“These are all things I regret, Hunter. But you know what? My heart was always at the right place. My intentions were never malicious. And still, I tried making amends for them. But you,” Asa let out an exhausted breath and dropped down on the bench his bag was placed on, “you always looked to hurt people, Hunter. You wanted to break them just because it made you feel powerful. And I don’t see you trying to make amends at all.”
“I can’t just turn over a new leaf overnight!” Hunter snapped, meeting Asa’s eyes once more.
“I know that,” Asa snapped back. “But you haven’t even started to show any signs that you want to turn over a new leaf!”
Hunter threw an incredulous look in Asa’s direction. “Are you fucking blind? Did you not see me there at Carmen’s that day? What do you think I was doing there?”
“I think that you were trying to get back somebody that means something to you,” Asa replied in a flat tone, cutting straight through the bullshit. “I think that you were making amends in a place where you were emotionally invested. Where there was something in it for you. Where you had something to gain, which was a place back in Carmen’s life.” Asa leant forward, placing his elbows on his knees and narrowing his eyes at Hunter.
“You want redemption so bad, Hunter? Do you really want to make amends? Then you start with doing right by the people who you have nothing to gain from. Do right by those who you have no personal ties to. Apologise to the ones who you’ve hurt just because of the fact that they exist. It needs to start with selfless choices, Hunter. Because what you’re doing with Carmen serves no one but you, and that’s not redeeming yourself. That’s just hiding behind the one person you know who doesn’t look at you like you’re a monster.”
There was a deafening pause in the semi-civil-semi-heated conversation between both boys, broken only when Hunter sighed heavily and seated himself next to Asa, keeping a good distance between them.
“Is that what you want me to do?” Hunter asked with an even voice, but there was an odd touch of gentleness to it that Asa had never heard before. Albeit it was very faint, it was there nonetheless. “You want me to apologise to you?”
There was another long pause, the tensed air not allowing Asa’s fists to unclench just yet.
“No,” Asa finally muttered. “Because it won’t make a difference to me anymore. And to be completely honest, I don’t think I can forgive you.” He cast a sideways glance at Hunter to find his eyes already on him. “You want to see me as a bad person for it, then go ahead. If it makes things easier for you to paint me as the bad guy, do it. But I’m not going to apologise for who I am. Not anymore.” Asa averted his gaze, staring straight ahead as he uttered the next words. “I don’t have a heart as big as Carmen’s, Hunter. I can’t forgive that easily.”
Another pause.
“What if all the others I apologise to never want to forgive me as well?” Hunter finally asked, voice quiet.
“That’s the beauty of redemption, Hunter.” Asa sighed. “You apologise because you’re letting the person you wronged know that you have it in you to acknowledge what you did to them, not because you’re expecting their forgiveness in return. I might not need the closure from you, but there might be others out there who do.”
Asa remained seated there for a few moments longer, before grabbing his bag and rising up from the bench, heading towards the door.
“Hey, Asa?” Hunter’s voice stopped him just as he was a few feet away from the door.
Asa stopped and looked at him over his shoulder. “Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“For?”
The corners of Hunter’s lips twitched but he stubbornly kept them fixed in a thin line. “Taking a punch so that I wouldn’t get benched,” he said matter-of-factly. “You know, empathising.”
Asa offered him a curt nod, forcing himself not to smile at that last bit, and then turned back around, covering the distance towards the door. But just as his palm wrapped around the knob, Hunter called his name again.
“Asa, one more thing.”
He pulled the door open and stood there, tilting his head to the side so that Hunter would know he was listening.
“It won’t work.”
“What won’t work?” Asa asked, turning his face around completely to look at Hunter, a confused frown on his face.
“Your plan to cope with Carmen’s absence by hating her,” Hunter murmured, eyes drilling into Asa’s. “Trust me, I tried to do it too. I tried it for twelve years, in fact. Didn’t work out so well. I somehow managed to find my way back to her.” The corners of Hunter’s eyes softened ever so slightly. “And so will you.”
59.
Find My Way Back To You
Joyce was sitting crossed-legged on Carmen’s bed, flipping through the pages of a celebrity magazine she’d brought with her.
“Dude,” she said suddenly, not looking up from what she was reading. “Did you listen to Swift’s new album? Reputation?” Joyce grinned to herself and shook her head. “Incredible doesn’t even begin to describe it.”
Carmen frowned from where she was sorting out the clothes in her closet according to
