As hard as it is to accept her wishes, to allow her the peace she craves. I know she’s right. I’d want the exact same thing.
I curl back up in the only position I’ve found that’s vaguely comfortable and, with the beeping of the machine in my ears, I drift off to sleep.
It’s fitful and full of nightmares involving losing my aunt and Corey simultaneously.
I can see myself curled up in this chair as a team of nurses and doctors come racing into my aunt who’s still lying lifeless on the bed.
They do all the checks I’m now used to them doing, but the atmosphere surrounding them is different, the looks on their faces are different.
My heart starts to race, knowing what they’re telling me without needing words. This is it. This is the end.
I wake with a start, my heart still trying to pound out of my chest.
It was just a dream.
Just a dream.
Until I open my eyes and find the exact image that was just in my head, only now it’s before me as two nurses and a doctor stand beside my aunt.
“No,” I cry. “No, please.”
I scramble from the chair and over to the bed. I take her hand in mine. It’s cold, but then it has been since I first arrived here.
“We’re so sorry, Harlow. She’s at peace now.”
“No,” I cry, dropping my head as realization hits me. I’ve been sitting here religiously so that she wasn’t alone, and I was asleep when she needed me the most.
“Oh my God.” A sob rumbles up my throat as I run my eyes over her. She looks so peaceful. As if she’s just drifted off to sleep.
My eyes burn as tears fight to be set free.
Everything around me begins to blur, and my legs start to feel a little funny.
One of the nurses must notice that I’m not doing so well because she races around the bed just in time to catch me when my knees buckle.
“Whoa,” she says softly. “I’ve got you.”
She lowers me back to my chair as I struggle to pull the air I need into my lungs.
“Try to control your breathing, honey. In. Out. In. Out.” I focus on her words, and after a few seconds, things start to come back to me. The room stops spinning.
“Is-is she really gone?”
“I’m so sorry. Is there anyone we can call for you? Your friend maybe?”
I shake my head. I need a little time alone to try to process this. Bailey will be back later. Nothing will have changed by then. A miracle isn’t likely to happen.
The nurse allows me to stay with my aunt to attempt to say my goodbyes. I have no idea how long they give me, my grasp on reality long gone. All I know is that when she comes back and softly tells me that they need to do their jobs, it’s not at all long enough.
Although, I’m not sure any amount of time ever will be.
Reluctantly, I tidy up the few bits I have scattered around the room before standing beside my aunt and doing one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I never got the chance to do this with my parents. The social workers decided I was too young to be able to deal with it, so I never got a final goodbye. I was left with the memory of refusing to acknowledge them as they left to collect my friends that day.
Placing my hand on her cheek, I look down at her peaceful face.
“Sleep tight.” My voice cracks and a sob erupts from my throat.
I back out of the room, not wanting to leave her. Tears streak down my cheeks, but no noise comes from me. I’m too numb.
That all changes when I look up and find Bailey and Rylee standing off to the side, waiting for me.
I wail and they both run at me, thankfully catching me before I hit the floor.
“She’s gone,” I cry as they both hold me.
“We know, H. We’re so sorry.”
We stand there locked in our embrace for the longest time, but eventually, Rylee pulls away.
“We should get you home.”
I nod, unable to do anything else. Just moving my legs in the direction of the exit is hard enough.
The journey home is a blur. I feel nothing. Everything is numb.
I’m ushered toward the couch and drop into the corner when encouraged to do so. Bailey pulls the blanket from the back and throws it over my legs.
“I’m going to make you a coffee,” she says softly. “Would you like anything to eat?”
I shake my head, knowing that I don’t have the stomach for it.
She nods and backs out of the room.
I hear their whispered voices, but I’ve no idea what they’re saying as I stare at the blank TV in front of me.
It’s like life is going on around me while someone’s hit my pause button.
I’m exhausted, but if I close my eyes, her gaunt face is all I see. If I keep them open, then I’m reminded of what’s happened.
There’s no relief.
None at all.
After a few minutes or what could have been hours, Bailey and Rylee join me once more.
“Here you go. I know you said you didn’t want it, but I made you a sandwich. You really should try to eat something.”
I nod.
“Just relax. Don’t worry about what comes next. We’ve got everything under control.”
I nod.
A concerned look passes between them, but they don’t say anything. They just sit with me in silence. It’s all I need.
At some point, Rylee gives me a hug and says she’ll come back tomorrow. Bailey orders takeout from our favorite restaurant, and I poke it around the plate for a while before giving up and curling back up under the blanket.
I end up passing out with my head
