But she couldn’t continue because right then, Asa had pulled one of his hands away from hers and shakily brought it up to her face. His fingers trembled like he was preparing to touch something that wasn’t supposed to exist, and he just needed to make sure it was there.
His hand came to rest on one side of her face, his thumb grazing the skin just beneath her bottom lip. Carmen knew she didn’t believe in miracles, but how else was she going to explain the way Asa’s hand stopped shaking once it had touched her face? It was as if that was all it took to calm him.
“You’re frowning,” he murmured, tapping his forefinger on one corner of her mouth. “I hate it when you frown. It makes me want to tear to pieces whatever has upset you.”
“Then tear down that armour, Asa,” she told him, leaning her face into his palm. His hand was starting to feel like home, and it terrified her but also brought her peace. “Tear away that outer skin, and wear the one you were born with like its gold, because it is.” She brought up her free hand to cover his that was holding her face. “Because right now, that is what’s upsetting me.”
And when he smiled then, it was different than all the other times she’d seen him do so.
When Asa smiled then, it was like the crack of dawn after a long, sleepless night.
When Asa smiled then, it was like the blooming of the first ever flower, signalling spring’s approach.
It was watching something coming to life in his eyes, and Carmen felt a little bit of that blood on her hands get washed away. She may have taken away a life from this world, but something about bringing light into Asa’s eyes made her feel more whole than she ever had in years.
He didn’t just make her whole. He helped her make herself feel whole, and that was everything in Carmen’s world.
29.
Home Is Two Hands & A Beating Heart
Asa knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but what was this exactly?
He swore on his life that he was doing nothing but touching her face and yet… yet, it felt so much more.
So, so much more.
Everything with Carmen was always more. She was more. And she kept filling up Asa in the places that he thought were empty, like those cracks and crevices that he believed would forever stay dark and hollow.
But here she was, holding his hand and illuminating the parts of him he didn’t have the energy to light up by himself today. Maybe this was the other step in the road to self-love; perhaps it was knowing when to allow your body to give in and rest because it can get tired sometimes. Perhaps it was knowing when to let someone else be your wings while you tend to your aching shoulders that felt too burdened by the world to lift you up anymore.
And that was okay. That was okay. Because Asa was allowed to take a break every once in a while. The art of learning to love yourself wasn’t some masterpiece that had already been painted and hung behind a glass somewhere where everyone can take a peek at.
No, this art was a different form altogether. There was no original. There was no guideline. Like his, everyone else’s wasn’t fully painted yet, waiting for the angry strokes, the colourful ones; for stains, scratches and every single element that made each person’s completed canvas unique. But Asa was far from being a finished piece. He was a work in progress, and he’d come to realise Carmen was a work in progress too, and that was okay. It was okay. What was the hurry, anyway?
Maybe Carmen and he could add the finishing touches to their canvases together. One day they could both stand shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, and admire their completed canvases hanging on the museum walls he was sure she’d constructed in her mind.
“I thought you weren’t good with words.” He chuckled, looking at her fondly because he couldn’t bring himself to move from the current position he was in. “And that art was your strong suit.”
“It is,” she agreed. “But, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just you.” She smiled then in such a soft way that if Asa died right then, he’d die in pure bliss. “You make me say the kind of things someone usually writes down in their personal journal.”
And there went Asa’s heart, doing somersaults in his chest. He had to bite the inside of his cheeks to stop from grinning so wide that his face would’ve combusted. God, she made him feel like a kid. It was unreal.
This couldn’t be true. This couldn’t exist. There was no way it could. One single person couldn’t just light up flares and illuminate all your dark parts and guide you home. That was too much emotional power for someone to have over you.
He’d given his best friend that kind of power, and in return had gotten his heart handed to him on a silver platter with a dagger sticking out from the middle of it.
And that was just Isla, his best friend. Giving Carmen West such power would probably have consequences on a cosmic level. It would be too much. Too much, too much, too much, Asa thought. That kind of intensity frightened him to no end.
“Actually, I was just sweet talking you into giving me a ride back home today.” Carmen grinned then, and even though it was supposed to steal his breath away, Asa found himself laughing. “Look at you.” He rolled his eyes. “Trying to sound funny.”
“Considering the fact that you did laugh, I’d say I’m pretty darn funny.”
“Mmm…hmm,” he mumbled, his heart beating fast all of a sudden. He could
