Mom sucks in a shaky breath. “But how can you be something other than a boy or a girl? What else is there?”
I can’t tell if she’s asking me or Alex, but I bite my lip. Didn’t I already answer that?
“I was there when you were born. I know what you are.” I flinch and her gaze lands on me. Her voice drops low. “Or I thought I did.”
Alex looks at me. “Does this have something to do with your internal identity?”
I nod, but my eyes stay on Mom. “It’s not about how my body looks,” I tell her. “It’s how I feel and what people think I am when they see me. That’s why I cut my hair shorter and wear the clothes I do. I don’t want them to think girl.” I scrunch up my lips, thoughts on Hayden. “But I don’t want people to think boy, either. It’s tricky.”
“Because you’re something in between?” Mom seems to pick her words carefully.
“Yeah. Or neither. I’m not sure yet. I just know how I feel. Not a boy, and not a girl.”
Mom blinks. A look passes across her face, like she’s seeing me as who I really am for the first time.
“Come here.” Her voice catches. She pulls me to her before I can move.
I hug her back.
“I know you and Alex told me not to focus on qualifying for Sectionals, but it’s all I could think about.” Mom’s shirt muffles my words a little. “I should’ve said something earlier.”
“And I should’ve asked,” Mom murmurs into my hair. Her voice still sounds shaky. “I should’ve known something was off, that you weren’t just upset about those competition results.”
“You can’t always know these things.” Alex keeps his voice low and soothing as Mom and I pull apart. “My mother and I were particularly close, but I never said a word to her until I came out to my whole family during college.”
He looks directly at me. “I’m sorry if you felt put on the spot here. I think I speak for both of us when I say that wasn’t our intention.”
“It absolutely wasn’t,” Mom agrees.
“It’s okay. I know you were just worried.”
“It’s definitely not like you to ask to skip practice.” Alex smiles a little, then glances at Mom. “Remember when she had that stomachache before her Juvenile Moves test, but she insisted on skating anyway?”
A moment later, a spark of something that might be understanding flickers in his eyes. “I just realized we haven’t asked what the right pronouns are for you.”
The corners of Mom’s mouth quiver.
“I don’t know yet,” I say quickly.
“That’s completely fair. And it’s good that we know what’s going on now.” Alex turns to Mom. “Would you mind if I speak to Ana alone for a moment?”
She glances at him, then me. “I’ll be downstairs.”
I wait until she’s out of sight, crossing my arms tight over my chest as I look up at Alex. “Do you think she’s mad?”
“It doesn’t seem that way to me. Maybe surprised. Possibly upset.”
My whole body trembles. I hug myself tighter.
“But hey.” Alex reaches out. He squeezes my arm, just like he did at Nationals. “That’s not on you. Sometimes the people we love form ideas about who we are that don’t fit with the reality they’ve just discovered.”
My arms loosen. “A preconception?”
“Yes, exactly. It took me a long time to realize that my family’s negative reaction wasn’t my fault. I left my whole life back in Iowa to tour with that European ice show before moving to San Francisco.”
“But then you met Myles?”
“Then I met Myles. That was a couple of years after I moved here, and several after I stopped talking to my family. It was Myles who convinced me to reach out to them. It took time, but things are a lot better now.”
I knew Alex grew up in Iowa. I’ve seen the video of him performing in Europe. But I had no idea he’d struggled with who he was, too. My arms uncross, hands lowering to rest on either side of the bench.
Below us, one of the coaches glides to the music box. A song from the La La Land soundtrack plays over the speakers. My eyes drift back to the group of skaters, but Alex leans in before I can find Tamar.
“Your mom might be confused right now, even upset. But it’s clear that she cares about you and wants you to be happy. Help her see what happy means for you.”
I think about this as he stands, offering me a hand. “I should get back to the team. Under the circumstances, I’m going to text your mom that it makes sense for you to take the rest of the week off from skating. We’ll figure out a game plan for your free program next week.”
“Okay.”
Alex heads back onto the ice, and I meet Mom downstairs. She looks small, her shoulders rounding just like mine when I get tense.
“Alex wants me to take the rest of the week off.” I look up at her. “He said he’ll text you later.”
Mom looks at me, toward the exit, then back again. She nods without a word. My heart twinges, but I remember what Alex told me she might be feeling. I slip my hand into hers, and we make our way to the door together.
I take one final look at the ice before we exit. Tamar looks back and our eyes meet again. Her head tilts like she’s unsure of something.
I hold the door open for Mom, then step outside with her. Tamar and Hayden will have to wait. First, I need to make sure everything’s okay between Mom and me.
Chapter Thirty-One
The bus stop is empty except for us. It’s still too early for the afternoon rush.
Mom and I stand next to each other. Our eyes
