“Yeah?” he asked softly, not touching his food either.
“I think I’d like a ride to school today,” she told him, feeling no shame in admitting to herself that today was just one of those days. One of those days when she needed a little help. One of those days where she simply couldn’t find the energy to even enjoy the walk to school because every nerve, bone and muscle in her body just ached too much.
“Sure, love.” He smiled, nodding once before pushing his chair back while he stood. “Seeing that we’re both not hungry, we might as well get going now.”
Love. He called her love. Carmen wondered if he truly meant it.
Many times, she didn’t see how he could. She couldn’t understand how he found it in himself to look at her with warmth in his eyes, and a smile on his face, and love in his voice. She couldn’t because how could he possibly love her when she wasn’t even his own? How could anyone, really? Her own mother had forsaken her before she’d even learnt to walk.
So, Carmen would love. And love. And love. She’d love with all her heart, handing it out like it was extra change that sat in the back pockets of her jeans. She’d love because she knew what it was like to be unloved, and she’d do so without asking for even a fraction of it in return.
•••
It was after second period that Carmen found herself walking down the corridor and into the main hallway where the lockers were located. She had a spare now, and like always, she was planning to spend away the minutes in the art room that Miss Cassidy had said was always open for her at any time of the day.
Just as she was getting out her art supplies though, her eyes landed on Asa a few feet away, standing at the other end of the hallway where another row of lockers were located.
She was about to approach him—she had no idea what she was even going to say to him except for a greeting of some sort—but there was that sudden rush of emotion in her, bringing her back a little more to life from the listless state she’d been in ever since last night. It made her abandon any sense of pre-planning for a conversation and turn around to walk towards him, only to stop dead in her tracks when she saw Isla herself approach him.
Carmen felt something tighten her bones, making her fingers throb with the need to hold his hand and remind him that she was there. That she’d always be there. It wasn’t something as petty as jealousy, or something uncalled for like annoyance. It was more.
It was always more, like that surge of protection she felt the other day in the parking lot when he looked so crestfallen about what had gone down between him and Isla. That need to shield him from all the curveballs this world threw at him. That unexplainable want to dig her fingers into the very depths of him and flush out all the pain.
Pain that she knew Isla had caused him, even if Carmen didn’t exactly know how. She liked Isla, she did. But it was hard not to be weary of her presence when every bone in Carmen’s body seemed to shout out battle cries in Asa’s defence.
She watched his shoulders stiffen and square up as he turned to face Isla, saw his body plant itself right there as if he was begging the ground to be his anchor and not split into half underneath his feet.
Goodness, how bad had Isla hurt him? she thought. Carmen didn’t know. She didn’t.
She wanted to, though. She wanted to know exactly how much hurt was coursing through his veins so that she could shower him with everything that was good in this world worth tenfold of all that pain.
Why couldn’t she take it when he was hurting? Why? She felt his sorrow as if it was part of her own and funnily enough, it didn’t add to her burdens or bring her down, but made her feel like she now held something precious in her hands and wanted to look after whatever it was for as long as time was on her side.
It was only when Isla muttered something and took off in the opposite direction that Carmen began walking towards him. Towards Asa.
Always towards Asa.
Before she could reach him though, he started walking down the hallway, a faraway look in his coffee eyes as he lost himself to whatever was swimming around in his head.
Carmen picked up her pace, shooting out a hand just before he turned around a bend in the corner, and wrapped her fingers around his palm to bring him to a stop.
His head swivelled around instantly. His wide eyes fell on their joined hands, blinking repeatedly, as if he had a hard time believing it was her hand sitting cosily in his. As if he was looking at his thoughts materialising into reality right in front of him.
Carmen allowed herself to wonder, for a fleeting moment, if perhaps Asa had indeed been thinking of holding her hands in his.
“Asa,” she said. But she didn’t say it, did she? She more than just said it. It was somewhat of a sigh, a breath of relief. The mere calling out his name felt so, so right on her tongue.
“H-hi,” he said, still in a slightly dazed state before he came out of it. Carmen watched as his shoulders relaxed, as if she herself somehow had the power to take away what knitted and coiled
