying to help my mom, and as soon as I stood up I walked to Sam’s body—he was on a stretcher by then, covered in a plastic sheet next to the ambulance—and I pulled the sheet down to see his face, and despite what the paramedic had said, I was sure Sam had only been knocked unconscious because I didn’t see any blood on him, and that made me believe he was going to wake up and make it to Safeway for
