"Maybe after we have our tea, you can show your mom around," Erica said. "There's still a lot she doesn't remember, but we'll help her with that."
Weeks ago, Erica told Dora that she'd explained to the children about her amnesia. She'd left out the identity alteration, though, which she said might be too confusing and disturbing for them to understand.
Jesse stroked Dora's arm, gazing up at her, his fine features pinched together. "Do you remember us, now that you're here?"
Dora licked her lips. It was getting harder to breathe, especially with him sitting up against her stomach. She wanted to say, “Time out, I've had enough for one day. I need to rest, to be alone. I need to wake up and for my life to make sense again.”
They love you because you're their mom. Put on a brave face.
Dora tried to think of what a mother would say to Jesse's question. An old TV show came to mind, The Donna Reed Show. She'd found old videos in the room that used to be her grandmother's office and had become her bedroom. She had sometimes played the tapes at night, not really watching, but listening as she did her homework or dozed off to sleep. The characters were soothing, and she sometimes wondered if her grandmother had been like Donna Reed. Donna would have been honest but reassuring.
"I want to remember," Dora said. She could almost hear the well-modulated tone of the actress in her head. "And I will, Jesse, because it's the most important thing to me, that I do remember my children." She took a breath and stretched her mouth into what she hoped looked like a calm and maternal smile. Her son's hand reached up to stroke her hair and he said,
"You sound different. You don't sound like you."
Dora's smile flickered. She shifted her gaze to Barbara, who leaned forward in her chair, watching. Her chin tipped up slightly, eyes peering down as if she were looking into a telescope at something far away.
9
Barbara - February 2020
Barbara always knew she had a cool mom, a young mom, a smart mom, a mom who was chic and quick, business savvy and fun. Barbara didn't experience any of the teenage angst and distancing that so many of her friends went through with their parents. Well, maybe a little with her dad. For the most part, though, the adults in her life were just cool, especially Dora. Dora knew how to talk to people, make them laugh. Make stuff look good. She had a clothing rental business called Dora's Closet and a lifestyle blog and podcast where she discussed fashion, food and travel from a socially and environmentally responsible perspective. She got people. She got kids and teens and never embarrassed Barbara by trying to dress too young and compete with women half her age. She wore a little mascara and usually lip gloss or an earth red lipstick. She took care of her skin with natural organic cleansers and face creams. Dora stayed fit, running marathons and cycling around town. Dora was engaging. She said things like, I've got this, let's make space, I'm gonna show you the goods, because I'm extra, baby, and, thats a bold statement. Dora kept a small garden in the backyard and recycled everything. She loved interior decorating and “switching things up” in the house.
Dora was casual about things, like when Barbara turned thirteen and she allowed her to have a glass of wine with the rest of the adults at dinner. And when Barbara started vaping, Dora gave her literature on the dangers of vaping. Still, she told Barbara, if she was going to vape that she'd buy her the best quality organic vape juice with B12. “I don't know if it's BS,” she'd said with a laugh, “but it's better than the poison kids are getting on the black market.” Barbara's vaping phase lasted all of one month.
When Jesse started borrowing Sara's dresses, Dora took him shopping. She asked him what pronoun he wanted to go by, what gender he identified with. Jesse told her he wasn't sure, maybe he still identified as a boy, he just wanted to wear a dress sometimes. Dora compiled a stack of pictures for Jesse of men in dress-like garments throughout history, as well as trans women wearing skirts, swing dresses and ball gowns. She was affectionate and cuddly with Erica and put up bemusedly with Cuppa, who so obviously was in love with Erica, but pretended it was only about friendship for her.
Barbara's parents' divorce had been a little messy, a little contentious. But Dora worked to smooth out the edges with their father, to not get sucked into his sometimes barbed comments. Instead, she welcomed him in when he stopped by to pick up or drop off Barbara and her siblings. Dora would offer him a coffee if it was morning or a glass of wine if it was evening. And sometimes when her dad could get over himself, he and Dora would go for a walk or out to a cafe nearby and have one of their long, rambling conversations about when they were kids and they used to skateboard, the TV shows they
