I type a reply, but the only word I can manage is a copy of Hayden’s Ok.
My phone’s clock blinks from 2:02 to 2:03.
A little over twenty-four hours, and I’ll be able to tell Hayden how sorry I am.
For now, all I can do is wait—and hope he’s willing to forgive me.
Chapter Thirty-Five
I don’t know if I want time to move faster or slow down on Tuesday. Morning off-ice classes drag by, but my afternoon freestyle sessions are over in the blink of an eye.
Faith leaves with her mom. The rink empties out. Suddenly, it’s five o’clock.
I walk toward the coaches’ lounge. It’d be so easy to hide there until Corinne announces the start of classes.
I make myself turn back toward the rink, settling down on a bench. Avoiding Hayden won’t solve anything. My eyes move from skaters working on single jumps to adults practicing edges. I bounce my legs, then stop and look at the clock.
5:25.
My face gets hot. It’s hard to swallow. I need to think about something else—like next week, when things’ll be back to normal. Skaters will return from the Rising Stars camp. Hope will be here, chattering like usual, and skate-school will be over until the fall. After tonight, all that’s left is Saturday’s recital.
The clock flickers from 5:29 to 5:30. Skaters exit the ice, but my eyes stay glued to the rink entrance.
5:33.
I check my phone, but there are no new messages. I want to call Tamar, but she can’t help me now. Even if she could, I don’t really deserve to be bailed out.
5:36.
5:37.
This feels like Nationals—I’m at the boards alone, waiting for my name to be announced.
Skate-school students start arriving with their parents. Some people stop to look at the recital posters. My breaths come fast and shallow.
What if he lied to me? Maybe this is payback.
A flash of blue green snags my gaze. I squint through the crowd. Cyn holds open the door for Hayden. She points my way, then nudges him toward me.
Hayden doesn’t smile. His posture is rigid as he stops in front of my bench. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I look up but he avoids my eyes.
“Sorry I didn’t make it sooner. Cyn drives like a turtle covered in syrup.”
“That’s okay.”
Say something! I don’t know if I’m ordering myself to speak, or silently asking Hayden to help me.
His eyes travel the space. They pause on one of Corinne’s recital posters, before dropping to his feet. “Is there somewhere more private we can talk?”
I lead him to the second rink. Hockey players warm up by skating circuits around the ice, but the stands are mostly empty.
Halfway up, we sit. I force myself to swallow, clammy hands tightly clasped in my lap. I’ve already gone through this with Tamar, Alex, and Mom. I don’t know why this feels harder with Hayden.
Okay, I do. Hayden and his family are the only people I outright lied to.
“I know what nonbinary means.” Hayden looks at me, and my stomach flutters like a desperate butterfly. “But I have some questions I need you to answer honestly.”
“All right.” My voice is barely above a whisper.
“You know about me, right? That I used to have a different name and pronouns?” He looks at me until I nod. The pap-pap-pap of hockey shots rings in my ears. “Did you just cut your hair shorter and pretend to be a boy so you and Tamar could make fun of me, or what?”
I shake my head, eyes on my lap. It’s always been easier to express myself on ice than in words, especially when I’m nervous.
“Okay, great. Thanks, or whatever. That’s all I wanted to know.”
The metal bench creaks as Hayden rises.
“Wait!” I stand up fast, forcing myself to look at him. “I didn’t know I was nonbinary when you met me.”
Hayden turns back to me with narrowed eyes.
I need him to understand, even if we don’t stay friends. “Was there ever a time when you weren’t sure who you were?”
“No.” I flinch at the harshness in his tone. It feels like a door’s about to slam in my face, and there’s nothing I can do to step out of the way.
But then, he seems to waver. The door stays open a sliver. He glances around the stands, like he’s checking for anyone listening. “People kept calling me a girl. I knew they were wrong, even when I was little, so I told them. But my teachers wouldn’t listen, and my friends stopped being my friends because they didn’t believe me, either. Then we moved to California, and I thought people were done making fun of me.” His jaw tenses, hands clenched into fists by his side. “Until I met you.”
“It’s not like that, I swear.” My voice sounds shaky, but I force myself to keep going. “I never told Tamar. Or anyone.”
Breathe in, breathe out. It’s time to tell the truth.
“I’m not a boy.”
His look of distrust makes my stomach turn inside out.
“But I’m not a girl, either. I’m nonbinary, but I only learned that word a couple of weeks ago, after we met.”
“Okay, then why did you tell me your name was Alex?”
“I didn’t! You read it off my name tag, but I was wearing the wrong one. I grabbed my coach’s badge by accident that day.”
Hayden doesn’t look convinced, but now that I’ve started to talk, the words flood out.
“You know that recital poster? The dress I’m wearing? That was supposed to be the costume for my new program, where I’m portraying a princess. I’d just found out before the first skate-school class, and I already hated the idea, even if I didn’t know why yet.
“Then I met you, and no one has ever used boy pronouns for me before. I liked how they sounded, at first.” I look down, studying my hands.
“I guess I was afraid you’d start thinking I’m a girl if I told you my real name. It took meeting you and
