When I thought about it, I never imagined getting to this point. Usually, I could deal with the guilt but that was when I never thought that I would meet Niall again. I never thought about the possible revelation of the truth or having to let Russell or Riley know. In the beginning, I thought Riley was Russell’s. We had been intimate before and after the night with Niall and I was happy when I found out I was pregnant. Finally, someone who I could love unconditionally who would give me the same thing back. Parenthood was far more complex than that but being in a loveless marriage so young, I was desperate to feel wanted. To feel needed. Our honeymoon had been shortly before the night with Niall. I had no reason to believe the pregnancy wasn’t my husband’s.
My wedding had actually been quite beautiful. Since Russell’s family had paid for it, they spared no expense. I felt and looked like royalty. The Baron getting married was a big deal. I knew only a handful of the two hundred guests but I smiled and socialized with the best of them. I would be a great wife, even though Russell wasn’t my choice. He was nice to me at the beginning, but it became clear very fast that the arranged marriage would never blossom into anything real. Those dreams were crushed quickly by Russell.
He never said it outright that he didn’t want me or love me but it was clear that he loved his cards, horses, and games more than he would ever love me. It was the little things. Ignoring me, dismissing me when I asked him why he smelled of perfume, the way he would pick fights with me. Sometimes, I met people when I was alone and when I said I was his wife, they would act surprised since he never let them know that he was married. By the time I was spending nights alone, I was resigned to the truth. Worst of all were the looks from other people. Walking through the town and taking the looks from other people pitying me was enough to drive me to shut myself up in the estate. It cut to the bone that they knew my husband was a philandering, gambling drunk. I hated being the object of their gossip and pity.
A baby meant that I would have someone to love me, even if my husband didn’t want to or couldn’t. A baby would make it all worth it. When Riley was born it wasn’t immediately apparent that he wasn’t Russell’s and Russell didn’t care either way to spend any time with him. As his features came through, it became apparent that he could not have been fathered by Russell and I lived in fear for months that Russell might catch on and discover the secret. Though he had my red hair, his nose, eyes and, mouth were strikingly similar to Niall’s. I was certain that he would be the spitting image of a baby picture of Niall if I ever saw one.
Russell never noticed.
He never changed a diaper, fed him, bathed him, nothing. He probably wouldn’t have been able to tell me what color his eyes were if I had asked him, so I never said anything. Keeping the secret filled me with guilt at the beginning but then it felt good. It felt like my small victory against Russell who had done nothing but hurt me our whole marriage. Fantasies of how upset he would be at the prospect of not being Riley’s father were my selfish little win against his mistreatment. I never had to think about telling Riley or anyone else the truth until Niall reentered my life.
I should have said something to Niall.
He was similar to Russell in many ways, but he wasn’t evil the way Russell was. He wasn’t spiteful and he wasn’t a degenerate. He was a good man but besides that, he deserved to know. A child didn’t fit into his playboy lifestyle, but he should have at least had the opportunity to know the truth.
Okay, you tell him the truth and then what, I thought. He wasn’t going to restructure his life around being a father all of a sudden. He lived in New York for one thing. He wasn’t interested in bringing a four-year-old into his bachelor pad. He was an Earl. How would the news of Riley, supposedly the heir to another man’s title being his illegitimate son go over with his family? They would have to know since inheritance would become involved. He wouldn’t be thrilled to find out and they would be even less happy about it. I knew that I wouldn’t be happy to find out I had a child all along if I was in his position. This wasn’t the time to say this to him. This was never what he wanted out of the connection that we had. After this, when we went our separate ways, he didn’t want this hanging over his head. I was saying nothing.
I wriggled out of his arms.
“I have to go back to the house,” I said.
“Stay.”
“My son will be asking for me.” I sat up and pulled my top back on.
“Will we be heading to London together tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I said.
“The boy?”
“He’ll stay here with the housekeeper. I don’t think he’ll be well enough to make the trip,” I said, thinking about Riley bouncing off the walls right now waiting for me to put him to sleep. One day, all these lies I had told Niall would come back to bite me in the ass and there would be nothing that I could do about it.
“So, when will you spend a night with me and not run away during the night?”
I sighed, standing up. “It’s not running away when I tell you first. And besides, if I chose to stay here with you
