There was a long stretch of silence, before Carmen felt Asa’s fingers take a gentle but firm hold of her chin, urging her to meet his eyes.
“Carmen,” he said in a cautious tone, releasing her chin and using that hand to brush away stray strands from her cheek. “The pregnancy… the child…”
“Yes,” she answered the question that he was too much of a soft-hearted person to blatantly ask. “And you can say the words out loud, Asa.” She let go of the death grip on his t-shirt and brought her hand up to his face, tracing the curve of those slanting cheekbones. “I don’t really have a problem with the circumstances of my birth. I don’t see myself as some aftermath of a college horror night.”
Asa’s mouth slowly stretched into a soft smile, those eyes of his growing almost dusky as he continued to gaze her with a mix of pride, sorrow and… and something else raw and unfathomable.
“You are crazy strong, I hope you know that,” he mumbled, caressing the apple of her cheek with the delicacy of a feather.
Carmen’s mouth twisted into a slight frown. “I don’t always feel strong though.”
“So?” His finger traced the curve of her ear. “You’re allowed to break.”
An image of broken crayons flashed in Carmen’s mind, causing the edges of her mouth to curve up into the tiniest of smiles.
I love you. Three words sat on the tip of her tongue. But would he believe her? Would he, really?
“It was after she died that things really exploded.” Carmen sighed. “That family was fractured when Hunter’s mum died in a horrible accident. And when mum also died, that fracture spread, I guess. It spread until the whole family just cracked and broke apart. There was no place for me there and where I wasn’t welcome, Dad didn’t want to stay either.”
A few more beats of silence passed, and Carmen found herself enjoying these little quiet pauses, breathing in his scent and soaking in the comfort of his strong arms while his fingers continued to thread through her hair and his other hand remained secured around her waist, holding her against him.
She liked this. She liked how he knew her enough to know that this wasn’t her unloading all the extra weight on him, that this wasn’t her looking for comforting words or testaments of her self-worth or even advice on self-love. Asa seemed to understand the fact that all she wanted to do—really wanted to do—was let him in.
And Carmen appreciated that more than words could say.
64
Three Words
The silence stretched on, calming and comfortable. They weren’t saying anything, but Asa’s lips still wore the ghost of a smile as he leant his head back on the bedframe and played with Carmen’s hair.
“Carmen,” he said after a while. “How come you know so much about what happened to your mum?” He leaned away from the headboard and looked down at Carmen. “I mean, I guess you would have gotten answers about your birth from your dad but the circumstances of her attack? The judgment and accusations she had to face? Those were long before you would’ve been born. And I know it’s not my place to say this, but your dad must have been smoking something to tell you all the details of her suffering.”
There was a light slap on his leg followed by Carmen sighing. “Dad’s not an idiot. He knew that all the shaming my mum was put through wasn’t something that I needed to know. I had a right to know about my birth, why my biological father wasn’t in the picture, why my relatives weren’t very welcoming of me. And so he gave me the answers I needed. But the other things—the things about my mum’s reputation, about how she was shunned—those I learnt from my extended family.” There was another heavy sigh from Carmen. “I mean, I was a kid back then. It wasn’t hard to eavesdrop whenever I heard my mother being mentioned in conversation. And—and I don’t know, the looks Cole’s mum used to give me made me feel like I was doing something wrong, so I was always careful about what I said and how I acted. Until I just grew used to keeping to myself and not speaking much at all in that house.
“I guess Dad finally saw how unhappy I was there,” she continued. “And decided to move back here. But I still remembered the looks, the bitterness when they spoke of my mother…and I just grew up thinking she must have done something bad in order for them to feel that way about her. Turns out she didn’t do anything bad, the only thing that was so wrong in her family’s eyes was my existence. I suppose they believed —believe—she should’ve lived…and that I should be the one buried six feet under.”
On instinct, Asa’s arms tightened their hold around her, as if there was any chance of protecting her from the damage that had already been inflicted on her. “It wasn’t your fault if your mother died giving birth to you, Carmen,” he sounded almost angry. Angry for Carmen. Angry at the rest of the world for taking away a little girl’s childhood because of something way beyond her control. “She chose to have you, didn’t she? Why would anyone in their right minds possibly blame you?”
There was a pause in the air.
It wasn’t one of those comfortable ones. It wasn’t one of those small stretches of silence that punctuated every little confession that spilled out of Carmen’s mouth. This was different. Asa felt
