“I don’t know how to start this…” He turns his face to the floor, frowning at the beige carpet at his feet. “I’m sorry.” His jaw clenches after he says it, like he’s not sure he actually means it or not. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have put you in a situation that made you have to choose before you were ready.” His gaze comes back to mine, searching my face for a reaction.
I appreciate his apology but he’s apologizing for things I’m partially guilty of. “You can’t take all the blame Jessie. I shouldn’t have allowed any of this to happen. You have the right to be mad… I hurt you.”
There’s a long stretch of silence as my quiet words hang in the air and I unfold my arms, twisting my fingers in front of me. “I should have told you I was part of the Famiglia sooner.”
Now, that I agree with. “Yes. You should have.” He takes a step closer as I continue talking. “You should have told me when we were still in Alabama. At the very least, you should have told me when you came back here, not continued to keep it a secret. Why did you even keep it a secret? Do you realize how much easier things could have been from the beginning?”
A piece of me always thought I had to let him go eventually. I thought I couldn’t bring him into my corrupt way of life. I kept my heart guarded because of it. Let myself fall back into Donatello. What if I had known the whole time Jessie was just as dirty as the rest of us? If I had known, would I have fought harder for him?
He stops in front of me, still out of reach but close enough I can smell the familiar scent of his laundry detergent, smell the tobacco on his skin. “I couldn’t tell you at Auburn. Capo Famiglia wanted me to stay under the radar. Besides, do you really think you would have given me any kind of chance if you’d known?” He shakes his head when I go to answer, silencing me. “No, you wouldn’t have, you would have done everything in your power to lose me like you’ve done to every other made man who’s ever had to watch you.” He lets out a loud breath that I feel across my lips. “And then when I got back I was worried you wouldn’t trust what we had. You’d think I was still working under the Famiglia, that you didn’t know the real me. I just wanted you to be sure enough in us that when I told you, you wouldn’t question me or my feelings.”
He’s right. That’s exactly what I did, what I’m doing. “Why’d you even take the job? You’re a Capo, running errands and being a tail is beneath you. Especially if you’re this big amazing mafia man like you say.”
I’m mocking him but he doesn’t feed into it. Instead he shrugs, his gaze drifting around the hotel room to avoid looking directly at me. “I was asked, it’s not typically good for one’s health to refuse Capo Famiglia himself.” At my silence he elaborates, eyes still on the bland décor instead of me. “I’m the best in the Famiglia when it comes to finding things. I guess Capo Famiglia assumed that meant I would also be good at watching you.”
“You can call him Remy. We both know who you’re talking about and I couldn’t care less about formalities right now.”
His eyes meet mine once more, continuing like I hadn’t spoken at all. “I didn’t know what to expect when I first went down there. I figured I’d integrate myself in your routine just enough to be able to keep an eye on you. Check in every once in a while in between my other business. But then I met you and you were so…” He pauses, a hand coming from his pocket to gesture vaguely at my form. “As soon as I saw you stretched out on the bed, I was a fucking goner.”
I sigh, looking down at my hands to avoid his gaze. “Was anything you told me even true? Do I even know you?” Is the Jessie I know really my Jessie?
I hear his feet shift in place before he lets out a long breath of his own. “I’m twenty-seven, not twenty-three. We decided to change my age for the college story to seem more believable with my year.” I frown, my eyes still on my fingers. “But I never lied to you about anything else Laney. Everything I told you about me and my family was the truth. You met my family here.” He pauses and I can feel his stare. “You know me. And you know I never meant to hurt you.” He steps closer, his shoes becoming visible past my fingers. “You’re right, I should have told you right after I got back. I was just waiting for the right time; it was never meant to stay a secret. Clearly I waited too long. I fucked up.”
Despite feeling annoyed with the situation in general, I believe him. I understand how the Famiglia works, but that doesn’t mean I agree with it. “Who else knew?” My eyes flick up to his at his silence. Based on his expression, he knows what I’m asking.
“Donatello knew.” His face hardens at the mention of Donatello, his eyes shifting over my face to read my reaction. “He didn’t know I was assigned to you until after the confrontation on campus though.”
I blink at him. Donatello knew and also didn’t tell me. I’m so tired of secrets. “Anything else? Or are we done here?” I’m not deliberately being rude; I just want to be left alone. I’m sick of finding out how little I know about the things going on around me. How little I know about everyone I’m supposed to
