"Oh. Look at that," Ramani said quietly. "Is this the journal Aarav gave you for Christmas?"
Serene nodded. "I lost it years ago, but then I found it again a few days ago." She paused, watching Ramani thumb through the pages and then got up to sit next to her. "At the beginning of the journal I'm Serene, but," she took the book out of Ramani's hands, "look, later I introduce myself as Dora. I don't remember writing as Dora, or drawing any of these pictures."
Ramani read through some of the entries, sucking in her breath. Heat radiated from her body as her eyes skimmed the pages.
John returned with plates of brown rice and veggie stir-fry. "I'll give you two some space," he said, and moments later left the apartment.
Ramani gripped the journal, hands trembling as she stared at the last drawings labeled “Dora's Parents.”
"Who is this woman?" Serene asked, pointing at the drawing. "Is it you?" Ramani shook her head, her hand flying to her mouth.
"Who is she?"
"We had to get out. Get you out. The children, oh god, the children…"
Serene felt her blood run cold. "What about the children?"
"This was happening to all of them, the abuse. Jai tried to take you. Take you away."
"My dad?"
Ramani nodded, taking a ragged breath. "I looked so much like her. I took you as my own, me and Aarav."
Serene froze, trying to process what Ramani was telling her. "What do you mean? Who did you look like?"
"Dora."
"Dora?"
Ramani's eyes glittered as they meant Serene's, and then she looked away. "Brenda Dora Wilson. Your mother."
The room felt very still, the only sounds Ramani's breathing and the crinkling of the paper in the journal as she turned the page.
"We didn't want you to remember. Better to forget. Pretending to be Dora was your way, I suppose––your way of reaching back to her."
Serene slid away from Ramani, her muscles already reacting to this astonishing news, although her brain seemed to be short-circuiting. Information was coming in, but there was nowhere to put it.
"What he did to you. It's too much for a child to hold. We had to give you a different story. We had to… I've always been like your mom." She reached for Serene's hand, but Serene snatched herself away. "I knew all her stories," Ramani continued. "We were close, Dora and me. The thing is, I couldn't get her to leave. So we took you."
"What happened to her?" Serene whispered.
Ramani's silence told her everything.
One of the suicides.
"I think Barbara knew. I kept in touch with her through letters, but I think she knew. It's why she gave Steve the car, and the house was held for you as part of her estate."
“But your family. What about your family?”
Ramani's mouth twisted to the side. "I was adopted. Never got along with my adopted family. I guess we were all misfits in our own way at Shangri-La, us La Las," she said wistfully.
Serene's stomach turned sour at the thought that Ramani could look back at the cult with fondness at all, after what had happened there.
"Shangri-La was spectacular in the beginning. Really something." She swallowed, closing the book. "Sahana was the name Dora gave you. It means powerful, strong, enduring, but Jai changed it to Serene Hokulani, calm, heavenly star. You needed to start over with a different reality. That's all. We had to give you a different story."
"Why didn't you get me professional help, Ramani? Why didn't you have me seen by a doctor?"
"Because. We couldn't risk it. You'd been through so much. You weren't really ours, and if we'd lost you, lost you to the system, we wouldn't have been able to get you out. We gave you all we could give, all the love we had to give."
Except it wasn't unconditional. Ramani's indifference at times, her nonchalance. The siding with Darpan. Her actions slid neatly into place now. All those years pretending to be someone she wasn't. Serene's eyes fell to Ramani's thick middle. Her stomach looked bigger when she sat.
"What happened to the baby?"
"The baby?" Ramani frowned.
"You were pregnant."
"Oh." Ramani's hand went to her belly and she cupped it with her palm. "You don't remember?"
Serene shook her head no.
"I lost him shortly after Taylor was murdered. I think the stress of trying to help Darpan."
"You think Darpan was innocent?"
"Of murder? Yes. They found his semen in her." Ramani gave her a side glance. "I made him leave shortly after that, but I still helped him with the attorney. I know he didn't kill that girl."
"Who did?"
Ramani ran her hand over her curls. "I think it was an accident."
Serene was finding it hard to breathe, her heart picking up tempo. "What do you mean?"
"All of you were angry with her for similar reasons, but Darpan wasn't, and he would never have hurt a fly, let alone punch a girl like that. Darpan had his faults, but he was a gentle being, Serene."
"He's in prison, though."
"Yes. Sleeping with Taylor sealed his fate."
49
Night of the Get Together - July 15, 2020; 10:00 PM
They'd all had too much to drink. Kanani was definitely drunk, and she spoke loud and laughed loud, jabbing her finger at whoever she was talking to. Serene's stomach roiled from the three glasses of Chianti and the two beers she'd consumed, a belch of garlic flooding her taste buds. She burped again. This time the wine came up, hot and bitter. She swallowed it back down, trying to follow the conversation.
"Your problem is that your head is up your ass," Kanani was saying to Taylor.
Taylor laughed, her eyes glossy, but she seemed more in control of her faculties than the rest of them. Taylor still sipped at a glass of wine, her index finger delicately tracing the rim. Enzo and Steve shared a joint between them, too stoned to care about condemning or congratulating Kanani's half-ass attack on Taylor. Steve took another toke of the pot, his eyes bloodshot.
"Yeah, bitch," Kanani continued with her tirade. "Look at this
