Being out here now reminds me of when Walker and I were kids. Sometimes, after going over for dinner at the Kingston guesthouse, we’d stay outside playing as the sun set. We’d run around chasing fireflies all evening. Mr. Kingston would poke holes in mason jar lids for us to create homemade nightlights.
My nose tingles and my heart hurts as I wonder who’ll make mason jar nightlights for my children. I feel tears taking form.
Maybe I could ask Walker. He won't be their dad. But maybe he can be their friend. Maybe he could still love them and have a unique kind of bond with them.
Though, as I stare off toward the expanse of the tall, swaying fields, I can’t help but imagine another alternative. I imagine living here. Living here for real. As a family. I can picture Walker and me sitting side-by-side on this porch, in matching rocking chairs every evening, while our children run wild in these fields. Our children.
The vision is so real, I shiver. It’s a fantasy, Penny. You’ve got to be realistic.
Gosh, I’m so confused. Nerves and hopes and common sense war inside my body. When my pregnancy test came back positive, I told myself I was done with this infatuation, that I was done abandoning myself to my feelings for Walker. But at every turn, the beautiful man’s grip on me goes tighter.
I hear the screen door creak, and I quickly mop up my tears. I glance back. Walker steps out onto the porch. He’s barefoot, just like me, and his hair is wet, too. He must have snuck into the shower after me. I inhale his fresh, mossy scent as he approaches.
“I’m sure you could use this,” he says, handing me a steaming mug. It’s lemongrass tea. Walker knows I can’t handle caffeine this late in the day. I’d be up all night long.
I smile. “Thank you.”
He lowers next to me on the stairs. He brushes a slick lock of hair from my face. "You had one heck of a day, huh?"
“You have no idea…” I take a sip.
We sit, silently staring out into the darkness. Even on the blackest of nights, it’s never really dark here on the farm. The moon and the stars shine so much brighter out here, away from everything.
Despite the peacefulness of it all, despite the relaxing cicadas chirping from their hiding places, there’s a heavy tension in the air. Walker might be silent, but his presence is far from it. I can’t ignore his body sitting just inches away from me. Even if my eyes were squeezed shut, my own soul could sense his right now. Goosebumps prickle my skin when he’s near.
“You cold?” Before I even have a chance to respond, he leans back, awarding me a glimpse of his muscled abdomen as he reaches for an old quilt on the porch swing behind us. I avert my gaze quickly but he catches me checking him out anyway.
Wow, I’m such a mess these days.
Walker holds eye contact with me as he drapes the blanket around my shoulders.
“Thank you,” I say quietly, not able to break my gaze away. He’s staring so intensely, I swear the man is reading my soul. I feel seen. Every secret is laid bare, every hidden desire out in the open. If he looks hard enough, he’s going to see it. He’s going to know I’m desperately in love with him, that I’m dreaming about spending my whole life with him even though we both know that was never part of our deal.
Finally the urge to look away becomes too strong. My eyes fall to my lap and I feign interest in my mug of tea.
His large hand skims delicately down the side of my jaw. He touches me and my body responds on an electrical level. Cause and effect. I’m pretty sure my brain just blew a fuse.
His voice comes out low. “What are you thinking, Penn? You’re worrying me. You look like you’re freaking out.”
I am freaking out.
I dare to look at him and make the confession. “I don't know if I can do this.” I rush out. “What if I can't do this? I thought I knew what I was getting into, but now…What the hell made me think I can take this on?” I set down my mug.
His brows lower and he speaks with gentle force. “Of course you can do this. You’re just scared. But you’ve been preparing for this for a long time.”
I bolt up and start pacing the yard in front of him. “Walker, I left my bartending job. I’m a wannabe interior designer. I don’t even have my own home. And now I’m having twins? On my own?”
Heat and cold flash through me, making me sweat and shiver at the same time. My lungs feel like they’ll explode beneath my ribcage and I suddenly can’t remember how to breathe. I’m light-headed and numb-footed and I’m choking on my own fear.
Fuck—I’m having a panic attack.
Walker hops up right alongside me. He grabs my shoulders and halts my pacing. “Listen to me, Penelope. You’re allowed to have a moment to freak out. But you are not allowed to forget who you are. Not for one second. You are strong. That backbone of yours, you’ve been building it since you were a little girl. Now, you’re titanium. So, don’t you underestimate that.”
“And what about the moments when I can’t be strong? What about the moments when I feel I’m going to break?”
“Then in those moments, you lean on me…” He holds my face in his hands. “You have me in your corner, always.”
I feel tears coming down my cheeks. “Gosh, I’m so sorry I dragged you into this. It’s more than you signed up for when you agreed to be my donor and you probably hate me by—”
“Shut up!” His roar rips through the night sky. “Shut your face, Penny.”
I try to read the
