Darkest ocean is the final frontier, harder to reach than walking on the moon.
I’ve dreamed about what it might be like to give my body over to the sea. I’d called them nightmares until I realized that the real nightmare began the moment I opened my eyes.
Water churns around my ankles like the phantom hands of death, so cold it burns my skin. I take another step forward and the frigid surf splashes against my knees, weighing me down as water seeps into the long train of my dress.
Some girls gently pack their wedding dresses away like priceless antiques — mine will be a death shroud.
I shiver at the creeping chill, knowing it will only get worse. The most excruciating moment will come when the water rises to my chest, just above the level of my heart.
It’s always the heart that can least take the cold.
My hand drifts down to touch the still flat plane of my belly. I imagine a touch of heat there, the tiniest spark of life, but it isn’t enough to call me back. And I refuse to bring anyone else into this world who might experience the same pain I have.
A voice echoes through the distant canyon, familiar even over the sound of crashing waves that is so loud it’s nearly deafening.
It’s too late.
It has always been too late, even from the very beginning.
I force myself further into the water, because I’m running out of time. If my nerves give out now, I won’t get this chance again. Padded restraints and the double locking doors of a psychiatric ward are all that await me. My supposed husband would rather leave me somewhere to rot than lose his meal ticket. I’ll never be out of someone else’s sight again.
This is my only opportunity.
“Don’t do this, Zaya. Please!”
Vin is already on the beach, but far enough away that I can’t make out his face under the night sky. The only light out here is from a full moon hiding behind dark clouds. I don’t need to be close to know it’s him. No one else would stride down the sand of a public beach like he owns the entire world.
I turn away to face the endless black of a dark horizon. There may be distant lights from our small town behind me, but I can no longer see them. All I have to do is take a few final steps into oblivion, and it will all be over. I wade further into the water, licking cold creeping up my thighs and then my waist, forcing myself to take painful steps forward even as my heart pounds in my chest.
“Zaya,” he calls again, voice sounding more desperate than I’ve ever heard it.
He can’t see me in the dark, might even walk right past and never know, as long as I don’t say a word. But that doesn’t stop him from shouting his promises into the wind, begging me to give him another chance to prove himself.
Vin has never broken a promise to me, because I’ve never expected him to make any.
I don’t want to believe it’s possible for him to change. Belief requires hope. And hope forces you to pick yourself up so life can kick you right back down again.
I don’t have the strength left to hope.
Eventually, he’ll go away and I can finish this.
Except I underestimate both his vision and the flash of my off-white dress against the dark water. His feet slap on the shallow water as he starts toward me, but he still isn’t close enough to reach me in time. I just have to force myself to move fast enough.
He shouts my name, screams it, until his throat sounds like it is going hoarse.
Soon he’ll be on top of me, grabbing me, forcing me out of the water and back to the shore. If I’m going to choose, then it has to be right now. The time for indecision has long passed.
I have to make a choice.
Stay and fight, give him the chance to build me up so he can tear me down all over again.
Or let it all just float away with the tide, taking a lifetime of pain away with it.
I have to decide.
Thirty-Six
I pushed too hard and for way too long. There isn’t any excuse except that I’m the biggest asshole who has ever lived.
Not to say that I haven’t had my reasons for it. But it’s hard to make the past matter when you’re confronted with the reality of your future.
In the beginning, I convinced myself that keeping secrets would be the best thing for both of us. The less she knew, the easier it would be for me to control her. But I didn’t understand what I stood to lose.
And now I’ve lost everything.
Waves crash around me with destructive force. The wind is so howling that it steals my voice and carries it away to the sky. I pray that I’m not too late, even though I don’t deserve to have any prayers answered at this point.
I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anything.
But I’ve never been one to worry too much about what I deserve. I’ve always taken what I want when I want it, regardless of the consequences. There isn’t any reason to change my ways now, not when it means I have the chance to save her.
I’m going to save her.
From herself. From me. From the world, if I have to.
I’ll tie her to the bed and keep her there for the rest of her life, if that is what it takes to keep her alive.
I’m barefoot because I kicked off my shiny loafers to run faster. Bits of coral and stone dig into my skin. Sharp enough to cut, but the physical pain is a distant thing. If I have to run a hundred miles across hot asphalt
