I hope one day you can forgive me for what I’ve done and for lying to you. I also hope one day you understand this more fully when you have your own children. I believe, when you do, you’ll realize why I did what I did. I wasn’t blessed with the gift of a child of my own. I hope knowing this makes it easier for you to forgive me one day, or at least understand.
I would have done anything for you, and I did.
The accident was just that, an accident. If I could, I would turn back the clock to save that woman’s life, but it wasn’t in my power. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I saw an opportunity, and in my desperation to protect you and Ernie, I took advantage. I know in some eyes that would make me a monster, but I hope you know me well enough to understand I am not because your opinion is the only one that matters to me.
The air stuck in Bailey’s lungs, and she fought to take a deep breath. Her eyes burned with tears, and Agent Sharpe’s phone shook in her hands. “I can’t believe this.”
“Take a deep breath, Bay.”
Tears spilled from her eyes, but she didn’t stop. “I’m fine. I want to finish it.”
We were in the car that took Theresa Spatz’s life. I’m sorry to say it’s true. Ernie was confused and lost, and it was dark. He didn’t see her until it was too late. Unfortunately, Theresa Spatz was killed when the car hit her. I am so sorry for her death, but I am thankful you were not injured in the accident. It was a miracle, and in my eyes, you were my gift from God.
How on earth such a tiny creature could survive such a tragic event is beyond me, but then again, you have always been a sparrow. I knew taking you was wrong. I knew I was depriving a family of their child and depriving you of the family you were born into. But, as I’ve already admitted, I was selfish in my decision. I convinced Ernie and Patrick that taking you from the accident scene was the right thing to do. I promised we’d take you to the police. In the end, we didn’t because I refused. Once I had you in my arms, I was never going to let you go.
Sweetheart, I made an effort to become familiar with the Spatz family. I researched them and followed the best I could from a distance. It served a dual purpose. First, it was a form of punishment for myself. Witnessing Alex Spatz’s suffering has kept me humble and repentant. Even with my joy at being your mother, I have never gotten over the events of that night, and neither did Ernie. Second, it reminded me of what a blessing you were and that I should never take that blessing for granted.
I fully support you having a relationship with your family. Not only do I support it, I encourage it. I hope they can revel in the beautiful grandchildren you are sure to bless them with, and I hope one day that makes up, in some small way, for my selfishness. They are good people, and they deserve to have you in their lives. Please don’t let your relationship with me interfere with the relationship you might have with them.
My dear Bailey, please do not attempt to protect me. I don’t care if I’m labeled a heartless criminal. I’ve had a wonderful and full life thanks to you. I don’t care what people think of me. You know I never have. You are a victim, Bailey. Theresa Spatz was a victim, and Alexander Spatz is a victim of my crimes. I will not pretend ignorance where you are all concerned. I made the decisions fully aware of the consequence. I won’t pretend otherwise, and, quite frankly, I am sorry Mrs. Spatz lost her life, but I am not sorry for having had the last twenty-seven years with you. The heart wants what it wants. You were what my heart wanted, and I am not sorry for that. Finding you, Bailey, made my life full.
I have enclosed the information you need to contact your biological family. I’m sorry. I’m sure this is a shock to you, and I’m also sure you’re pretty upset with me. I understand, and I want you to know it’s okay. You can love your parents and hate them at the same time. That’s the beauty of true love and true passion.
Before I close this letter, I want to ask you to remember something. Home is where the heart is. It’s not in four walls. It’s not in a place or even a state of mind. It’s where you love, and where you hurt, and where you feel the most. Love and family do not reside in DNA and blood. It resides in sweat and tears. Never once in the last twenty-seven years did I look at you and not consider you mine.
Bailey, in all matters of life, follow your heart. Do what makes you happy and never question those decisions. Live fully, laugh heartily, and sing as if no one is listening.
I love you with all my heart.
Always your mother,
Helen
She shook, her entire body vibrating uncontrollably. Her chest heaved, and she could do nothing to stop the sobbing once it started.
Ryan put his arms around her. He was crying, too. She could feel his chest moving rapidly up and down.
Everything after that was a blur. She didn’t know how she got inside the house, or how she made it up the stairs and into the bedroom she shared with Ryan. She found herself staring into her bedroom mirror with a swollen face and aching body, sore from crying.
The FBI left the room a complete mess, much like her life. She had no idea how
