He moved to pour me more tequila, but I covered my mug with my hand, feeling the need to be at least semi-lucid for the rest of the conversation.
“I need to ask you something,” Cal said. “And I need you to tell me the truth.” He ran his hand through his hair, brushing it back off his face. It was longer than the last time I’d seen him. More like the way he used to wear it when we were kids. “Did you actually care about her? Or were you just trying to fuck with me?”
I sat up and shook my head like crazy. It had never occurred to me that Cal might think I’d gotten involved with October out of spite.
“I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, Cal.”
He waited to see if I was going to add anything to that. Then he smirked and said, “I asked you two questions. You only answered one.”
My heart pounded. It was at once terrifying and a relief to be able to say the words to Cal.
“I loved her.” I felt my face flush. My eyebrows rose, but the rest of my body slackened, resigned to the sad truth. “I still love her.”
Cal shot me a look of staggering exasperation that under any other circumstance would have been comical in its histrionics. “Well, that just reinforces my theory that you’re the biggest pussy I’ve ever met.” He squinted at me. “Which one of us were you running away from that night? Me or her?”
“Her. I just used you as the excuse.”
“For Christ’s sake, Harp. Help me understand this. Seriously. I need you to explain to me where bailing on her got you, because I don’t get it.”
I noticed the smell of smoke and meat and remembered that Sid said he was going to throw some steaks on the grill. Maggie was making cornbread and a big salad. I was supposed to bring beer and ice cream.
“Well?” Cal pressed.
After a long, laden sigh, I said, “Why have I run away from anything I’ve ever run away from? I was terrified. Terrified of my feelings. Terrified I wasn’t good enough for her. Terrified I couldn’t be what she needed. Terrified of her eventual rejection. And on top of all that, I’d made a mess with you that I didn’t know how to clean up.” The ice cubes in the dishtowel collapsed onto the coffee table as they melted, making a small racket. “The worst part is I never told her how I felt. I pretended she knew. You know, like when she touched me, it was clear to her or something. And on some level, I believe it was. But that’s not the same thing as having the guts to look someone in the eye and voice it out loud. Of all the regrets I have—and there are many—that’s the biggest one. That I felt so much more for her than I ever let on.”
Cal got up and walked to the sliding glass door across the room. Vertical vinyl blinds hung in front of it. He yanked on the bead chain to open the blinds and they clattered against each other before settling back into silence at the end of the track.
I watched him stare out across the yard, through the pines, the lights of Sid’s backyard visible in the approaching dusk.
“It’s nice here,” he said. “Peaceful.”
“Can I ask you something?”
He turned toward me, accidentally elbowing the blinds and causing another little commotion. When he grabbed for them to stop them from clanging, it only made them clang more. Once they settled down, he raised his eyes in anticipation of my question.
“How much do you know about me and October. What did she tell you?”
“As soon as we realized you were gone, we had a long conversation about it. I believe I was given the relevant details. Nothing more, nothing less, if you know what I mean.”
He came back over and sat down, and this time he relaxed into the chair. “I saw her on Friday.”
My heart dropped. It was Sunday. He’d seen her two days ago. “Where?”
“San Francisco. I had a meeting in Cupertino, and we met up for dinner in the city later that night.”
I immediately felt anxious. “You two still talk? You hang out?”
“We do now. Took a while.” He gave me one of those subtle-but-swaggering Cal shrugs. “The truth is, she was right. We didn’t belong together. She’d known it for a while, and once I realized it, we were able to become friends again. She’s actually the one who introduced me to Nicole, my fiancée.”
“You’re getting married?” Either I’d been slacking in the online stalking department or this news hadn’t yet hit the internet. “Congratulations, man.”
He smiled wholly for the first time since he’d arrived. “Gonna do it right this time. No more messing around. This one’s the real deal.”
“I couldn’t be happier for you. I mean it.”
“See, this is thing about being happy, Harp. It really puts the past into perspective.” Cal moved to the edge of the chair and leaned in toward me. “I mean there I was, sitting at a quiet little table in Octavia with October, and we’re sharing this incredible dish of crab pappardelle, and we’re talking about my wedding, and the big performance she has coming up, and it dawned on me that I have absolutely no hard feelings toward her anymore. None. Now, if you would have told me on the day she and I broke up that I would one day be able to sit across from her and share pasta, I would have bet you a lot of money otherwise.”
I noticed the buttons on Cal’s shirt were shiny, pearlescent snaps. The fanciest Western shirt I’d ever seen.
“During dessert something else occurred to me. I had a realization. And I looked at October
