Carmen looked like she wanted to say something, but he watched her snap her mouth shut when he rested his forehead against hers. Asa lifted his other hand and ran his thumb along the apple of her cheek, feeling his breathing grow heavier.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, cupping her face with both hands and raising his chin to place a lingering, heartfelt kiss on her forehead. “I shouldn’t have yelled.” He winced at the memory, and then brushed the tip of his nose against hers. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Carmen frowned, blinking in confusion.
“Not for what the fight was about,” he told her, a hesitant smile on his face. “But the way I approached the matter.” He pressed his lips together, thinking through what he was about to say instead of letting his emotions get the better of him this time. “I just—that morning, I came over to make sure you were doing okay, but then Hunter was there and everything else just flew out of my mind. I don’t—I think I—I just felt cornered, I guess? It was like a sudden slap to the face, seeing him there, and the disbelief and anger took over my want to make sure you were all right…”
“Asa—”
He shook his head, wordlessly asking her to let him just say whatever he needed to say. “No, I just—I wanted to make sure you didn’t feel like I was coming down too hard on you—or—or that I was pressurising you to tell me everything then and there. Because that wasn’t my intention, you need to believe that. I wouldn’t… wouldn’t intentionally put you on the spot like that—”
“Those are all fixable things, Asa,” Carmen muttered, averting her gaze.
“Yes.” The word left Asa’s mouth in a breath of immense relief because yes yes yes they were on the same page. “And we can do that, I know we can. So if you need time to start letting me in, then—then it’s okay. It’s okay. But just tell me that its time you need. Tell me that, and we can get through this, okay?”
He watched as Carmen’s lips parted, that happy twinkle in her eye lighting up the way it did the night of the party and then again on the night of their date. He watched as her face softened and a smile began to form on her lips.
And then Asa also watched as the smile froze midway as if it was severed by a startling realisation. He watched as the tenderness in her expression morphed into a guarded one instead, and then saw that spark he’d ignited in her grey irises fade out and die.
That should’ve been the second red flag.
But hope was a dangerous thing, and Asa clung to it like it was a lifeboat instead.
Carmen’s eyes filled with a tangible kind of sadness, and she closed them with a deep sigh, shaking her head that was nestled in Asa’s hands. Then, ripping apart that lifeboat inside Asa into smithereens, Carmen placed both her hands on each of Asa’s and pulled them away from her face.
There was a sinking feeling in Asa’s stomach but his grip on that lifeboat tightened. For a brief moment, he wondered if perhaps they weren’t on the same page after all. If it was just him grasping at straws in the wind now.
“You’re right,” Carmen told him slowly, as if she was fighting to keep her voice steady and neutral. It disappointed Asa, that even now when they’re trying to talk it out, she was masking her feelings.
But he pushed away the disappointment, reminding himself that this was probably new to her, that she needed to adjust to the whole notion of talking about what she was really feeling.
“I do need time with the whole letting-other-people-in issue…” Carmen’s tone was cautious, as if she was weighing each word before they left her mouth, and Asa wanted to hug her, to tell her she didn’t need to walk on eggshells around him of all people.
“Okay,” Asa whispered, nodding his head while his lips stretched into a tiny, endearing smile. “Okay, Carmen. See, this is good. It’s good. You’re telling me what you want. That’s all I could ask from you. That’s all I needed you to say the morning after Thanksgiving.”
But when he noticed the sadness in her eyes only grew heavier, it began to get harder to ignore those red flags.
“Asa,” she struggled to say, her voice tight and pained, “Asa—we—that’s not the problem. My need for time to open up completely isn’t…it isn’t where we went wrong.” Carmen shook her head and took a step back. “That’s not the problem,” she repeated.
Asa’s brows knitted, the v on his forehead becoming prominent as his confusion increased and his mind replayed every single second of their fight with utmost clarity.
“Is this about Hunter, then?” he asked quietly, turning his face the other way and pursing his lips for a while before he met her eyes again. “Because if it is, well, I—I can work on that. I’m not saying I can forgive him. But I can tone down on my hostility towards him when we’re in your presence.” Asa paused, looking down at his lap and scratching the rough material of his jeans near his kneecap. “That whole scene in the kitchen when you offered to walk Hunter to the door, that, uh, it won’t happen again.” He looked back up at her and shot her an apologetic, lopsided smile. “Well, at least I’ll try to behave.”
Carmen just stared at Asa, the look on her face being the definition of heartbreak as he watched her resolve to remain neutral and unfazed began to crumble.
“Carmen…?” he began worriedly, dread pooling in the pit of his stomach and leaving his bones cold at the same time.
