“You’re thinking about it,” Nnati said slyly. “I can see the gears turning in your head. Just do it, Kaelyn. Life’s too short. We could all be killed by a superbug at any minute.”
I laughed. Nnati was cheering me up with his typically grim demeanor, talking about superbugs as if there had even been one in the last five hundred years. I was also cheered to see Raad and Tissa giggling in their own little bubble across the room, their fingers entwined. She really did look right at home.
“But enough about you, Kaelyn,” Nnati said, dramatically flipping his wrist. “Let’s talk about me. I need a man too. Now that Zawne’s single, maybe he’ll come play for my team. What do you think?”
Raad answered for me. “I think Zawne is currently on his way to Gaard’s southern coast. By tomorrow night he will be paddling two hundred miles across stormy, shark-infested waters. If he doesn’t get sucked into a whirlpool or eaten by a giant squid, he will be trekking through a merciless wasteland for the next eight months. After that he’ll have serious training in Lodden for nearly one and a half years. I think dating is the furthest thing from his mind right now.”
“Right,” Nnati said, pouting his lips. “Do you think he’ll make it through?”
Raad thought seriously about this, his eyebrows furrowing. “I think he has what he needs to get through it,” he said. “If Zawne can embrace the pain of Lordin’s death, draw strength from it, and let the pain and hurt guide him, then yes. Yes, I believe he can make it.”
We all quieted then. I’m sure we were picturing a grief-stricken Zawne shirtless and sweaty in the desert, trudging along with dull resolve, battling leopards with the anger from Lordin’s death. I could see by Nnati’s raised eyebrows he liked the idea. As for me, I felt sad for Zawne. He had adored Lordin, made a home with her. Now Zawne was alone with himself and the wilderness. His only company would be the other lost souls desperate for purpose, and the hungry vultures circling above.
Chapter 5
I was immersed in a sea of white arum lilies, my body buoyant on the current. I ducked below the canopy of white-spotted green leaves and swam among their impossibly long stalks. The petals brushed me softly, sublimely. Their musky scent filled my nostrils. I was alive, floating in a flowery paradise.
A new scent came to me: earthy, herbal. It was a sweet fragrance accompanied by a presence, a construct of pistils, a thousand flower eyes. It was a hot gaze that made my body shake, and I came to a stop amid the field of lilies. I felt naked here, bare and contrite. The large orange petals were reaching out for me. I let them brush against my skin, the flowery presence making me feel secure, filaments blown about me on a sudden breeze. I lifted my face, and there he was.
Roki in the flesh. The scene changed, and we were two bare souls in the field of arum lilies. He had a smile on his face. I realized I was crying, solid in my body. We were hugging. My tears streaked down his bare chest, slithered between his abs.
“What do you want, Roki?” I said against him. He held me tightly and allowed me to weep before I leaped back in anger. “Why are you here now?”
“Because I love you, Kaelyn. I need you to come back to me.”
Roki’s words were honest in this sacred dreamscape. I hadn’t realized how much I had longed to hear his voice. It was like honey. I wanted to drown in it.
But I was still angry! So much time had passed without him to comfort me. “Why should I love you?” I demanded. “Why should I return to your embrace? You left me, Roki. In my hour of need, you were nowhere to be found!”
He took the brunt of my anger. He seemed to understand it and shook his head sadly. “I never left you. I’ve been here all along. I can’t let go. By the world, I have tried. Yet your spirit lingers in my mind, in my being. I need you.”
I hated how much I wanted to shrug off my anger and kiss him as if we had never parted. His words were sweet, yet they held no meaning for me.
“Where were you?” I asked. “When I was sad, beaten, crushed, and powerless, where were you? I was certain my grief would swallow me alive, and you weren’t there to console me. I was hopeless. I had betrayed my mother for you, and in my time of need, you were gone.”
He lowered his face close to mine. Roki, so handsome, so strong. How could I fight him? I was supposed to hate him, yet I wanted to touch him. My legs buckled, and I dropped to my knees.
He knelt beside me and pleaded, “Please, Kaelyn. You must believe that I was right there with you in your days of misery. I sobbed with you. I shared your pain and tried to comfort your soul. Maybe you felt me, smelled me. I was there. I could hear your mind, hear your thoughts of anger, and sense your grief. I respected your pain and your frustration, and kept my distance. I wanted so badly to stay away and let you grow on your own. You deserve a full life without me to drag you down. But now …” Roki paused, swept his hand across my moist cheek. “But now I’ve heard you. I’ve listened to your heart and understood that you need me. I will be here from now on. I’m here, Kaelyn. I’m yours.”
I had no words. I was so confused.
